What are the Chances - Part One
by Lexi76
Summary: A troubled and renegade Commander Shepard meets her calming counterpart in Kaidan Alenko. As the galaxy falls apart around them, what will be their fate? Part One will cover some Pre-ME1 and ME1. *Warning, there will be angst.* Currently T for language/Violence. Reviews appreciated.
1. Chapter 1- Wild One

Vancouver, 2173

Lex's hand was in a competition with her head to see which one could hurt more. She couldn't decide which was winning. When she tried to get up and suddenly felt like a ten inch nail was being driven through her skull, she was sure her head was the winner. When her hand automatically set itself, fist down, on the bed to steady herself and she felt like someone was running a burning hot piece of sandpaper across her knuckles she called it a tie.

She sat quietly with her head in her hands for about five minutes before she realized something wasn't right. As she raised her head and looked around, she saw that she wasn't in her bed at the barracks. She looked at the space around her. The white tile walls and stark grey floors were her first clue, but the dead giveaway was the hum of the Mass Effect field blocking the entrance to the room and making her head want to explode.

"Great, the drunk tank, again." She whispered, and sighed. "I wonder what the hell I did this time."

"You kicked ass, that's what."

Lex looked over to Marks in the cot next to her. Of course she would say that. Although trouble seemed to find Lex wherever she went, Marks actively hunted it down. She wouldn't be surprised if Marks started whatever it was that landed them in the tank. Not that she wouldn't take responsibility for her actions. Whatever happened, Lex was not the type to allow herself to be lead into trouble. Marks was just good at pointing them in the general direction. Lex chose to join in. What could she say? Hanging out with Marks might land her in some sort of trouble ninety-five percent of the time, but she always had fun getting there. Or at least, she thinks she did. She couldn't remember most of their adventures.

Whatever she did to get herself locked up last night, she could tell by the state of her knuckles that someone out there was probably not looking good today. She hoped they had at least deserved it.

"How exactly did I kick ass, Marks?" she asked in a whisper. The pain in her head not allowing for much more than that.

"Oh come on, Lex. You've got to remember. It was great." Marks said excitedly. Marks was five foot nothing, and yet she never managed to get wasted. And she never seemed to have a hangover. Lex hated her for that. She'd asked Marks how she managed it, but all she said was that it was easy when she didn't drink like every glass was the last one she'd ever have. Lex was pretty sure she didn't possess that part of the brain that told the average person to stop drinking when they had enough. She hadn't found enough yet.

She sighed, and tried again. "Let's pretend I got wasted and can't remember a thing. I know, impossible. Who did I kick the shit out of last night?"

"That would be me, Private."

Lex was up and at attention in a blink of the eye, while Marks was still trying to figure out where the voice had come from. She'd been wrong. The man that walked around the corner towards the front of their cell looked good. In fact, she could swear she'd never seen anyone look better. Black eye and all. In fact, the bruise made him look sexy as hell. She couldn't think of one thing that man could do that would make her want to hit him. His hair was black and styled in this old fashioned cut she couldn't recall the name of. It should have made him look ridiculous, but she didn't think that was possible either. And his eyes, well the one eye she could see, were the most beautiful shade of light brown she had ever seen. Who makes brown eyes look sexy? This guy was not for real.

First lieutenant Sexy (yeah, that title fit perfectly) was studying her face. Oh god, did she look as bad as she felt? She wondered if there was a mirror somewhere she could see herself in. What the fuck was wrong with her? Was she still drunk? Why couldn't see take her eyes off of him? She tried to drag her eyes away from his face and to the wall in front of her, where they should have been.

"Sir." She replied as she raised her hand to salute. "Oww." The pain in her hand causing her to give what she was sure was the most pathetic salute in human history. She looked quickly at First Lieutenant Sexy, certain that he'd have a look of disgust on his face. She was sure he thought she was a disgrace to the uniform, which thankfully she had not worn to the bar last night. Instead his brow was furrowed and he had a look of concern in his eyes. Was he worried about her? Her stomach fluttered and for once she was sure it had nothing to do with her hangover. What the fuck?

"You should get that looked at, Private." He said, a warm smile on his face. Wow, he looked even better when he smiled. (Stop it, jackass. You're in trouble, not waiting to be asked out!)

"Yes, sir."

"They are going to let you out of here in a bit, soldier. I just wanted to make sure you could actually manage to get yourself out of that cot before they did. I'd advise you to not drink so much the next time you go out, but I'm told that advice would be wasted on you." He sighed, as if that fact somehow bothered him. Like he cared what happened to her. (Duh, of course he does, he's an officer and he's doesn't want me bringing any more shame to the Alliance.)

He started to turn and walk away, then hesitated. He took a few steps back towards the entrance of the cell, right in front of the field. "Oh, and Private, just one thing. If I had grabbed your ass last night, I would have made sure you knew it was me." With that he winked at her and walked back around the corner he had come from earlier.

Lex stood there, mouth hanging open staring at the spot he had been standing at. She looked over at Marks who was practically doubled over. Tears were running down her face and it looked like she hadn't taken a breath in a while. Finally Marks started to howl with laughter. She fought the urge to punch her laughing cell mate, and asked "What? What's so fucking funny? I punched an officer, Marks! I could get kicked out for that shit."

"Ha! You wish you'd just punched him. It's a good thing you were three sheets to the wind, because he wouldn't be walking today after you went all blue flame on him and threw his ass over the bar."

"I did what?" Lex wanted to crawl into a hole and die. She started to mentally plan out what she'd do after being kicked out of the Alliance. There was no way she was heading back to New York. That much she knew. Maybe she could find a job in Vancouver. Or move to a colony. Being a farmer wouldn't be that bad, right?

"Oh relax, he's not going to report you." She said, as her laughter eventually faded into light giggling. (I'm not going to hit her, I'm not going to hit her.) "Seriously, Lex. Did you see the way he looked at you? I swear I was tempted to ask if you two wanted to be alone."

"Shut up."

"No really, he couldn't take his eyes off of you. I don't think he even noticed I was in here with you." She was starting to laugh again. "Of course, I think you forgot I was in here too. You were practically drooling. I don't think I've ever seen you do that."

"I swear, Marks, shut up!" Lex could feel the blood rushing to her cheeks. She was in full on blushing mode and her face felt like it was on fire.

"Oh, that was great. Best night, ever. Best morning after, ever!" Marks said, as she came to stand by Lex and pat her on the back. "You, my friend, always deliver when it comes to making a night worthy of a great story. Best part is that he really didn't grab your ass. That was all me."

Marks was on her ass in a blink of an eye. Lex hissed in pain as she grabbed her right hand and pulled it up to her chest. She was pretty sure she had succeeded in turning a fracture into a full on break, but it had been worth it. Marks was lucky she was still breathing. Marks looked up at Lex and started laughing again. Lex hoped they let her out soon, or she'd be looking at murder charges.

* * *

"Thank you, sergeant. I'm just going to have a quick talk with her and then you can let her go." Kaidan shook the officer's hand and started towards the direction he'd been told he could find his attacker, as they'd called her. Every step he took was a reminder of the night before. He'd wanted to stay in. He was exhausted after a long week of training, but his squad mates had insisted on dragging him to the bar with them. Something about him not knowing how to relax and have fun. (So what? I'm dedicated. That's not a bad thing.) They had just gotten to the bar when he saw her. She was pretty hard to miss as she got up to stand on a table and dance.

"Wow." He gasped as he looked at what he could swear was the most beautiful creature he'd ever seen. Her black jeans seemed to be painted on her perfectly toned legs, which went on for miles. Her flat stomach peeked out from under her tight fitted tank top. (That tank has got to belong to her little sister!) Her breasts were threatening to escape as they swelled and bounced while she danced. Her skin was a perfect alabaster and her red hair seemed like a flame waving around her. She glanced in his direction, and smiled. (Am I breathing? Breathe!) Her emerald eyes focused in on him as she stepped down from the table and headed towards the bar.

"Hey, put your tongue back in your mouth LT. Someone's going to step on it." Jones cracked.

"Huh?"

"Heh, I think that's too much woman for you, Alenko." Harped LaRue. "That there is a woman that doesn't know what protocol and responsibility means. Or, she just doesn't give a fuck. Either way, not something you can handle."

"You have no idea, what I can handle LaRue." He said as he turned to the bartender to order a beer. Of course, he had no plans to prove him wrong either. A girl like that was the last thing Kaidan needed in his life. He turned back to see where she was and was shocked to see her waving at him. He smiled and started to raise his hand, until he realized she wasn't looking at him but past him.

"Another pitcher and some shots, Jack!" she yelled to the bartender as she came up next to Kaidan. (Oh yea, I'm an ass.) Kaidan decided to go find his buddies before he really embarrassed himself. He spent the next few hours trying to relax. The guys liked to get on him about never letting loose, but they were a good group and he enjoyed their company. They talked about past nights out and the trouble they would get themselves to on training missions. Kaidan tried to listen to all the stories, but he spent most of his time trying to keep an eye on that girl.

"Come on, Alenko. Just go over there and ask her to dance already." Perez said as he dug an elbow into Kaidan's rib. "You haven't stopped looking at her all night. It's getting a bit sad."

"I'm just worried about her. She looks like she's had too much to drink. Right?" He strained his neck to see her as some people moved in front of him and blocked his view.

"Of course, Lieutenant Responsible!" sighed LaRue.

"Oh yeah, she's hammered. I think that one can out drink us all." Jones said as he looked over at the girl by the bar.

"I'm going to go check on her. Make sure she has a ride home." Kaidan said as he got up from the table.

"Uh huh. I'm sure you'll be happy to give her a ride, Alenko." Perez yelled at his back, as Kaidan reached the bar. (This is stupid. What am I doing?) He tried to stop himself and turn around but his feet wouldn't listen to his brain. He just had to talk to her. He would just ask her if she was okay, and offer to call her a cab. That was all. He wasn't looking for anything else, he didn't have time for any of that. He was just about to tap her on the shoulder when she turned around. (Shit, if looks could kill! What did I do?)

"Grab this, asshole!" That was all he heard her say as her fist slammed into his face. Shit, she could hit. He was just starting to recover from the punch when he felt himself lifted off the ground. The familiar tingle of biotics on his skin, and then he was slammed against the wall of bottles behind the bar. That was all Kaidan remembered until he woke up at the hospital. His entire body felt banged up, and there were several spots that stung. The nurse told him they had spent an hour digging pieces of glass out of his back.

And now he was going to go talk to the woman who had done this to him. His squad mates had filled him in on what happened after he was knocked out. It had taken all three of them to hold the girl down, but once they had her under control she had passed out. She was still passed out when the police had arrived and the medics were loading him into the ambulance. She had been going on and on about Kaidan grabbing her ass and her not putting up with that shit. He swore to them he hadn't even touched her. They, of course, found it hilarious.

"Told you she was too much for you to handle, Alenko!" LaRue said as he tried to hold back a chuckle. "I tell ya, the hot ones are always crazy."

As he neared the corner before her cell, he heard her speak, barely above a whisper. "Who did I kick the shit out of last night?"

"That would be me, Private" he started to answer as he rounded the corner. He had about a second to see her slumped down on her cot, looking miserable, before she shot up to attention. The move was so crisp, it was hard to reconcile with the obvious hang over she had. The biggest surprise, however, was that she still looked gorgeous. Her hair was a wild mess, her clothes were stained and ripped, and her knuckles were bleeding. And she looked beautiful. She brought her injured hand up to salute and winced in pain. Kaidan felt the sudden urge to go up to hold her. To make the pain go away and make sure she never got hurt again. He wanted to find out what caused her to drink so much that she could barely function, and do so on a regular basis apparently, and make that pain go away too.

He looked into her eyes and he saw her shock at his worry. What was he doing? This girl, this tiny thing, because now that she stood there alone and unmoving she looked nothing like the wild woman who, in her words, had beat the shit out of him. This girl was a subordinate. He should be chewing her ass out. Especially after the sergeant had let him know that he was on a first name basis with her, that's how often she spent the night in the drunk tank. She'd been lucky she hadn't been kicked out of the Alliance before last night. He should have reported her the moment he found out she was a marine. Instead, he'd asked that no charges be brought up against her and that she'd be released when she woke up. Apparently she'd knocked the common sense right out of him last night, and now he was throwing the regs right out the window.

"You should get that looked at, Private." Why was she staring at him like that?

"Yes sir!"

"They are going to let you out of here in a bit, soldier. I just wanted to make sure you could actually manage to get yourself out of that cot before they did. I'd advise you to not drink so much the next time you go out, but I'm told that advice would be wasted on you." He sighed. Why did her behavior bother him so much? He didn't even know her name. Thinking it better so as to not risk getting her in trouble later, when his friends started to tell everyone what happened. Which they were probably already doing. It's the blatant disregard for the uniform, that's all. He looked at her lips, really paying attention for the first time. They were full and sensuous, with a natural hint of rose color to them. (I bet they taste …gah, stop that!) He had to leave.

And he had every intention of just leaving as he turned to walk away, but for some reason he turned right back around and walked up to the field that kept them apart. Apparently his brain had decided to stop listening to him again, and from out of some place in there he never let out came "Oh, and Private, just one thing. If I had grabbed your ass last night, I would have made sure you knew it was me." With that he winked at her and walked back around the corner. It took all the control he had to force himself to leave the station and not wait for her. As gorgeous as she was, LaRue had been right. He couldn't handle a girl like that and he didn't stand a chance with her either.

* * *

"Alright Shepard, out you go. You're lucky that guy didn't want to press charges, and trust me I tried to get him to." The sergeant was saying as he turned off the field blocking the door of Lex's cell. "One day you're going to walk right into trouble you can't handle kid, and it's going to kick you on your ass."

***Just a quick note to avoid confusion. In my head, Kaidan was able to join the Alliance as a commissioned officer, because of his training and schooling at Brain Camp. In this chapter he is in his first year of service, and using the ranks from the game, that would make him a First Lieutenant. Which is about two ranks below his rank in ME 1. Shepard enlisted at 18, and would be in her second year, so she is just a Private.***


	2. Chapter 2 - Promise

Chapter 2 Promise

Arcturus Station, 2176

"Hey Lex, have you seen my black bikini?"

Lex walked into the room she shared with Marks and looked around. "Marks, how could I find anything in this disaster zone?" Marks was supposed to be packing things for her shore leave into her pack, but it looked like her closet had exploded spreading itself all over the room.

"Yeah, sorry, I just can't think of what to take with me. Oh, there it is." She noted, as she reached over her bunk and grabbed her bikini off the lampshade.

"You've had weeks to get ready for this trip, Marks. This is what you get for waiting till the night before to pack." She said with a sigh, then threw herself on her bed, landing on another pile of Marks' clothes.

"Look, don't take it out on me because you can't go. You wanted to enter the Special Forces." Marks said, in between grunts as she tried to shove more clothes into her already over flowing pack. "Not my fault your N4 course starts at the same time we planned our trip."

"Yeah, I know." She sighed. "I'm just tired, didn't mean to take it out on you."

Marks walked over to Lex's bed and sat down. "Of course you're tired. You work your ass off all day, go for extra training any chance you get just so you'll be ready for the next N course and you still try to party like we're still 18 year olds."

Lex groaned. Not this again. It seemed like Marks was turning into her mother with every lecture. It was getting annoying, and for once it made her thankful she'd never had to put up with a real mother like that in her life.

"Lex, you can't keep this shit up. It was fun 5 years ago, but it's going to catch up with you. It's a miracle you've been able to achieve what you have, in spite of your drunk, sand-blasted ass!" Marks was close to yelling now.

"Oh please, Marks. You've seen me dust up, what, three or four times? And I'm a biotic, I can drink twice as much as a man twice my size with no problem." She was getting a headache.

"Yeah, but you end drinking four times as much and passing out. And don't think I know how you "recover" so quickly when you have to."

"Fuck this shit." She exclaimed as she swung her legs off the bed and got up towards the door. "I don't need any more lectures from you. I'm going out."

"Lex…" Marks reached out to grab her arm, but Lex pulled away.

"Have fun on your trip." she said before slamming the door behind her. God, she needed a drink. All she wanted right now was to find the nearest bar and drink until she couldn't remember fighting with Marks or anything else. Instead, she headed back to the gym to do some more training. Marks was getting on her nerves with all the lectures, but that didn't mean she wasn't right. And that pissed Lex off more than anything else.

She did laps in the pool for about an hour before heading back to her room, ready to apologize to Marks for being an ass. Marks wasn't there when she walked into the room and her bags were gone. Lex was sure her shuttle didn't leave Arcturus Station until tomorrow. She walked towards her bed and noticed a datapad on her pillow.

_I'm going out to eat with Steph, I'll probably bunk there tonight. Take care of yourself Lex, I'll miss you._

"Shit." She was such an ass, why the hell did Marks put up with her? Lex reached over to her night stand and grabbed her omni-tool. She put it on and typed out a quick message to Marks.

_ I'll miss you, too. Sorry I'm such an ass. Have some fun on Elysium for me._

She turned off her lights and laid back down. She promised herself she'd cool off on the partying, she knew Marks was right. It was getting harder and harder to keep up with all her training, and each time she went back for an N course was worse than the last. And they weren't about to get any easier either. The good thing was she left for Rio tomorrow, and there was never any time for that shit while at the villa, so she'd have no choice but to keep her promise. At least until she came back. Maybe she'd start going to some of those yoga classes Marks was always trying to drag her to, insisting they'd help center her and keep her focused. Maybe.

Notes:

I was sure I wanted to make my Shepard a full on renegade, and I knew the Ruthless path was the obvious choice. But I needed a reason for her to do what she did on Torfan. Having a tough childhood back on Earth could be part of it, yes, but it wasn't enough to cause her to do that. So Marks was born. I also liked that I could tie two of the three choices together in a way that had an impact on her.


	3. Chapter 3 - Punishment

Torfan, 2178

As he stepped off of the shuttle and walked towards the entrance of the underground bunker he studied the faces of the soldiers around him. The survivors. There weren't many of them, he'd guess about half of the squad that had led the attack. They looked like hell, and not just because of their blood soaked armor and wounds. He saw conflict in the face of each and every one of them, like they were all fighting some internal battle with their conscious. These soldiers had been through hell, and it wasn't going to be over for them for a long time, if ever.

He saw Major Kyle exiting the building as he neared the entrance. If the squad looked like they were fighting an internal battle, Kyle looked like he had already lost. "Major Kyle, what happened?" He'd known Kyle for over 10 years, and had never known the man to be anything other than great soldier and leader. He couldn't understand how he had lost control of the mission.

"I..I don't. They surrendered, but she…she sent them her squad in and…she killed them all." He said, his voice barely more than a whisper. "I heard her give the order, she said they couldn't be trusted."

"Why didn't you order them out, Major?"

"I wasn't…I'd taken some of the men with me to check out another camp…I thought it was over." Kyle wasn't even looking at him anymore, instead staring at the men around him.

"Where is she?" He knew he wasn't going to get anything useful out of the man. He had to talk to Shepard. She had to give him an explanation for this mess. "Major, where's Shepard?"

"She won't talk to anyone. She won't move. Hasn't moved for hours." He said as he walked away towards his remaining men.

A soldier walked up to him, "Sir, First Lieutenant Shepard is inside. She won't leave the bunker. When we first arrived she was…well sir, she was just standing in the middle of the room hysterical. She was in bad shape. When we tried to get her to come outside, she lost it. She started screaming that she had killed them all. At first it was, it was like she was boasting about it. She sounded like she had just accomplished something great, but her eyes...they were all crazy. And then she just, broke. Started screaming no over and over again. She looked around herself and started to back away from the bodies, like she was scared they were going to get up and attack. Once she reached the corner of the room, she just slid down on the floor and put her head in her hands. Her pistol still in her hand, and her head resting on it like it was some pillow. And she just went quiet. She wouldn't say anything, wouldn't move."

"Thank you, son. I'll go in and get her, don't worry. I want you to help the Major out and give the arriving medics a hand." He gave the kid a quick salute and walked into the bunker.

The first thing he noticed was the smell. Although he knew all too well what the source was, he couldn't have been prepared for what he saw as he entered the main room of the bunker. There were bodies everywhere. Alliance and Batarian. This had been a massacre, and he was surprised even half of the squad had survived. He scanned the room looking for Shepard, but he couldn't see a living soul anywhere among the dead. He was about to head into one of the other rooms when she spoke.

"I killed them all. I did it. I finally did it." Her voice was hoarse, not at all like what she usually sounded like. He looked over in the direction he'd heard it come from and saw her slouched in the corner in between some crates. He started walking towards her, slowly as to not disturb the bodies around him. She spoke again as he reached her. "I said I'd do it, and I did. I made sure they'd never do it again. They can't hurt anyone else. She can rest now, right?"

She wasn't looking at him, instead staring down at the floor. Her head still resting on her gun, as the corporal had described.

"Shepard, you need to get up. We'll talk about this when we are out of here." He had to get her outside. He had to get that gun away from her first. "Give me the gun Shepard, and get up."

"I didn't believe them, I knew they were lying. They weren't going to just give up. But…" Her voice was quivering now. "I killed them…all of them. I killed the Batarians. I killed…I killed my…." She was shaking now.

"On your feet marine!" He had to end this now, had to snap her out it. "That's an order!"

He grabbed her shoulders and pulled her up with more force than was necessary. She looked up at him, a look of surprise in her eyes. Like she hadn't even known he was there. "I killed them all. I just kept shooting, and when my pistol overheated…. I just started throwing them around like rag dolls. I…I tore them apart. And my squad…why…why did I send them in? Why did they listen to me? They're all dead!" She was screaming now. A frantic look in her eyes. He'd never seen her like this.

Shepard had changed since Elysium. Before that, she had been a capable marine, with great potential, but he had started to doubt she'd ever make it to N7. When she had left the N4 course, he was sure it would be her last one. She had the skill, that was never in question, but he knew she was barely holding it together. He also knew how she lived her life when she wasn't in uniform, and he worried she wouldn't be in the Alliance for long. He'd read her files, he knew what demons she was fighting, and he didn't think she was going to beat them. But after Elysium, she returned to the villa a new woman.

He'd barely recognized her when he first saw her. The Shepard he'd known with the red hair that could barely be tamed, the one who always had a smart ass comment ready and was always pushing the boundaries of what she could get away with was gone. In her place was a poster child for the Marines. Her head was shaved and not an inch of her uniform was out of place. Although she had always done well during her time at the villa, she now wanted to master all the training, all the tests. She wouldn't stop until she was the best, even if it meant doing something until she dropped. She'd get right back up and try again. And she conquered it all.

He'd asked around, and he'd found out about Shepard's roommate, Marks. He understood what was driving her, or at least he thought he had. He had no idea her pain would lead her here. Would cause her to do something that she couldn't live with, that would break her. He had to get that gun out of her hand, or he was sure she wouldn't make it out the building alive.

He looked down at her now and saw the despair in her eyes. Everything that made her Shepard seemed to have disappeared. What he saw in front of him was an almost empty shell of the solider he had come to know and respect. Hell, to care for. "Now you listen to me Shepard. You did what you did and you can't change that. Those marines followed your orders because that was their job. They knew what they signed up for."

"But they surrendered. I could have just taken them in. Why didn't I just do that?" she asked desperately. Searching his face for an answer.

"You tell me?" he asked.

"I don't kno…my gut, my gut told me they were lying. They couldn't be trusted. They'd turn on us the first chance they got." She said softly. Uncertainty mixed in with her sorrow.

"I know how your gut works Shepard, and I've seen it get you through impossible odds. You were right to trust it." He had to get through to her.

"But, I…I enjoyed it. I was happy when they were all dead." She said, the disgust at herself clearly apparent. She started to back away from him. "I was glad they weren't going to…"

"They weren't going to what, Shepard?"

"They weren't going to do to anyone else what they'd done to her!" she sobbed. "I wanted them dead and I didn't care what it took. They had to pay for what they did to her."

"And they did. They won't hurt anyone else Shepard. It's over." He took a step towards her.

"No. NO! It's not!" She yelled as she backed away from him. "Look at what I did! I'm a monster. I'm as bad as they were. I'm worse! I got my people killed." She looked down at her hand as if she was just seeing the gun for the first time. As if she'd forgotten she still had it.

"Shepard. Look at me!" He ordered, although it wasn't as stern as he'd hoped, the hint of his concern seeping through. "The Batarians killed your squad mates. Not you!"

"I sent them in! I gave the order!" She was crying again. "They started shooting at us the moment we came in, and I gave the order to wipe them out! If I had just kept them outside. If I hadn't of ordered them in!"

"You can't do that! You don't know what would have happened if you had given the Batarians more time to come out. You can't second guess everything Shepard. You did what you thought you had to do." He took another step towards her. "You can feel all the regret you want. You can feel the disgust of having briefly enjoyed getting your revenge for Marks death, but you can't let it break you, Shepard! You're only human. You lost your best friend and you made it your priority to make those who killed her pay. It's not something you should be proud of, but you can't let it destroy you. You can't give up."

"I don't think I can live with this." She looked at her gun again. "I don't deserve to after what I've done."

"So you want to punish yourself? That's it? And how is using that gun going to do it? Or are you just too much of a coward to deal with this?" He let the anger he was feeling burn through his words. Not anger at what she'd done, but at what she was doing to herself. "If you're half the marine I know you are, you're going to give me that gun and walk out of here with me. You are going to deal with your demons, and I mean for real this time. You aren't going to pretend to be okay for her. You are going to do it for yourself, because you aren't a coward. You're a marine and you are going to act like one!"

Shepard looked at the gun one more time, and then back at him. Her shoulders came up as she straightened her back, and he could see her make up her mind. He just wasn't sure what she had decided. She raised her hand slowly and he held his breath. Then she turned the gun around in her hand and handed it to him. He let out a breath as she walked passed him and towards the entrance. He turned around to look at her and wondered if she'd make it. He wasn't sure he'd be able to live with something like this if it were him.

* * *

She looked at the gun in her hand, and then up at him. He was right. If she pulled that trigger she was a coward. That was the easy way out and she didn't deserve easy. The thought of having to live with this for the rest of her life was almost too much to bear. But that's what she deserved. She deserved the horror of reliving this day for the rest of her life. She was a murderer. She didn't deserve an easy out. She turned the gun over and handed it to him butt first. Then headed for the door. She looked around at the bodies on the ground. She looked at each of their faces, Alliance and Batarian. She couldn't forget a single one, she wouldn't forget them. She'd remember their faces every day, and remember she had killed them all. She'd remember them all, the ones she butchered.

"I'm ready to go, Anderson." She sighed, as she walked up the stairs.

***I didn't think I could write out the actual events of Torfan, but I wanted to show the moment that turned my Shepard into the woman at the beginning of the Mass Effect Trilogy. The ruthless renegade. Advice and critique appreciated is appreciated, so please feel free to comment/review.***


	4. Chapter 4 - Me, Worried?

Arcturus Station, 2183

Kaidan looked over his orders again. He still couldn't believe it. He was going to be working on the Normandy. The most advanced ship in the fleet. He was going to be a part of her first crew. It was an honor he hadn't expected, although his friends said they weren't surprised.

"You live and breathe the Alliance, Alenko, there isn't anyone better qualified for the Normandy." LaRue had said.

"I don't know about that, but thanks." This was his last night on Arcturus before joining the Normandy, and LaRue had convinced him to go out and celebrate his promotion.

"Come on, Alenko, you gotta let me buy a round of drinks to the new Staff Lieutenant! Never know when I'm going to need you to get me out of a jam, doesn't hurt to have friends in high places."

"I'm in charge of the marine detail, LaRue, I don't think that qualifies." He scoffed.

"Well not yet, but you'll get there."

"Fine, one round, and then I gotta get back and finish getting my things together. I ship off early tomorrow."

LaRue saluted him. "Of course, Lieutenant Responsible!"

Kaidan groan. LaRue had given him that nickname ten years ago, and he still hadn't tired of using it. "Honestly, I don't know why I put up with you."

"Because without me, you'd never have any fun. Come on."

Kaidan thought about that as they made their way down to the bar. The few times he let himself stop working and have fun had been with LaRue, and he did appreciate the man's friendship. Even though the few times he'd gotten himself in any trouble while in the Alliance had also been with LaRue, but they had been worth it. At least he had some great stories to tell.

As they reached the bar, LaRue put his arm around his friend's shoulders. "I promise to make this night memorable, because if I know you, you won't have any fun while you are on that ship. Who knows, maybe I can find a hot redhead to throw you around a bit, I know how you love that."

"Really never going to let me live that night down, are you?" Kaidan sighed and shook his head.

"Oh please, don't think I haven't noticed how you pay extra attention to every redheaded woman in uniform you see. I know who you're looking for." LaRue winked at him.

"You want to get that drink or do you want me to leave?"

"Fine, fine, come on." LaRue pulled him towards the bar. "How about a nice blonde?"

Kaidan rolled his eyes. He'd never quit. Worse of all, he was right. Kaidan always looked closely whenever he saw a redhead, in uniform or not, because he honestly didn't think she'd still be serving. Unless she had done a huge one-eighty, the girl from the bar ten years ago was most likely a civilian now. "How about we just stick to drinks and call it a night? I'll handle my own love life."

"Ha! What love life? When was the last time you went out on a date?"

"There was that engineer back at HQ."

"Alenko, that was two years ago. Man, you don't even realize how bad you can get, do you?"

"Two years? Really?" Okay so maybe he did work too hard. But it was paying off. How else would he have gotten a spot on the newest and most innovative ship in the fleet? "Maybe you're right, LaRue. Maybe I'll meet someone on the ship and I'll get myself a life? What do you think?"

"Yeah, and break regs? I don't think so."

"Yeah, not likely." He laughed.

"Oh, man, I forgot to ask. How are you feeling about your new XO?" LaRue asked, suddenly turning serious. He actually looked worried.

"Shepard? I don't know, don't know much about her, except what you see on the vids. I imagine half the stuff you hear about her is bullshit." At least, he hoped it was. Although that still left the other half, and when all of it was as bad as the talk about her was, that wasn't too comforting either.

"I hear she's a real hard ass. I've met a couple of guys that have served under her, and these were big lifers, and they spoke about her like she was some sort of god. They wouldn't spill any dirt though, I think they were scared of her."

"Or maybe they just had respect for their commanding officer?" At least he hoped that was it. He'd heard the same stories everyone else had. Commander Shepard, the Butcher of Torfan. He knew that the real woman couldn't equal the myth that she had been made out to be, but what happened on Torfan had been horrendous. He had known some of the men in her squad, and only one of them had made it back alive. He had quit the Alliance shortly afterward, and the last Kaidan had heard of him he was not doing well. No one outside of the survivors and the top brass knew the whole story about what happened at Torfan, but what they did know was enough to make you wonder how she was still in the service. In fact she had been made an N7 shortly afterward and promoted. And now she was going to be the XO on the SSV Normandy, the flagship of the fleet.

"Maybe, but I'll tell you one thing, if it were me, I'd be worried." LaRue looked at him with concern. "You just watch yourself, okay? Remember that you don't have to follow every order you're given."

"Actually, that's exactly what I have to do."

"You know what I mean. Don't let her lead you into a massacre, I'd like my friend back when this is all over."

"Heh, thanks. I can't say I'm not worried myself. I don't like the idea of some loose cannon being responsible for me and my guys. I just hope I can keep her from getting them in trouble." He meant it. The thought of serving under someone who didn't value the lives of her soldiers didn't sit well with Kaidan, and he was determined to do whatever he could to make sure she didn't get them killed. Even if it did mean refusing to follow her orders if that time ever came.

"Oh well, on the other hand, I do hear she's hot. That's something."

Kaidan rolled his eye, but couldn't help but chuckle. "Yes, that makes it all better. Thanks, LaRue, don't know what I was worried about."

"No problem, buddy, that's what I'm here for."


	5. Chapter 5 - The Sleepy Marine

SSV Normandy, 2183

Kaidan had been sure he'd be the first to arrive at the docking bay, but that wasn't so. He spotted the sleeping soldier sitting alone in the last bench against the wall shortly after he arrived. He would have seen her sooner, but the sight of the Normandy though the viewing window grabbed his attention first. It was beautiful. He couldn't wait to get to engineering and see the drive core he'd only read about. The geek in him was practically drooling. When he was done ogling the ship, he turned to put his packs down on the nearest chair and that is when he saw the soldier. She was leaning against the wall, her arms crossed in front of her and her legs stretched out, crossed at the ankles. She wore a cap that was pushed down over her face, probably to block the light. He wondered how long she'd been there. It was still about an hour before they had to report to the ship. He really was surprised someone was even more anal about being late than he was. He wanted to go introduce himself, considering the camos she was wearing, he figured she'd be one of the marines serving under him. He instead chose to let her sleep, thinking she had probably had as hard a time as he falling asleep last night. Instead he sat down and went over orders and the information he was given about his detail and the ship. He practically knew it by heart now, but it couldn't hurt to make sure he hadn't missed anything.

He looked up when he heard the sounds of people entering the docking area, and then looked at the time. He'd been reading for an hour. He looked back and saw that the sleeping soldier had not moved. It didn't even seem like she'd noticed the newcomers. He frowned. (Well that's not a good sign. What kind of marine doesn't even stir when a group of unknowns walks into a room?)

"Hey Alenko, what a shock to see you here already?"

Kaidan followed the sarcastic voice to its owner and saw Joker coming his way. "Flight Lieutenant Moreau, I see you are cutting it close as usual." He smiled and went to give his friend a hand with his packs.

"What can I say, I don't just roll out of bed looking this pretty."

Kaidan rolled his eyes. "So Joker, have you seen her yet?"

"Are you kidding? I came to check her out the moment I got my orders, no way was I going to wait. She's a beauty, isn't she?" Joker sighed, and Kaidan chuckled.

"It's finally happened, you're in love!"

"Damn straight! I can't wait to get my hands on her." Joker practically licked his lips.

Kaidan took a couple of steps back. "Okay, I'm going to back away now, you're about to enter some weird kinky zone I don't want to know about."

"Ha ha. Hey now it's my turn to ask, have you seen her?"

"Oh, just this view. Haven't had a chance to get in there yet." He looked at Joker and noticed a confused look on the man's face. "What?"

"I was asking about Shepard. Didn't know you had those kind of plans for your commander, Kaidan!" Joker laughed. "Hey don't get me wrong, she's hot."

Kaidan blushed. "Joker, you know I was talking about the ship. And I suggest you change the subject before you get yourself in trouble."

"What you're going to tell me she's not hot?" Joker asked with a smirk. "I mean yeah, she can probably kill us both with just one hand….well, me for sure, but wow."

"I wouldn't know. I've never met her, and she seems to be great at not letting reporters get any good vids of her." In truth, he'd always wondered what she looked like. "I've seen the back of her head a few times, I know she shaves it."

"I saw her walking around the ship yesterday. Gorgeous, but let me tell you that woman wouldn't know how to crack a smile if her life depended on it. All she did was give me a quick salute and that was it, she ignored me the rest of the day." Joker sat down. "I'd heard the stories, everyone has, but you don't really believe it till you meet her. Woman is as cold as ice, and scary as hell."

"Jeff, you met her once and you have no idea what was going on for her in that day. You really shouldn't jump to conclusions. More importantly, you shouldn't be talking about the XO like that." Kaidan had heard the stories himself, most recently from LaRue, but he didn't want to form an opinion about Shepard based on what other people had to say.

"Okay mom. Geez, you're no fun."

* * *

"Oh, hey people, Captain Anderson incoming!"

Kaidan stood up when he heard the young marine's announcement, he was pretty sure his name was Jenkins. He looked over at the entrance to the dock and saw his new CO walk in. Pretty soon everyone was up and filing in near the doors of the Normandy. Kaidan was about to join them when he noticed the sleeping marine still had not moved from her seat. He took a few steps in her direction. "On your feet marine!" He said as he gave a light kick at the soldier's boots.

The marine didn't bother to look up at him as she slouched forward in her seat before standing up. Kaidan turned and headed towards the CO and the rest of the crew, finding his place near the front of the line. As he filed in he looked over to make sure the soldier was headed over. Instead what he saw made his mouth practically drop open. She was just standing there. Stretching. This one was going to be trouble. When she finally started to walk towards them, he noticed he had missed most of what Captain Anderson had said. Damn it.

"And I am sure that this is the finest crew the Alliance has ever seen. Each of you has been selected specifically because of who you are and what you can do. You are the best of the best and you will make us proud." Anderson looked back at the formerly sleeping soldier before continuing. Kaidan was fuming, and already planning out what he would say when he brought this to her attention later. "Now, we don't have much time before we ship out, but I'd like to take a moment to introduce the Normandy's XO to you. Commander Shepard." Anderson turned and saluted the marine who had finally joined the rest of them.

Kaidan wasn't sure how long his mouth was left hanging open. Commander Shepard had been the sleeping marine. He spared a quick glance over at Joker, not sure if the man had even noticed the marine earlier. One look at Joker's face and he had his answer. Joker looked like he wanted the ground to swallow him up.

"Commander, would you like to say a few words?" Anderson asked.

"Welcome aboard the Normandy." And that was it. Well then, she wasn't one for big speeches. He wondered if she had heard him and Joker as they talked earlier, or had she slept through it. The answer to his question came moments later as Anderson introduced her to Kaidan and Joker.

Anderson introduced Kaidan first. "Shepard, this is Staff Lieutenant Kaidan Alenko, he'll be in charge of your marine detail."

Shepard gave Kaidan a quick salute. "Lieutenant."

"Commander, it's an honor to meet you." (And please don't throw me out the airlock for kicking you awake!)

"And this is our pilot, Flight Lieutenant Jeff Moreau." Anderson said as he moved over to Joker.

And that's when she let them know. Commander Shepard, who till that moment had still worn her hat so that it covered most of her face and whose lips had kept a firm line, which was neither a smile nor a frown, turned to Joker and gave him a tight smile. "Flight Lieutenant." Kaidan could practically feel the shivers of the man next to him. With that she turned and started towards the ship.

"Oh man." Joker sighed next to him.

"I warned you." Kaidan whispered.

Then Shepard stopped and turned to look at Kaidan. "Oh and Lieutenant Alenko, thanks for the wakeup call." There was no smile on her face as she turned and entered the Normandy.

"Shit."

* * *

He didn't recognize her. She wasn't sure if she was relived or disappointed. She guessed a bit of both. She had recognized him the moment he walked in to the room, and had the sudden urge to run out, but she knew he'd see her. Instead she pulled her cap down over her face so that he would not see it, but so that she could still peek under the rim and had pretended to be asleep. He hadn't changed at all and as he turned away from view of the Normandy and looked in her direction her stomach did a little flip. Lieutenant Sexy, right there in front of her after all these years. She knew what this meant. He was one of her crew. She really wanted to run away. As he sat down, she released a breath she hadn't known she was holding. This was bad. The moment he laid eyes on her he would know who she was. She was finally going to have someone serving under her that knew what she really was. Would he even want to have her as his XO? She watched as he began to read. Unable to take her eyes off him.

He really hadn't changed at all. His hair was still in that same old-fashioned hairstyle, and he still looked hot despite it. Actually, he had changed a bit. He'd grown older, of course, his beautiful face showing just a hint of maturity, enough for her to guess he was at least past 30. But it looked good on him. She almost jumped when the pilot entered the docking area and shouted out to him. Alenko. Staff Lieutenant Alenko? The one in charge of her marines? Oh god. She was going to have to work with him on a regular basis. Okay, maybe she could run.

She heard the pilot mention her name. She recalled meeting him the day before as she took a tour of the Normandy, but she had been so wrapped up in trying to acclimate herself with the new ship that she had not spoken a word to him. Now she heard him saying what she had heard many times before and sighed. It didn't bother her, really. She didn't want to make friends with her crew, and she had decided long ago to make an effort to not to allow herself to get close to them. She just wondered when it had stopped being something she had to work at, and become natural for her to put that wall up.

She was relieved when Anderson showed up. He'd get them all inside the ship and she'd follow behind them, avoiding having to actually come face to face with Alenko for at least a little while longer. She was sure that was how it was going to work out, until she saw the lieutenant walking towards her. (Oh please don't. Please don't.)

"On your feet marine!" he said before giving her boot a light tap. (Kill me now.) She moved forward in her seat, bringing in her legs and making sure her face remained covered. Damn it, she'd stretch it out as long as she could. She stood up as he turned around. She began to stretch, still hoping she would avoid an introduction. She looked up and saw him fall in line with the crew. He glanced over at her then, and she saw that look. That same look of disappointment she had seen on his face 10 years earlier. Damn it. She picked up her packs and walked up to Anderson. She at least got to enjoy the look of surprise on the Captain's face. He knew how much she hated all this introduction crap.

Once she had welcomed the crew and they had begun to enter the ship, Anderson took advantage of what he thought was a change of heart for her. "Shepard, I want to introduce you to some of the officers." He steered her towards a group that included Alenko and Moreau. She pulled her cap down a bit more. She gave a quick salute and hello to Presley, whom she'd work with before.

"Shepard, this is Staff Lieutenant Kaidan Alenko, he'll be in charge of your marine detail." He said as they came up to her Lieutenant Sexy.

(Breathe. Breathe. Damn it, now say something!) She gave him a quick salute. "Lieutenant."

"Commander. It's an honor to meet you."

He didn't recognize her.

Anderson moved on to the pilot. "And this is our pilot, Flight Lieutenant Jeff Moreau."

Now while Alenko had looked disappointed in her, this man looked terrified. And she couldn't help but find it amusing. She knew exactly why he was scared, pretty sure that he was worried she had heard their earlier conversation. She smiled. "Flight Lieutenant." And she swore he was about to pass out. She had to turn away before she started laughing. Sadly, scaring the poor man had made her feel better. He'd deserved it, at least. As she passed LT Sexy, she was reminded of the last thing he'd said to her 10 years earlier, and that wink. (Hell, if I'm going to end up having to face the consequences of that day now, I might as well go all out.)

She turned and with the sternest face she could muster said. "Oh and Lieutenant Alenko, thanks for the wakeup call." Before turning around and entering the Normandy.

They were going on a shakedown, and right now Lex was pretty sure she was the one that was going to end up being put to the test.


	6. Chapter 6 - Ace? No

Normandy, Interior

"So Shepard, you going to tell me what the hell that was out there?" Anderson asked as he entered his office, Shepard close behind him.

"I'm not sure I understand what you're referring to, Sir." She replied.

"Don't give me that Sir bullshit, why is it that you let Lieutenant Alenko give you an order? The Shepard I know would have put him in his place within seconds."

She Shrugged. "Oh, that, he didn't know who I was. He probably thought I was one of his marines, and he was doing his job by trying to put me in my place. Can't blame the guy."

Anderson stared at her in shock. "Okay, now I've seen everything."

"Funny Anderson. Look, I was barely awake, I promise you I'll yell at him about something later. Better?"

"Hmmmm." Anderson didn't buy that either. He knew her well enough to know she hadn't been sleeping when he came in, she'd been avoiding the group until she could sneak in behind them. "Look Shepard, I wanted to talk to you about the shakedown. The thing is…"

"_Captain Anderson, There's a Spectre here, says his name is Nihlus Kryik. He's requesting permission to come aboard."_

"Permission granted, First Lieutenant. Damn, he's early."

"A Spectre? What's he doing on board the Normandy?" Shepard eyed Anderson curiously.

"The council has put a lot into the ship, Shepard, they want one of their own here to observe the shakedown."

"Well I get that, Anderson, but a Spectre? A bit much I think. Anything else I should know about?"

"I promise I'll fill you in later, let's go greet our guest." Anderson headed out of his office, expecting Shepard to follow him.

"Oh come on, Anderson, just because I let you drag me through introductions this morning, don't go getting used to it. You know I hate this diplomatic shit." As soon as she said it, she knew she'd sounded like a child.

"Let's go, Commander, a little diplomacy won't kill you."

"Ugh, wanna bet?" She mumbled as she followed him towards the stairs to the CIC.

* * *

_"The Arcturus Prime Relay is in range. Initiating transmission sequence."_

Lex had just walked into the CIC on her way to watch the pilot take them through the relay. She always found this part thrilling and didn't want to miss the view.

_"We are connected. Calculating transit mass and destination."_

She looked at the crew around her as she neared the flight deck. She couldn't help but wonder if they really needed to be pushing all those buttons or if they were just trying to avoid her. It seemed like the crew on any of her ships was always busy when she was around. Somehow she doubted it had anything to do with her inspiring work ethic and more to do with the fact that they hoped she would ignore them. She told herself she didn't mind, that it made it easier to detach herself from them and do her job.

_"Relay is hot. Acquiring approach vector. All stations, secure for transit."_

As she reached the flight deck she was surprised to find Nihlus there, and was tempted to turn around, but decided that would obviously look like she was avoiding him. She instead stopped to stand next to him and watch.

_"Board is green. Approach run has begun. Hitting the relay in three . . . two . . . one."_

As the flight deck was flooded with the blue glow of the relay she felt the usual tingle of her as her biotics flared slightly in reaction to passing through the relay. At that moment she noticed Lt. Sexy in the co-pilot seat and saw the tell-tale signs of a biotic flare up in him as he gave a slight shiver in reaction to the relays mass effect field. But instead of looking like he enjoyed it, as she always did, he looked uncomfortable and tense. (How could he not love the way that feels?)

"Thrusters, check. Navigation, check," As the pilot spoke (what did they call him again? Ace, no. Jock, nah.) she realized she was still staring at Lt. Sexy. She turned her attention to the Flight Lieutenant. "Internal emissions sink engaged. All systems online. Drift, just under fifteen hundred k."

"Fifteen hundred is good, your Captain will be pleased." Nihlus said to the pilot as he turned and headed off the flight deck.

"I hate that guy." The pilot grumbled.

"Nihlus just gave you a compliment, so you hate him?" She looked over at the lieutenant as he smirked at Moreau (It's gotta be Jock, right?).

"You remember to zip up your jumpsuit on the way out of the bathroom, that's good. I just shot us halfway across the galaxy and hit a target the size of a pinhead, so that's incredible!" he looked over to the lieutenant. "Besides, Spectres are trouble, I don't like having them on board. Call me paranoid." Lex would have loved to call him paranoid, but she agreed with him, something didn't feel right about having Nihlus on the Normandy. Not that she had anything against the Spectre or Spectre's in general, but it didn't make sense. She wasn't about to let Moreau know that she agreed with him though, she wasn't about to encourage his disregard for regs. He should know better than to talk that way about a visitor on an Alliance vessel.

"You're paranoid," Lt. Sexy said pointedly. "The Council helped fund this project, they have a right to send someone to keep an eye on their investment." (Exactly, you tell him, Lt. Sexy! Okay, she had to stop that before she slipped up and said it aloud.)

"Yeah, that is the official story. Only an idiot believes the official story." Moreau replied. (Oh he did not just call Sexy an idiot.)

"That's enough." She said, as she moved forward to let them know she was on deck. "You're soldiers, act like it."

The both gave a small jump in their chairs as they realized Lex had been listening to them. Alenko gave a slight turn in her direction as he apologized. "Sorry Commander."

_"Joker, status report" _Anderson's voice came over the intercom.

(Joker! Of course, made sense.)

"Just cleared the mass relay, Captain," Joker replied, a more serious tone replacing his previously sarcastic one. "Stealth systems engaged, everything looks solid."

_"Good. Find us a com buoy and link us into the network. I want mission reports relayed back to the Alliance brass before we reach Eden Prime."_

"Aye-aye, Captain. Better brace yourself, sir. I think Nihlus is headed your way."

_"He's already here, Lieutenant," _

Joker winced, as Alenko frowned at him and shook his head. Lex had to admit, Joker had some serious skill when it came to putting his foot in his mouth. She couldn't imagine anyone worse.

_"Tell Commander Shepard to meet me in the com room for a debriefing." Finished Anderson._

Joker looked back at her. "You get that Commander?"

"Yeah. Thanks Joker, you pissed the Captain off, and now I'm going to pay for it." He shrugged and she tried to keep herself from smiling. He was entertaining, she'd give him that.

"Pffft. Don't blame me, the Captain is always in a bad mood." Joker replied.

"Only when he's talking to you, Joker." Alenko shot back.

She wondered how long they'd been friends, their banter seemed so natural and easy. She felt a tightness in her chest as the memory of a similar friendship threatened to invade her thoughts. She gave her head a small shake to force herself back into the present and addressed the men in front of her. "You two try not to offend any other visitors while I'm gone." With that she turned and headed off to meet with the Captain.

Joker turned to make sure she had left. "Heh. I think she likes me."

"How the hell did you get that off of her telling us to basically shut up and act like soldiers?" Kaidan gave Joker a confused look.

"Hey, she didn't yell. That's gotta mean something" replied Joker.

Kaidan shook his head. All he could think was this was wrong impression number two with Shepard.


	7. Chapter 7 - Deja Vu

"Your team's the muscle in this operation, Commander. Go in heavy and head straight for the dig site." Anderson said, his voice a bit louder than usual in order to be heard over the sound of the cargo doors opening as they neared the first drop point.

"What about survivors, Captain?" Kaidan asked. He knew the majority of the people in the colony were civilians and could only imagine the chaos below.

Anderson frowned. "Helping survivors is a secondary objective. The beacon is your top priority." Kaidan could tell that Anderson hated that as much as he did, but that was the mission.

_"Approaching drop point one."_ Joker's stated through the intercom.

"Nihlus, you're coming with us?" Asked a surprised Jenkins. Kaidan could see that the idea of fighting alongside a Spectre was exiting to the kid, and he admitted to himself that he was eager to see the council's agent in action.

Without looking towards them Nihlus replied "I move faster on my own." And then jumped out of the Normandy's cargo bay, down to the drop site.

"Nihlus will scout ahead. He'll feed you status reports throughout the mission, otherwise I want radio silence." Said Anderson.

At this Shepard spoke up. "I don't like putting our lives in the hands of a non-Alliance agent, sir." Kaidan wondered if the Commander had a problem with aliens, or if she just wasn't keen on trusting an unknown.

Anderson sighed, and Kaidan wondered if the Captain had dealt with Shepard's trust issues before. From the small amount of interaction he'd witnessed between the two, they seemed to know each other quite well. "Nihlus is on our side" Anderson replied. "He wants you in the Spectres and he wants that beacon."

Kaidan looked over at Shepard. She was being considered for Spectre status? This was huge. The first human Spectre and Kaidan was under her command. He didn't know whether to be excited or scared shitless. He tried to calm his nerves as he realized the pressure to get this done right had now doubled. He swore to himself he wouldn't let her down. Shepard gave him a quick glance, and shrugged her shoulders at him. He could only see her eyes with the helmet she wore, but he didn't see the nonchalant attitude she tried to convey with the motion. Instead he saw determination, she didn't want to let Anderson down.

She turned to the Captain. "Ready and able, sir."

Anderson smiled. "The mission's yours now, Shepard. Good luck."

* * *

"Nihlus is on our side" Anderson replied. "He wants you in the Spectres and he wants that beacon."

Lex looked over at Lt. Sexy (Alenko! Damn it.) seeing the look of surprise in his face. She didn't blame him, she didn't think she deserved to be a Spectre either. She'd been reeling since finding out the true reason for Nihlus being on board. She was the last person they should be considering for the honor of being the first human Spectre. She studied the Lieutenant. Now him on the other hand, they should have been looking at someone like him. His record was impeccable, his file filled with commendations. Although he'd been in the Alliance a year less than she had, he'd started as a commissioned officer and the fact that she now out ranked him was, in her opinion, ridiculous. Yeah, she got stuff done, but at what cost? The number of people that had died under her command was almost too much for her to bear. And now they wanted to make her some sort of guardian for the galaxy? Crazy. God, she needed a drink.

She shook it off as she turned to the Captain. "Ready and able, sir."

Anderson smiled. "The mission's yours now, Shepard. Good luck."

(Yeah, rub it in.)

_"We are approaching drop point two."_

She sighed, and headed towards the exit.

* * *

"Ship perimeter secure, Commander!" Kaidan said as he looked around. "God, it smells like smoke and death." He tried to steel himself for what he expected they'd find on their way to the beacon. By the look of things, they wouldn't be finding many survivors. Suddenly he saw something. "On our ten and two, what the hell are those?"

Jenkins chuckled. "Gas bags. Don't worry – they're harmless."

"Damn." They were ugly, and although Jenkins insisted they were harmless, he wasn't sure he trusted him completely.

As they ran towards the direction of the position where they would find the beacon Kaidan examined his surroundings. He'd heard people talk about Eden Prime before, but he'd never seen it for himself. It was quite beautiful. Even reminded him a bit of his parent's orchard back home.

"Oh, god. What happened here?" He heard Jenkins exclaim and turned to look at what the young marine was referring to. He could see signs of a battle on the outskirts of the colony. He looked at Jenkins. (Poor kid.) He knew Jenkins was from Eden Prime and couldn't imagine how hard seeing his home like this must be for the kid. He was about to say something to comfort him when the Commander signaled for them to stop. Kaidan looked around, but didn't see anything. He wondered what had caught Shepard's attention. Shepard motioned them to move ahead and Jenkins took the scouting position ahead of them. Jenkins had only gotten a few feet ahead when the drones appeared. There were three of them, and they all aimed their fire at the kid. He didn't stand a chance. He was down in seconds.

"Damn it!" Shepard cursed as she ran up and opened fire on the drones, not seeming to care that she was standing out in the open. They both had the same idea and hit the two remaining drones with an overcharge each. They went down fast.

Kaidan ran up to Jenkins and checked his vitals. "Ripped right through his shields. The kid never had a chance." He reached out and closed Jenkins' eyes, feeling like he had been staring Kaidan down. Somehow accusing him of…no, he couldn't think that way. There was nothing they could have done. He stood up and looked at the Commander.

She was staring at Jenkins. Kaidan wished he could see her face. "Leave him. We need to finish the mission." Shepard looked up at him then, and although her voice had been cold and hard as she said it, he was suddenly taken aback by the sadness in her green eyes. He had the urge to say something to let her know he felt the same way, but thought better of it.

"Aye, aye, sir." he said, deciding that if the Commander could push ahead, so could he. They moved on, and Kaidan wondered how much worse things could get.

* * *

Lex walked down the ramp and looked up at the beacon. It was a tall green structure and it looked like, well it looked like it was on. This green glow coming off of it. "Normandy, the beacon is secure. Request immediate extraction."

"This is amazing. Actual working Prothean technology." The Lieutenant said in awe. "Unbelievable."

"It wasn't doing anything like that when they dug it up." Replied the Chief. "Something must have activated it."

Shepard felt it was a safe bet that Saren had, and that meant he had probably gotten what he was looking for. She figured the bombs they'd had to disarm on the way up here had been meant to destroy the beacon and make it so no one would be able to get to what he was after. She turned around and responded to Joker's hail. "Roger Normandy. Standing by."

She was exhausted and couldn't stop thinking about Jenkins and Nihlus. Another two names to add to her list of casualties. She sighed. At least they had saved the Chief that was something. She was about to ask Joker to have someone go and retrieve their bodies when she saw Kaidan somehow being pulled into the beacon.

"No!" Lex yelled as she ran up behind him and grabbed his waist. She tried to pull him back, but whatever it was that had him was too strong. She made a quick decision and put all her weight into a twist, putting herself in front of the beacon's beam and pushing the Lieutenant out of the way. She saw him land and then she felt herself being lifted off the platform. It felt like every muscle in her body was being stretched. She wanted to scream but she couldn't. She clenched her jaw as her mind was invaded by images she couldn't understand. Each image she saw felt like her brain was being stabbed by thousands of burning needles. Her head felt like it was going to explode. Lex didn't know how much more she could take, it felt like hours of constant pain and then….darkness.

Kaidan hit the ground. The pain in his head worse than any migraine he'd ever suffered. He felt lightheaded and struggled to get up, but quickly fell back on his knees. He looked up, and saw the Commander being held a few feet in the air by a light emitting from the beacon. "Shepard!" He tried to get up to help her.

"No! Don't touch her." Williams yelled as she pulled him back down. "It's too dangerous!" He watched in horror as her body tensed. He could hear grunts of pain coming from her and each one hurt him too. This was his fault! Why did she throw herself in front of the beacon? Suddenly the beacon exploded and Shepard was thrown a few feet away. Kaidan tore himself away from Williams and ran towards his Commander, the pain in his head forgotten as he hoped she was okay.

"Commander? Commander can you hear me? Shepard?" She was unconscious, but still breathing. Kaidan could hear the Chief radio the Normandy behind him. He reached up and took off Shepard's helmet before cradling her in his arms. For the first time, he looked at Shepard's face without any obstructions. She had a scar across her face that ran from right above her eyebrow, across her nose and lips down to her chin. But although it must have been a horrible sight when she first got it, it was now just a barely noticeable line that actually accentuated her beauty. And she was beautiful. The rest of her face was flawless. He was surprised to see that she had full, sensuous lips considering she always seemed have them in a tight hard line, not quite frowning but stern. She had a strong jaw that didn't take away the femininity of her face, which was saying something considering that she kept her hair closely shaved. She grimaced in pain, and Kaidan had a quick feeling of Déjà vu before the arrival of the Normandy got his attention.

He turned back to look at Shepard in his arms. "Come on Commander, I expect you to be chewing me out later for being stupid enough to get so close to that thing and doing this to you." He said as he stood up and carried her into the Normandy.


	8. Chapter 8 - An Anchor in the Abyss

Kaidan's head was pounding and he'd never been happier to have a migraine in his life, because this one gave him an excuse to be in the medbay. It felt like ages since he had carried Shepard in from Eden Prime, and she still hadn't woken up. Dr. Chakwas insisted that she was physically fine, but still she wouldn't wake up. He stayed with her while Dr. Chakwas did the initial scans, the knot in his stomach from the guilt much worse than his migraine and exhaustion. The Captain arrived shortly after they did, and Kaidan could see he was worried about her. Not just how a superior worries about one of their subordinates, but as someone he cared about. That only made Kaidan feel worse.

"Alenko, what the hell happened out there?" Anderson asked, without taking his eyes off of the Commander.

"It's my fault sir. I got too close to the beacon and activated it somehow. The Commander put herself in harm's way to save me. I take full responsibility."

Anderson looked over at Alenko, the Lieutenant looked horrible. The guilt on his face clear as day. He reminded him of Shepard. She carried the guilt of so many lives on her shoulders, and although she hid it well, Anderson knew that it was eating away at her. He wasn't going to let it do the same to Alenko.

"The Commander did was she was supposed to do, she'd never let someone under her command get hurt if she could avoid it. You had no idea the beacon would react that way, it had been harmless until that point." He hoped the Lieutenant would listen.

"Yes, sir." Kaidan was grateful for the Captain's reassurance, but he still couldn't help feeling guilty. If only the Commander would wake up.

* * *

The first thing Lex remembered as she woke up was the pain, which made sense because her head felt like a sledge hammer was beating on it. She started to open her eyes, but quickly had to close them as the pain somehow got worse and she was hit by a wave of nausea. "Ugh."

"Doctor? Dr. Chakwas? I think she's waking up." Alenko said as he got closer to her. (Shhhh, stop yelling Lt. Sexy.) He did sound worried though, and she felt those little butterflies in her stomach again.

"You had us worried there, Shepard. How are you feeling?" Dr. Chakwas asked as she walked up to Lex and scanned her vitals. These people needed to stop talking so loud.

"Not great." She replied, as she slowly moved herself into a sitting position, still not risking opening her eyes. "Like the morning after shore leave. How long was I out?"

Chakwas replied as she logged something into her omnitool. "About fifteen hours. Something happened down there with the beacon, I think."

Alenko moved closer. "It's my fault. I must have triggered some kind of security field when I approached it. You had to push me out of the way."

Lex opened her eyes, another wave of nausea hitting her, but she ignored it. She looked over at the Lieutenant. He looked like she felt. And she felt an urge to relieve his pain, not bearing to see him like that. How did he do that? "Don't blame yourself. You had no way to know what would happen." She tried to smile, to reassure him, but she was pretty sure her face wasn't cooperating. She looked back at Chakwas who was looking at her with shock, one eyebrow raised as if to ask 'What was that?' Lex shrugged, she didn't have a clue where it came from.

"Actually, we don't even know if that's what set it off. Unfortunately, we'll never get the chance to find out." Chakwas informed her.

"The beacon exploded. A system overload, maybe. The blast knocked you cold. Williams and I had to carry you back here to the ship." Kaidan added, a sheepish look on his face.

Lex blushed. He'd had to carry her back to the ship? (Great, like he didn't have enough reasons to doubt her ability to do her job.) "Thanks, I appreciate it."

Chakwas walked over to her again. "Physically, you're fine. But I cited some unusual brain activity, abnormal beta waves. I also noticed an increase in your rapid eye movement, signs typically associated with intense dreaming."

"I saw –I'm not sure what I saw. Death. Destruction. Nothing's really clear." She raised her fingers to her temples and rubbed them. It was like someone was playing a vid at triple the speed in her head. She could make out something every once in a while, but most of it was just going too fast.

"Hmmm. I better add this to my report." Lex saw the look of concern in the doctor's face, and she knew her well enough to worry that she might be benched if Chakwas grew too concerned. "It may—Oh, Captain Anderson."

Anderson walked into to the medbay and Lex didn't even bother to look up at him. She knew what she would see on his face, and she needed a moment to try and collect herself. She didn't want him worrying about her too.

"How's our XO holding up, Doctor?" He asked.

"All the readings look normal. I'd say the commander's going to be fine." Lex let out a breath she hadn't realized she'd been holding. And gave Chakwas a small nod of thanks.

"Glad to hear it. Shepard, I need to speak with you – in private." He glanced at the Lieutenant.

Lex noticed a slight hesitation from Alenko before he addressed the Captain. "Aye, aye, Captain. I'll be in the mess if you need me." He gave Lex one last look and headed out. She was sure he was reluctant to leave without addressing the fact that she lost two people and she'd almost let him get hurt.

"Sounds like that beacon hit you pretty hard, Commander. You sure you're okay" The concern in his voice made her feel guilty. She hated that he worried so much about her, and that she let him down so often. She just couldn't be who he wanted her to be.

"I'm fine." She said, as she got up off the bed. "I'll live." Although with the pain in her head, she wasn't sure that was the up side. She looked up at him, and she felt her shoulders drop a bit. "I don't like losing soldiers under my command."

Anderson walked up to her, and put his hand on her shoulder. "Jenkins wasn't your fault. You did a good job, Lex." He knew despite what he said, she would put all the blame on herself. As far as she was concerned, anything that happened to her people on the ground was on her. She carried the weight of each death, and he feared the day it would bring her down. He'd seen her hanging over the edge before, and he knew she lived her life right on it. He didn't think he'd be able to pull her back again when that day came.

"Did we leave Gunnery Chief Williams back on Eden Prime?" She asked, suddenly remembering the one person she managed to save. (No, I saved him too.)

Anderson smiled. "I figured we could use a soldier like her. She's been reassigned to the Normandy."

Lex nodded. "Williams is a good soldier. She held her own out there, despite staggering odds. She deserves it."

"Lieutenant Alenko agrees with you. That's why I added her to our crew." Replied Anderson. Lex nodded, grateful that Alenko had spoken up for Williams. He knew a good soldier when he saw one, just like he knew when a pretender was standing in front of him.

"Intel dropped the ball, sir." She scowled. "We had no idea what we were walking into down there. That's why things went to hell."

"The geth haven't been outside the veil in two centuries, Commander. Nobody could have predicted this." He was right, she knew it.

"You said you wanted to see me in private, Captain?" She was eager to get out of the medbay and find a spot on the ship away from the lights and the noise.

Anderson's face darkened. "I won't lie to you, Lex. Things look bad. Nihlus is dead. The beacon was destroyed and geth are invading. The Council's going to want answers."

This annoyed her. "The Council can kiss my ass. I won't let them blame my squad for losing the beacon, they didn't do anything wrong!" She winced as her own raised voice increased the pain in her head.

"I'll stand behind you and your report, Lex. You're a damned hero in my books. And don't argue with me about that now." He said, knowing full well she was about to. She hated being called that. "That's not why I'm here. It's Saren. That other turian. Saren's a Spectre, one of the best. A living legend. But if he's working with the geth, it means he's gone rogue. A rogue Spectre is trouble. Saren's dangerous. And he hates humans."

That last line caught her attention. "You know him?"

Anderson turned away from Lex, his head dropping. "Let's just say I've dealt with him before. He thinks we're growing too fast, taking over the galaxy. A lot of aliens think that way. Most of them don't do anything about it, but Saren has allied himself with the geth. I don't know how, and I don't know why. I only know it had something to do with that beacon."

He turned around and looked at her. "You were there just before the beacon self-destructed. Did you see anything? Any clue that might tell us what Saren was after?"

"Just before I lost consciousness….I had some sort of vision." She knew how crazy that made her sound. And with her history, that was not something she wanted people thinking.

Anderson frowned. "A vision?" He knew what she had struggled with after Torfan, there was no way she would say something like that unless she was sure of what she'd seen. "A vision of what?"

She closed her eyes, hoping it would help make more sense of the pictures in her head. "I saw synthetics. Geth, maybe? Slaughtering people. Butchering them." She felt a sudden wave of nausea hit her, and she leaned back on the bed hoping no one noticed the dizziness that accompanied it. Her head was pounding.

Anderson saw her sway slightly before she used the bed to steady herself, but he knew she'd just deny it if he said anything. "We need to report this to the Council, Lex."

Her head shot up, her eyes wide as she spoke. "They'll think I'm crazy, or drunk!"

"And I know you're not." He knew about her drinking problem, and he also knew that she hadn't had a single drop of alcohol in four years. But she was always worried someone would use her past, her actions at Torfan, or her problems with alcohol to boot her from the Alliance. She might not believe she was a hero, but she lived for her job.

"I'll find some way to take him down, Anderson." She plead.

Anderson sighed. "It's not that easy. He's a Spectre. He can go anywhere, do almost anything. We need the Council on our side."

"Fine. Whatever you think is best, sir." She said, dejected. "If you don't mind, I think I'd like to go get some rest before we get to the Citadel."

"Of course, Commander." Anderson replied as he watched her walking out of the medbay. He was pretty sure she was looking over that edge.

* * *

As she stepped out of the medbay, Lex could feel that sinking feeling building up in her chest. She had to find a place to herself soon, or risk someone seeing her sink into the abyss. She didn't want that.

"I'm glad to see you're okay, Commander." She heard the Lieutenant before she saw him. Had he been waiting for her? "Losing Jenkins was hard on the crew. And… well, I'm glad we didn't lose you, too."

The hole in her chest deepened. She couldn't bear the look on his face, the concern in his voice, not now. She felt herself breathing too fast, not deep enough. She gave her head a small shake (Owwww) and tried to regain some control. "Um, things were pretty rough down there."

Kaidan frowned. She was obviously in pain and he wondered if she shouldn't have stayed in the medbay a while longer. He cursed himself again for getting her hurt. He looked into her eyes and noticed something else. Panic? He noticed how tense she looked. This was more than a reaction to pain or being overtired. Something was wrong. "Yeah, you never get used to seeing dead civilians. Doesn't seem right, somehow. But at least you stopped Saren from wiping out the whole colony."

"No." she replied, then stopped before she said too much. "We stopped him. I couldn't have done it without you, Lieutenant."

He smiled. "We're marines. We stick together." Kaidan paused. "I'm just sorry we lost Jenkins."

Lex closed her eyes as she felt herself being dragged into the abyss. "I'm sorry. I.. should have done something to save him. I…" She had to get away from him, she had to get out of the mess and away from everyone.

Kaidan wanted to kick himself for bringing up Jenkins again. The look on the Commander's face was heartbreaking. He could see her eyes becoming glassy, and her lips trembled. She was trying not to cry. Commander Shepard, the Butcher of Torfan. All he had ever heard were stories of the cold, unfeeling, uncaring and ruthless Shepard. But the woman he saw before him was none of those things. He wanted to comfort her and without thinking put his hand on her arm. "I was there Commander. You did everything right. It was just bad luck."

The moment he touched her, Lex felt like his hand was an anchor stopping her from falling deeper into her misery. She had a sudden urge to reach out and hang on to him for dear life. She looked into his eyes. He was being honest. He meant what he was saying. Although she'd heard the same from Anderson just minutes ago, this time she actually believed it. His brows were once again close together, in what she knew was his concerned look. And for the first time, she was sure it was a concern for her and not her actions. She felt herself being pulled back from the edge. The feeling of emptiness in her chest beginning to fade. She looked down at his hand, hoping he'd never move it. (Who the hell are you, Alenko?)

He was relieved to see her calming down. The tension in her shoulders faded and her breathing wasn't as shallow. His worry was just starting to fade when she looked down at his hand. (Shit.) He withdrew it quickly. She looked up and for a fraction of a second he saw the look of disappointment on her face. Was it because he took his hand away? No, he admonished himself, she just couldn't believe he'd been so forward. (What the hell is wrong with me?)

"Ah, it's been a hell of a shakedown cruise." He blurted out as he tried to focus her attention on anything else. "Our first mission ends with one Spectre killing another. The Citadel Council's not going to be happy about that. Probably use it to level more concessions out of the Alliance."

(Yes, thank you, moving on from my total lack of whatever it is that keeps normal people from acting like an idiot.) Lex couldn't be more grateful to him for giving her a way out of that awkward moment, when she'd been on the verge of asking him for his hand back. The disappointment that had hit her when he took it back had surprised her, and him as well, if the look of total shock he had was any indication. Oh god, he was probably hoping she wasn't an emotional wreck that was about to cling herself on to him for dear life.

"You've got a good grasp of the situation." She said, gratefully going along with the new topic. "You a career man?"

"Yeah, you know how it is, Commander. A lot of biotics are. We're not restricted, but we sure don't go undocumented. May as well get a paycheck for it." He replied.

She shrugged. "I really wouldn't know, the Alliance had no clue about my biotic ability until I enlisted."

Kaidan was surprised by that. He wanted to ask how that was possible, but he had over stepped himself enough for one day. "Oh. Well besides, my father served. Made him proud when I enlisted. Eventually. But is that why you're here? Because of your family?" The moment the words came out of his mouth he knew he'd said something else wrong. She tensed up.

"It's not important right now." She straightened her shoulders and took a step back. Surprised at how close she'd actually been standing to him. "We'll talk another time, Alenko. Make sure you're good to go for this meeting with the ambassador." She hesitated. "And…thank you."

He blushed. "No need to thank me, ma'am. I felt responsible for you getting hurt, the least I could do was make sure you got to the medbay as quickly as possible."

"Yes, ah, thanks for that, too. But I was thanking you for saving me again a moment ago." She blushed and took a few steps away.

Kaidan watched her as she turned and walked backwards a few steps, then said "I guess that makes you my hero today." She gave him a big smile, and headed up the steps to the CIC. In that instant, he wasn't in the mess staring at his Commander. He was with his buddies, in a bar watching as a wild beauty smiled and waved in his direction. (It couldn't be….) He stood there in shock. Then a smile appeared on his face and the next thing he knew he was grinning like an idiot.


	9. Chapter 9 - Two Peas in a Pod

Lex was making her way to the flight deck when she saw Williams in the CIC.

"Hey Commander."

"Chief."

"I heard about Jenkins, after what happened, the crew could use some good news. They'll be glad to hear you're okay." There was a hint of disdain in how the Chief had said that.

"Sounds like you're disappointed I survived." More like disappointed Lex wasn't fast enough to save her squad….or Jenkins.

"I never want to see anything bad happen to a fellow marine, Commander. Let's just leave it at that."

Lex sighed. "I think we got off on the wrong foot, Williams. We'd just lost a man. I didn't know you or your capabilities. It was a bad time to integrate you into the team. Maybe we could start again?" She knew what Ashley was going through right now, knew what it was like to lose so many around you and wonder why you're the one that was left alive.

Ashley was a bit surprised. She'd regretted her words the moment she had said them, remembering everything she'd heard about Shepard. She hadn't expected to see the look of understanding in the Commander's face. "That's fair. Guess I overreacted. I just get a little defensive when someone thinks I can't hold my own."

"Heh, that's funny, I get tired of everyone thinking I can handle anything" (Shit, why did I say that out loud!) Ashley was looking at her like she'd just said something in some weird language she couldn't understand.

Ashley was taken aback. Did Commander Shepard, the Butcher of Torfan, just say what she thinks she said? She had never considered that the Commander didn't think of herself as others did, as the ultimate soldier that could do everything.

"Um..so, anyways, Welcome aboard the Normandy. I need to go speak with Joker." Lex couldn't get out of there quick enough. (I blame Lt. Sexy!) She had been halfway up the stairs to the CIC before she realized she was still smiling. She couldn't remember the last time she came out of one of her attacks before it had even really begun…at least without drinking it away. What was it about that man? Yeah, he was good looking (Hot!) but she'd met plenty of good looking people in her life, none of them had ever had that effect on her. The moment his hand had touched her, she felt connected to him. He centered her and lifted her out of the abyss. How did he do that? And now she had just opened up to Ashley without meaning too. She'd never told anyone that. Damn that man.

She entered the flight deck and stood by Joker.

He looked up at her. "Good timing, Commander. I was just about to bring us into the Citadel. See that taxpayer money at work."

"Look at the size of that ship!" Ashley had walked up behind her. Lex looked back and noticed Lt. Sexy had joined them as well.

Kaidan followed Ashley's eyes and looked out at the ship she was talking about. "The Ascension. Flagship of the Citadel Fleet."

Lex looked at the ship. She'd been to the Citadel countless times, and she'd never taken the time to study it before. But now she was seeing it through their eyes. She let herself experience the wonder of it. It was big, and it was beautiful.

Kaidan looked over at Shepard as she watched them pass the Ascension. She looked calm, and she had a slight smile on her face. Had she looked like that the first time they met outside of the Normandy, he would have recognized her in an instant. Despite the scar and the hair, when she smiled like that the years and hardships faded from her face and she was that girl at the bar again. All those years he'd spent scanning all those faces for her, he never saw her standing right in front of him. Even when he noticed she was a redhead. Now that feeling of Déjà vu back on Eden Prime made sense. He hadn't had time to think back on it afterwards, too worried about her. Of course he'd never forgotten how he'd felt the first time he had seen her in pain. He'd wanted so badly to comfort her, and he'd been surprised by that. He felt that same need when he saw her starting to lose herself in that despair he saw in her eyes when they talked about Jenkins. Commander Shepard was his wild haired soldier.

Lex turned away from the window and right into the Lieutenant's eyes. The way he was staring at her took her breath away, and she felt herself start to blush. His eyes widened and he cleared his throat, turning his attention back to the ship outside. (What the hell was that?)

Joker's voice made her realize she was still on the flight deck, surrounded by the crew. "Well, size isn't everything." He muttered. Her face suddenly felt hotter. She quickly looked around and sighed in relief as she realized no one had been paying any attention to her. (Except him, he was paying attention.)

Ashley laughed. "Why so touchy, Joker?"

"I'm just saying, you need firepower, too."

"Look at that monster." Ashley motioned towards the Ascension. "Its main gun could rip through the barriers on any ship in the Alliance fleet."

"Good thing it's on our side, then." Kaidan chimed in, having recovered from the embarrassment of Shepard finding him staring at her.

* * *

"The council has found no evidence of any connection between Saren and the geth." The Asari councilor said, looking down at them. "Ambassador, your petition to have him disbarred from the Spectres is denied."

"I'm glad to see justice was served." Saren stated.

"This meeting is adjourned." Said the Asari Councilor before turning to leave the tower.

Lex was fuming. How could they just let him get away with it? They hadn't even given C-Sec a chance to conduct a proper investigation.

"It was a mistake bringing you into that hearing, Captain." Udina stated accusingly at Anderson. "You and Saren have too much history. It made the Council question our motives."

"I know Saren. He's working with the geth for one reason: to exterminate the entire human race." Anderson sounded as upset as she was, and that surprised her. She'd never seen him so angry, and she had given him plenty of reasons to be pissed off at her over the years. "Every colony we have is at risk. Every world we control is in danger. Even Earth isn't safe."

"Tell me about this history between you and Saren." She knew it had to be something big.

Anderson frowned. Once again he turned away from her as he spoke about his past with Saren, just as he had on the Normandy. "I worked with him on a mission a long time ago. Things went bad. Real bad." He turned to look at her. "I know you want to know more, but we shouldn't talk about this here. Just trust me, I know what he's like. And he has to be stopped."

Anderson was the person she trusted the most in her life, and for her that was big. She knew he'd tell her anything she needed to know, when he was ready. "If the Council won't do anything, we need to deal with Saren ourselves."

Udina chimed in "As a Spectre, he's virtually untouchable. We need to find some way to expose him." (Well no shit, you don't say.) Okay, so the man got on her nerves, she hated politicians.

"What about Garrus, Commander?" Kaidan asked from behind her. She looked back at him. "That C-Sec investigator? We saw him arguing with the executor."

"That's right." Added Ashley. "He was asking for more time to finish his report. Seems like he was close to finding something on Saren."

The investigator had been upset about being taken off the case. It could just be his dislike for Saren, but it was worth looking into to. Lex smiled at her marines, these two would definitely not be taking a back seat in this. She liked that. "Any idea where we could find him, Ambassador?"

"I have a contact in C-Sec who can help us track Garrus down. His name is Harkin."

Anderson shook his head. "Forget it. They suspended Harkin last month. Drinking on the job. I won't waste my time with that loser." He looked over at Lex, suddenly realizing his bad choice in words. The regret on his face immediate. Lex shrugged, she knew why he felt bad, but she agreed with him. Anyone that drank their career away was a loser. She looked back at her squad and knew by the look on the lieutenant's face that he had noticed their little exchange. She sighed. Sooner or later he was going to figure it out, and any progress she'd made with him was going to be destroyed. He'd finally be reminded of what she was.

"You won't have to, Captain." Udina said pointedly. "I don't want the Council using your past history with Saren as an excuse to ignore anything we turn up." He turned to Lex. "Shepard will handle this."

Yeah, she hated him. "You can't just cut Captain Anderson out of this investigation."

"The Ambassador's right. I need to step aside."

"I need to take care of some business." Udina looked at Anderson. "Captain, meet me in my office later." She hated the way he ordered Anderson about, like he was some wet behind the ears private instead of one of the most respected officers in the Alliance.

Anderson looked at Lex. "Shepard, you should send one of your people to question Harkin. I have another lead that might help, and I would prefer you handle it personally."

Lex raised an eyebrow at the Captain. "I'm pretty sure I can handle both, and I'd rather not have my team split up while we're here. I don't trust Saren not to have agents around."

Anderson sighed. "Harkin's probably getting drunk at Chora's Den, Commander. It's a dingy little club in the lower section of the wards." Now she understood. He didn't trust her to walk into a bar and come out sober.

Lex shrugged. "I've heard of it. I'm sure there's nothing there I haven't seen before. My team and I will go question him together." She insisted. "What's the other lead you mentioned?"

He saw the determined look on her face and knew there was no point in trying to talk her out of it. He trusted her to not fall off the wagon, but he hated putting her in the middle of temptation. He knew it wasn't easy for her. "You should talk to Barla Von. Over in the financial district. Rumor has it he's an agent for the Shadow Broker."

Lex tensed up at the mention of the Shadow Broker. (Get a grip.)

Behind her Ashley asked. "The Shadow Broker?" Lex was surprised. How could there be anyone who hadn't heard of the Broker? She imagined the Chief must have grown up very differently to her. (Must be nice.)

Lex replied. "An information dealer. Buys and sells secrets and other "valuables" to the highest bidder."

Anderson nodded. "I've heard Barla Von's one of the top representatives."

"You and Saren have a history, Captain. What happened?" Lex asked. The concern for him clearly evident in her voice.

This time, he didn't turn away from her as he spoke. "About twenty years ago, I was part of a mission in the Skyllian Verge. I was working with Saren to find and remove a known terrorist threat. Saren eliminated his target, but a lot of people died along the way. Innocent people. And the official records just covered it up."

Kaidan noticed as Shepard shivered. A look of guilt washed over her face.

She lowered her head. "Sounds familiar."

"Shepard." Anderson took a few steps forward so that he was standing right in front of her. She looked up at him. "I saw how he operates. No conscience. No hesitation. He'd kill a thousand innocent civilians to end a war without a second thought. Saren doesn't even look for another option. He's twisted, broken. He likes the violence, the killing. And he knows how to cover his tracks."

She'd liked it too. Anderson seemed to sense what she was thinking.

"He's never shown an ounce of regret, Shepard. This wasn't a moment of weakness or a breakdown. This is who he is, always." He moved closer still, and lowered his voice so that only she would hear him. "You are nothing like him." She looked into his eyes and knew he believed what he was telling her. She just wasn't sure she did. But she nodded, knowing he would worry if he thought she was still dwelling on the conversation when she headed to talk to Harkin.

Kaidan watched all of this with curiosity. Although he knew he and Ashley should zone out of the conversation on focus on anything else, he couldn't help himself. Shepard was comparing herself to Saren. And that just didn't make any sense to him. He'd seen her tense up when the Captain had told her about the mission. And he didn't understand why the Captain didn't want her questioning Harkin. The expression on her face became pained and dark. He couldn't explain it, but he could feel that feeling of despair creeping in on her again. He had to fight the urge to go to her, and offer his support. But just as quickly as it came, the feeling was gone. She seemed to shake it off and regain her composure.

"I want to know more about the Spectres." (Like why the hell they would choose me?) They'd chosen Saren, though, so maybe they had a thing for broken people. Figured we'd be able to do the jobs normal people couldn't.

Anderson smiled, thinking she had seen the logic in what he said. "They're not your typical government agency. They tend to work alone, behind the scenes, which you've being doing for a while now. They take care of the problems the Council can't." He took a few steps back, realizing he was hovering over her. "It's not easy preserving peace across an entire galaxy. The Council prefers to use diplomacy and negotiation, but sometimes more extreme measures are needed."

(And that's when they look to us murderers.) "How do they decide who becomes a Spectre?" Kill count, maybe?

"You can't just apply to join. There's no training program. Spectres aren't made – they're born. Like you, Commander." He had a look of pride on his face. (Was I born this broken?) "The Council is always looking for exceptional individuals. People who can get the job done, like you. They've been watching you for years."

"Creepy." She joked.

Kaidan chuckled behind her, then tried to cover it up by clearing his throat.

Anderson continued. "They see something in you. They want you on their side." (Their new assassin?) She sighed and nodded at Anderson. She knew he wanted her to be proud of this, to see this as a good thing, an honor.

Kaidan stepped forward to ask something. "Captain, what's their command structure like?"

The Captain looked over at the Lieutenant. "There is no command structure. Each Spectre answers directly to the Council. Sometimes they're sent on specific missions. Other times they act on their own. They tend to operate outside the law. Do whatever it takes to accomplish their goals. And the Council just turns a blind eye." He looked at Lex. "They have a lot of power, Shepard."

"They sound like shadow operatives." Suggested Kaidan. He didn't like the sound of that. All that power without any real control over how it's wielded. Look how Saren had handled it.

"Everything about them is classified. We don't even know how many there are. The latest Alliance estimate puts their numbers under a hundred." Anderson replied. "But the Council couldn't do its job without them. They're the Citadel's top agents. The last line of defense. The final option before open war. The entire galaxy respects and fears them. If a Spectre shows up, you know something big is about to happen."

"Hey Commander, sounds just like you!" Ashley said, half-jokingly.

Lex cringed, and Kaidan gave Ashley an admonishing look. Ashley shrugged and mouthed "What?"

"What happens when a Spectre goes rogue, like Saren?" Lex asked, choosing to ignore the Chief's comment.

"It doesn't happen often. The Council is careful when they select their candidates. But when something does go wrong, there's usually only one solution: send another Spectre to bring the rogue agent down." Lex frowned, she'd hoped he wouldn't say that. So basically, if she wanted to bring down Saren she'd have to become a Spectre. The thought of having that much power with nothing to hold her back terrified her.

"I should go." None of this would matter if they didn't find evidence against Saren.

"Good luck, Shepard. I'll be over in the ambassador's office if you need anything else." With that, he dismissed them and headed back to the embassies.


	10. Chapter 10 - Pity

"Commander, are we really going to walk around counting keepers?" Ashley asked.

"Why not? We're walking around anyways, and I'm rather curious about them. Aren't you? Lex replied.

"I am." Kaidan answered as he reached the cab pad. "So where to first, Commander?"

"I guess we'll get Harkin out of the way. I don't want to waste too much of our time, and I really don't think he'll be that helpful." (And I really don't want to spend more time in Chora's Den then I have to.)

Minutes later they were stepping out of the cab and through the doors to the ward. "Chora's Den is just up ahead. We'll get in, get the info, and get out."

"Understood Commander." Kaidan said as he came up next to her. She looked over and was surprised to find him so close. He smiled at her and she felt herself get flustered, she was so distracted that she didn't notice the hit men until she heard him shout. "Hostiles spotted."

"There she is." Shouted one of the assassins. She crouched down and instinctively pulled the Lieutenant down with her.

"How many, Alenko?" She asked him as she pulled out her pistol.

"I counted two, ma'am." He answered, and then he was suddenly awash in blue as he brought up his barrier.

"Williams?" Lex felt a moment of panic when she didn't see the Chief. Damn it, why hadn't she been paying attention.

"On your six, Commander." Ashley replied. Lex realized she hadn't turned the corner yet, and was still on the other side of the wall.

"Alenko, we're going to flank them. You take the left, I'll go right. Make sure they notice you heading that way. Williams, I want you to pick them off as they concentrate on us. Understood?"

"Aye, aye, ma'am." They each replied.

"Alright, go." She stood up and sent a throw in between the two assassins. Hitting neither of them but definitely getting their attention. Alenko did the same and they succeeded in splitting them up. They had one assassin each. Lex took a few shots, but bastard was keeping low to the wall as he rounded the corner.

"Screw this." She huffed and ran up out of cover and straight towards the assassin. He saw his chance and stood. She knew he was hoping to take her down as she ran towards him. Heck he was probably thinking she was an idiot. He took three shots, hitting her with each one. She took some too, but her aim wasn't much of anything while she was running at full speed. Her shields were about to fail and she hoped that Ashley was paying attention. She was almost on top of him as he took the next shot, and she knew that at this range her shields would be no good. She braced herself, but instead of being hit by the assassin's shot she was tripping over his body as he fell forward, the back of his head a bloody mess. She looked back towards where'd she started and saw Ashley give her a big smile. She almost laugh, but then she remembered.

"Alenko!" She turned just in time to see the other assassin fly over the railing. She saw the Lieutenant walking her way, dusting off his hands as if he'd actually picked the guy up with them and thrown him over. He smiled at her and her stomach did a flip.

"All in a day's work, ma'am." And he then he frowned. "Those were Saren's men."

"Yup. Guess I was right about not wanting us to split up." Who knew, her stubbornness at not looking weak in front of Anderson hadn't backfired on her. (Hooray!) "Come on, let's get this over with."

They walked into Chora's Den, and Lex instinctively took a deep breath through her nose. She took a second to savor the familiar smell. Not because she'd ever been to this particular bar, but it because it had been a long time since she'd been in any bar. Her mouth watered and she felt herself clenching her fists. (Get a hold of yourself.)

"Huh" Kaidan looked around. "I see why this place is so popular. It's has quite the, uh, view."

"Hey, Lieutenant? Put your tongue back in your mouth before you trip on it." Ashley scoffed. "A million light years from where humanity began only to find a bar filled with men drooling over half-naked women shaking their asses on stage. I can't decide whether that's funny or sad."

"What? You don't think they're here because of the food?" Kaidan asked.

"Alright, alright. I get it, one of you wants to see the show, the other one wants to save the dancers." Lex sighed. "Come on."

They rounded the bar until they spotted Harkin, thankfully the Captain had thought to send them a picture. Lex approached his table, Kaidan and Ashley close behind.

"Hey there, sweetheart. You looking for some fun? 'Cause I gotta say that solider getup looks real good on that bod of yours." Harkin said, a creepy smirk on his face. (Great, he's one of those drunks) "Why don't you sit your sweet ass down beside old Harkin? Have a drink and we'll see where it goes."

Kaidan had the sudden urge to punch the drunk in front of him. It took all the control he had to stop himself.

Lex looked down at Harkin. "I'd rather drink a cup of acid after chewing on a razor blade."

(Ha! You tell 'em Commander!) Kaidan couldn't help but smile.

"You trying to hurt my feelings? You gotta do better than that. After twenty years with C-Sec, I've been called every name in the book, princess." Harkin replied as he leaned forward on the table, either for effect or because he was trying to hold himself up.

(Ask me to shoot him, Commander, ask me to shoot him.) Kaidan took a deep breath. This was getting harder by the second.

Lex put her hands on the table and leaned towards Harkin. "Call me princess again and you'll be picking your teeth up off the floor." She sneered at him. "Now tell me where I can find Garrus Vakarian."

Harkin raised his arms in surrender and moved back against his chair. "Okay, okay. Just relax. Garrus, you say? Heh, you must be one of Anderson's crew. Poor bastard's still trying to bring Saren down, eh?"

Lex straightened her shoulders and crossed her arms in front of her, making no effort to hide the contempt she felt for the man.

"I know where Garrus is. But you gotta tell me something first. Did the captain let you in on his big secret?" The smirk was back on his face, all earlier threats forgotten in his drunken haze.

"Just tell me what I want to know, Harkin." She was losing what little patience she had. She wanted to hit him, take a shot and get the hell out of the bar. She knew two of those choices were not an option.

"The Captain used to be a Spectre. Didn't know that, did you? It was all very hush-hush. The first human ever given that honor. And then he blew it."

Okay, only one of those choices wasn't an option. It was a good thing her fist were still clenched, she was set to go.

"Screwed up his mission so bad they kicked him out. Of course, he blames Saren. Says the turian set him up."

"Just tell us where Garrus went." She demanded through her clenched jaw. She'd be damned if she was going to discuss Anderson with this asshole.

"Garrus was sniffing around Dr. Michel's office. She runs the med clinic on the other side of the wards. Last I heard, he was going back there."

"I'm outta here." She tuned to her squad. "Let's go, I've had enough of this place."

"Yeah. Good. Go. Let me drink in peace." She heard Harkin mumble as they walked towards the entrance.

"Is that really…wow! It's you!" Some guy exclaimed as he walked up to Lex. "You're Commander Shepard, the hero of Eden Prime! I am so honored to meet you!"

Lex groaned. "Do I know you?"

"Uh, no. No. I'm just a fan. One of your biggest fans, actually." He replied, a big smile on his face. "My name is Conrad Verner. They say you killed more than a hundred geth on Eden Prime!"

(God, I just want to leave, why can't it be that simple.) "Uh, they say a lot of things. I was too busy killing them to count."

"Hey, I know you're probably busy, but do you have time for a quick drink? I'd love to buy you one."

"God, I'd love one!" She replied, as if on auto-pilot. "But, uh, I don't have time for this Conrad. I've got work to do."

Conrad frowned. "Oh, I see how it is. Commander Shepard doesn't have time for the little people." The words flowed from his mouth as if dripping in venom. He stepped to her left and then waved his had in front of her, like he was showing her the door. "Far be it from me to get in your way! You go be a hero." He scowled at her and walked to the other end of the bar.

"Fuck." She cursed, and considered going back up to him.

"Hey Commander, we got time for one drink. That guy looks heartbroken. Bet he'd cheer right back up." Ashley said in encouragement.

Lex felt her shoulders drop and her tightly stretched control began to snap.

Kaidan quickly stepped in, finally realizing the internal battle the Commander was fighting. "Williams, were on duty. The Commander can't stop what she's doing just because some guy can't look past his hero worship and see the bigger picture. Come on, Shepard, we have to find Garrus, that guy will get over it."

Lex straightened her back and nodded at Alenko. "Exactly Lieutenant. Let's get back to work." She'd never been so grateful to someone for saving her ass. She gave him a tight smile, and hoped he realized grateful she was.

Kaidan smiled as he saw the relief wash over Shepard's face. "Yes ma'am, after you." He replied. "Come on, Chief." He was happy he'd been able to help her without giving it away to Ashley. He did feel like kicking himself for not realizing it before. He spent years certain that she'd been kicked out of the Alliance not long after he'd met her. He expected nothing less after talking to the officer that night, and well, seeing her drunk off her ass himself. The only way she could have made it to where she was now was if she had stopped drinking, and apparently it hadn't been easy. Anderson had to know, and that's why he hadn't wanted her to come and talk to Harkin. The Commander was an alcoholic, and standing in the middle of this bar must be hell for her. When she told that Conrad guy that she'd love a drink - that look on her face, that's when it finally dawned on him. And then when Williams practically insisted, well he had to save her from herself.

She watched the Lieutenant as they left Chora's Den. She could practically see him thinking through everything that had just happened. He caught her watching him, and gave her a smile that screamed: I pity you. Her heart dropped, he finally saw it all, he knew without a doubt what she was and he pitied her. Somehow that was worse than the look of disappointed he'd first given her 10 years ago.


	11. Chapter 11 - And the Gold goes to

As they stepped out into the Upper Wards, they were awed by the view of the Citadel through the giant windows. The walked up the center of viewing area and leaned on the railing. They stood there in silence for a while just trying to take it all in.

"Big Place." Kaidan whispered behind her.

Ashley chuckled. "Is that your professional opinion, sir?"

"Yup, pretty much, Chief."

"How can they keep tabs on all of this? The Presidium may as well be on another planet." Lex was taken aback by the size of it. And by the fact that once again, she had never stopped to notice the view before. She was beginning to realize she'd been walking around in some sort of daze for the past few years. Not really caring about anything around her that didn't have to do with her work.

Kaidan nodded. "There is definitely a gap between their presentation and what's here. Tracking arrivals must be a nightmare."

"This makes Jump Zero look like a porta-john." Ashley added. "And it's the largest deep space station the Alliance has."

"Jump Zero was big" Kaidan agreed. (What was that?) Lex wondered why he sounded so sad at the mention of Jump Zero. "But this is a whole 'nother scale. Look at the ward arms. How do they keep all that mass from flying apart?"

Lex shook her head. "No wonder the Council treats us like outsiders. We'd be just another drop in a bucket they already can't carry."

Williams made a face. "They must figure us for one more gang of FNGs looking for a handout." Damn, that girl had no filter, at all. Lex couldn't help but smile.

She noticed Kaidan cringe. "I doubt it's personal. It's got to be a balancing act, like every other government." (Yeah, I'm putting him in charge of any diplomatic issues that come up while we're on the ground, the man has a knack for it, where as I would just piss someone off.)

Suddenly Lex couldn't help but challenge him a bit. "Why not? We've got oceans, beautiful women, and this emotion called love." She caught his eye at the last one and suddenly turned her face to look back out at the view, hoping he wouldn't notice the sudden blush. When she felt she had herself back under control she looked back at him. "According to the old vids, we have everything they want."

Kaidan smiled. "When you put it that way, there's no reason they wouldn't like you." (Oh shit, what? Fix it, fix it!) Kaidan blushed. "I mean, us. Humans. Ma'am" He wanted to jump the railing and throw himself through the window out into space. Anything to avoid ever having to look her in the face again. What the hell was wrong with him?

Ashley gave him a side glance. "You don't take much shore leave, do you LT?"

Lex's stomach was doing those flips again, and she had to use all her will power to keep from letting a stupid smile spread across her face. Apparently, Joker learned his foot-in-mouth skills from his friend over here. (Does he really think I'm beautiful?) She looked at him again, and saw the look of panic in his face. He was worried she'd be pissed? Embarrassed? "All right, laugh it up, Chief. Come on, we have a doctor to visit."

"Yes ma'am." Ashley replied, trying but failing to keep from laughing. "Maybe she has something that will help the LT extract his foot from his mouth."

"Williams."

Ashley stopped laughing and nodded at Lex. "I'll walk drag ma'am."

Lex walked up next to Alenko. "I appreciate the thought, Alenko, but we're on duty here." She struggled not to laugh as she walked away after seeing him cringe. (I'm a mean, mean girl.)

"Um, aye, aye ma'am." Damn it, what was wrong with him. He had to get his shit together. He had spent a major part of his life working on his control. He had mastered it, or so he thought. But Shepard…in just a few days she had managed to completely undo him. If he didn't get himself back under control soon, he'd say or do something there'd be no coming back from. He pushed off the railing and followed Shepard to the clinic. Who knew, maybe they would have something to stop him from being an idiot.

* * *

Lex straightened up and walked towards Garrus. Was there anywhere in this damn ward she could go that didn't have bullets flying all around? Not two steps into the clinic and she'd walked into a hostage situation. And then the damn turian decided to play hero and headshot the man holding the gun to the doctor's head. It was reckless, but he had done it well.

"Perfect timing, Shepard. Gave me a clear shot at that bastard." Garrus said as her and her squad came to stand by him.

"You took him down clean." She replied.

"Sometimes you get lucky."

"Hell of a time to play games of chance, Vakarian." Kaidan injected, his voice stern and disapproving. "What were you thinking? You could have hit the hostage?"

"There wasn't time to think, I just reacted. I didn't mean to…" The realization of the risk he took seem to hit him. "Dr. Michel, are you hurt?"

"No, I'm okay. Thanks to you." She smiled at Garrus, and Lex suddenly felt like they were witnessing something private. The doctor seemed to realize this, and added. "All of you."

"Why were they threatening you?" Lex asked. "Who do they work for?"

Dr. Michel started to twirl her fingers nervously. "They work for Fist."

"The owner of Chora's Den?" Kaidan asked.

The doctor nodded. "Yes. They wanted to shut me up, keep me from telling Garrus about the quarian."

The doctor had her attention. "What quarian?" Lex asked.

* * *

The three of them stepped out of the clinic into the Upper Wards. Garrus closely behind them. So there was someone out there that had something on Saren, something good enough for him to want her dead. They need to find that quarian.

Garrus came up to her. "This is your show, Shepard. But I want to bring Saren down as much as you do. I'm coming with you!"

Lex raised an eyebrow. "You're a turian. Why do you want to bring him down?"

"I couldn't find the proof I needed in my investigation. But I knew what was really going on." Garrus replied. "Saren's a traitor to the Council, and a disgrace to my people!" He was almost shouting.

She looked at him. She believed him, she could see how frustrated he was. "Heck, why not. Welcome aboard, Garrus."

"Shep..." He started to say, and then stopped. He'd been prepared for a battle to get her to agree. He hadn't expected her to just say yes. "Fist is going to be waiting for us. When we hit him, we better hit him hard."

"I agree."

"You know, we aren't the only ones going after Fist. The Shadow Broker hired a Krogan bounty hunter named Wrex to take him out."

Lex thought of that for a moment. The idea of helping out the Broker in any way made her feel sick, but unfortunately it also worked in her favor. "A Krogan might come in handy."

"Last I heard, he was at the C-Sec Academy." Garrus added.

"What's he doing there?" Kaidan asked.

"Heh, Fist accused him of making threats. We brought Wrex in for a little talk. If you hurry we can catch him at the Academy before he leaves."

"Sounds like a plan." She replied, then turned to her marines. "Alenko, Williams, I want you two to head to the financial district and talk to that Barla Von guy, see what information you can get out of him." If she could avoid having to deal with one of the Shadow Broker's agents personally it would be great. The thought of having to go back into Chora's Den again was bad enough.

"Commander, I don't know if that's such a good idea." Kaidan said. He didn't like the idea of leaving her alone with someone they'd just met, especially when there were people trying to kill her on the Citadel. "We've already had one attempt on your life while here, I'd feel better if I...if we, were watching your back."

Lex smiled at him. (Damn it, I'm doing that a lot lately. My face is going to start to hurt.) "I'll be alright, Alenko. Garrus will back me up. We need all the information we can get, and I don't want to send one of you alone. I might be their main focus, but you two were on that planet with me. We'll meet back up outside of Chora's Den in an hour. Move out."

Kaidan sighed. "Aye, aye, ma'am. Let's go chief." He hated to leave her, but she was his Commander and he couldn't disobey her orders. And who was he kidding, she was Commander Shepard, he'd be an idiot to think she'd let him try to protect her. Of course, it certainly seemed like he was going for some sort of medal in the idiot games today, so it didn't surprise him he'd tried to go for the gold.


	12. Chap 12 - The tank, the Fist, & the walk

Kaidan mumbled a curse as they stepped out of Barla Von's office and into the artificial sunlight of the Presidium.

"You alright, LT?"

"Too many lights, too much noise." He answered between clenched teeth. His head was killing him. It had started as soon as they had left the Commander. Brought on by a combination of stress, hunger, and exhaustion. He couldn't even remember the last time he ate or slept. And worrying about Shepard didn't help.

"God, that Barla thing creeped me out."

"He's a volus, Chief, not a thing." Kaidan stated.

"Yeah, that." She continued, completely unfazed by his correcting her. "That breathing kept on reminding me of a bad guy from a classic vid I'd seen as a kid. Creepy."

Kaidan shifted uncomfortably. Did she have any clue what she sounded like? "Let's get out of here, we've wasted enough time."

"I know right?" She agreed. "We came all this way just to find out what we already knew. And to think, we could have come here first and avoided having to bring the turian and a krogan along."

Kaidan couldn't take it anymore. "Enough Williams!" He ordered. "I don't know what sort of problem you have with aliens, but you will keep those types of comments to yourself from here on out. Especially in front of the Commander. I don't know if you've noticed, but she doesn't much appreciate them either. And it'd be in your best interest to avoid pissing her off."

Ashley looked at him sheepishly, surprised by his sudden anger. "Yes, sir."

Kaidan sighed. She sounded like a little girl who'd just got in trouble with her parents. "I'm sorry, Ash. I'm just a bit on edge. My head is pounding and I'm worri…" He let the words trail off.

"I get it LT. I'm sorry, my mouth doesn't always check with my brain when I talk."

Kaidan nodded. "Let's go."

* * *

Lex was annoyed. She'd run into Jahleed at C-Sec while there to meet Wrex, and had just finished confronting Chorban. Seriously, those two were not cut out for breaking the rules. They'd gotten so paranoid, each one thought the other was out to get them. She didn't have time to be playing referee for those two, but she had a feeling that keeper information would be interesting. "If I have time, I'll talk to Jahleed, but seriously, you two need to get your shit together."

"Thank you, Commander." Chorban said as he turned to walk away.

Lex sighed. She knew she had been rougher than necessary with him. She was on edge about everything at the moment. "Come on, let's head to Chora's, Alenko and Williams should be there already." She'd spent the last hour worried about them and for what? Information they already had according to the message they sent her. She couldn't wait to get all this over with. She was exhausted and …starving. (Damn, when was the last time I ate?)

They headed through the door behind them and made their way to Chora's Den. She felt a wave of relief as she spotted her marines by the entrance.

"Looks like its shut down, Commander." Kaidan said as he waved them over. He reached over and handed her something. "Here Commander, I figured you could use this."

Lex looked down at the energy bar in her hand. (You are the most amazing man in the galaxy, Lt. Sexy!) "I could kiss you, Alenko. Thanks!"

Kaidan blushed. "Ah, you're welcome, ma'am."

"Fist knows we're coming, Shepard." Wrex stated. "Let's get this over with."

Kaidan looked over at the krogan standing next to Shepard. He was huge and she looked so small next to him. Well, you had to hand it to her, she knew how to put an interesting group together. He was curious to see how this went with their own personal tank.

The door opened as they approached and they heard someone yell. "Take cover!"

Lex stood by the door. She pointed to Kaidan and Wrex. "The three of us will head in, and let our biotics loose, Garrus and Williams, cover us."

Kaidan nodded, and ducked into the bar, taking cover behind the half wall just beyond the door. Wrex stormed in, his barrier activating, and ran straight at the two thugs on the right. (Okay, so that's one way to do it.) Shepard spotted the thug on top of the bar and threw him off. They had all the guards down within a matter of minutes and headed towards the back room. Shepard took down the two guards by the backdoor without pausing. Hitting them with a couple of throws and a headshot each.

Lex opened the door.

On the other side were two men, one yelled. "Stop right there, don't come any closer." A pistol in his shaking hand. (You've got to be kidding me?)

"Huh," Garrus walked up next to her. "Warehouse workers. All the real guards must be dead."

"Stay...back…or, or we'll shoot!" The second ball of nerves said to her.

"Really?" She scoffed. "I just killed fifty bodyguards to get in here. What do you think I'll do to you?"

"Uh…well…uh..." The second man mumbled.

The first man threw his hands up in the air. "Ah screw Fist, he doesn't pay us enough for this." They edged themselves around Shepard and the others and ran out of the room.

"I would've never thought of that" commented Garrus.

Wrex grumbled. "It would have been quicker to just kill them."

Kaidan shook his head at the big krogan. "Shooting people isn't always the answer."

"Hrmph, always works for me." Wrex replied.

"Come on." Lex urged them.

They entered Fist's office, Lex motioned Wrex and Garrus to the opposite wall.

"Why do I have to do everything myself?" They heard Fist ask. "Time to die, little soldiers."

"Who's he calling little? Must be talking about you, four." Commented Wrex.

"Shit, turrets" Lex yelled. "Alenko, overcharge!" They both popped out of cover and hit the turrets with an overcharge each, then all five of them fired until both turrets were down. They ran into the room.

"Wait, don't kill me, I surrender." Fist pleaded.

Lex raised her pistol and aimed it at Fist. "Tell me where the quarian is and I won't have to shoot you in the knee caps."

Fist recoiled, as if trying to sink into the floor. "I don't know where she is, that's the truth!"

Kaidan moved closer. "He's lying."

Wrex took a couple of steps towards Fist and Lex. "He's no use to you now, let me kill him."

"Wait. Wait. I don't know where she is, but I know where you can find her." Fist yelled.

"That doesn't make any sense." Kaidan replied.

"The quarian isn't here, said she'd only deal with the Shadow Broker himself."

"Face to face? Impossible!" Lex shot back at him.

"Even I was hired through an agent." Wrex said in agreement.

Lex nodded. "Nobody meets the Shadow Broker. Ever." Kaidan threw a curious glance over at her. (How does she know so much about the Shadow Broker?)

"Even I don't know his true identity. But she didn't know that. I told her I'd set up a meeting." Fist was standing up now. Confident he was telling them what they wanted to know, and he'd soon be able to leave. "But when she shows up, Saren's men will be waiting for her."

Lex lost it, shoving her gun in Fist's face. "Tell me where that meeting is, you son of a bitch, before I blow your fucking head off!"

"Here on the wards, the back alley by the markets. She's supposed to meet them right now. You can make it if you hurry."

Suddenly Wrex raised his shotgun and fired. Fist was dead in an instant.

"What are you doing?" Garrus shouted at him.

"The Shadow Broker paid me to kill him. I don't leave jobs half done." Wrex replied.

"A lot of people died because of him, I won't say he didn't have it coming." Lex said, and then turned to face Wrex. "But we don't shoot unarmed prisoners, you pull something like that again and you'll have to deal with me."

Wrex shrugged. "He brought this on himself. Besides, we have more pressing concerns."

Kaidan could tell that Shepard was furious. "Commander, that quarian is dead if we don't go now."

She sighed and looked at him. "You're right, let's go."

* * *

Lex leaned on the balcony railing in Udina's office. She was exhausted.

Anderson stood next to her. "How you holding up, Shepard?" She didn't bother looking up at him, she knew he'd have a look of concern on his face, she could hear it in his voice.

"I'm okay, Anderson, just tired." She sighed. "I just want to get this over with. I want the Council to kick Saren out of the Spectres so that I can kick his ass. And then I want to take a vacation."

"You? On shore leave?" Anderson was shocked. He'd been trying to get her to take a real shore leave for years.

"I go on shore leave all the time, Anderson. You always make me." She mumbled.

"Yes, and you always end up inserting yourself into some spec ops mission or another."

She looked up at him, a bit surprised. "You knew?"

"If I didn't know before hand, I always found out afterwards." He sighed. "Figured there wasn't much I could do to stop you. Now if you're serious about taking some real time off, well then I'll gladly pay for the trip, but why the sudden change?"

She glanced quickly at the Lieutenant, who was talking to Tali about omni-tools, and then back out to the Presidium. "Who says I've changed. I'm just tired Anderson."

"Hmmm." Anderson had noticed how she'd looked over at Alenko. In fact, now that he thought about it, he'd seen several quick glances between the two of them. Each when one of them thought the other, or anyone else, wasn't looking. Heck, he'd seen her smiling on more than one occasion when Alenko was around. He was suddenly very worried and very happy for her. For years he'd been hoping for something that would pull her back into the world of the living, but if Alenko was that something then it could be a very rocky road ahead of them. A relationship between the two of them could put their careers at risk, especially Shepard's. And if things didn't work out…well he couldn't imagine there'd be any pieces left to pick up after that. She'd spent the last four years in a fragile limbo, one more heartbreak could be the end of her.

"Shepard, I'm heading out. I have a few things to take care of before I join you on your ship. Let me know when the Council has made up its mind and when we're heading out."

She looked as the krogan headed for the door. "Alright Wrex, see ya."

Garrus got up from the table he'd been sitting at. "I'm going too, I need to let C-Sec know I'm leaving and get some stuff together. I'll meet you at your ship tomorrow, Commander."

"Later Garrus."

She looked over at the quarian talking with the Lieutenant. "Tali, you've got somewhere to stay tonight?"

Tali looked down, as she nervously played with her fingers. "Well there is this shelter in the wards."

"No, not going to happen." Lex shook her head. "Williams, I want you to go with Tali to collect her things, and then escort her to the Normandy. Tali, you'll spend the night on board."

"Thank you, Shepard." Tali replied, a bit of awe in her voice.

Lex noticed Alenko smiling at her, and she shrugged. "I think I'm going to try and get some sleep before the Council meets. You'll call me when they're ready?" She asked Anderson.

"Yes, of course. I'll see you tomorrow, Commander."

"Ready, Alenko?" She asked as she headed to the door. "I don't know about you, but I'm ready to collapse."

"Same here, ma'am." He replied as he followed her out. In fact, Kaidan didn't know how he was still standing. His head was pounding, his body was worn out, and he was starving. He followed Shepard out of the embassies, but was surprised when she didn't head towards the cabs or the elevators. "Ma'am?"

She turned around and raised an eyebrow at him. "Yes, Alenko?"

"Well, just wondering where you're going, Commander? I thought we were heading back to the Normandy."

"Alenko, if I don't eat something soon, you might not survive the trip back to the ship. You have no idea how I get when I'm this exhausted and hungry." She answered. He was pretty sure she was joking, but her face was dead serious. "I'm going to get something to eat at the lounge, you can join me or you can head back to the ship." With that she turned around and continued walking towards the Embassy Lounge.

He was about to ask why they just didn't get something to eat on the Normandy, but mentally kicked himself to be quiet. (I am not about to pass up a chance to sit with her alone.) Plus, the thought of real food was a lot more appealing than whatever they could manage to scrounge up on the Normandy at this time of night. He smiled and followed her.

Lex headed straight to a table by the balcony and sat in the chair by the wall. She picked up the menu pad and quickly placed an order for a steak and fries, a burger, and a salad. She looked up and watched as Alenko stared at the menu, trying to decide what to eat. She watched his brows furrow together as he concentrated. He had a five o'clock shadow, and she thought it looked good on him. She fought the urge to run her hands across his cheeks. Wondered what that stubble would feel like against her skin. She noticed the laugh lines around his eyes and wondered what made him smile, what made him happy. As he finished putting in his order and started to look up, Lex turned her head and looked out over the Presidium.

Kaidan could feel her looking at him and it made it damn hard to concentrate on the menu. What was she looking for? Normally he'd assume she was curious about his biotics, or trying to see if he could read her mind, but since she was a biotic as well, he didn't have to worry about that. He had to admit he liked being around someone who didn't have a hundred and one questions about biotics. He'd already fielded quite a few from Ash. He finally managed order something, although he couldn't remember what, and looked up just in time to see her face turn towards the view outside. He smiled. Sitting in front of him was his wild haired soldier, minus the wild hair.

"Commander?"

"Hmmm." She replied, her eyes still looking out over the balcony.

"Did you ever figure out who grabbed your ass?" He asked.

Lex's mouth dropped as she looked over at him. She saw the devilish grin on his face and laughed. "Heh, I was beginning to think you didn't realize it was me." She blushed.

"I didn't, at first." His smile widened a bit. "But then, when you smiled at me in the mess the other day…in the instant I was standing in that bar 10 years ago."

"Oh." She looked down.

"Yeah, you probably don't remember, but I made a fool of myself that night. I saw you smile and wave, and I thought it was directed at me. Turns out you were looking at the bartender."

"Ha. Jack! That man could mix a drink like nobody's business." She was looking up at him again, smiling. "You're right though, I don't remember you from that night. I'm sorry. Lots of things from back then are pretty hazy. But I do remember you from the next morning! I wanted to crawl into a hole and die when you showed up."

"Yeah, I remember you looking pretty miserable."

"Ugh, don't remind me. Did I even apologize to you? If not, let me tell you now, I am so sorry." She looked into his eyes, those amazing brown eyes and hoped he believed her.

"Don't worry about it, Commander. I'm not one to hold a ten year old grudge. I forgave you the moment I saw you in that cell."

She blushed. God, she was doing that a lot lately. "Thanks, and thanks for not letting the brass know. You really saved my ass with that. I would have been kicked out."

"I couldn't do it. To be honest though, I spent these years sure that you weren't in the Alliance anymore. I'm glad to see I was wrong." He confessed. "I'm glad you got yourself sorted out."

She shifted uncomfortably in her seat. "Uh, yeah, can't be young and stupid forever, eh?" She looked up at him then, and smiled. "Hold up, you were thinking about me these past ten years?"

Kaidan rubbed the back of his neck, and it was his turn to blush. "Yeah, well, you made quite the impression Shepard. I have the scars to prove it."

Lex grimaced. "Scars? I'm so sorry!"

"Oh don't worry, the ladies love them, and I made a great story for them that doesn't involve a girl half my size throwing me across the bar."

"I'd love to hear it one day." She laughed.

Their food arrived and they ate in a comfortable silence. When they finished they started their walk back to the Normandy, both silently choosing the long walk there instead of taking a cab.

"Alenko?"

"Yes, Commander?"

"Thank you for today." She said quietly. He looked at her questionably. "At Chora's Den."

"Oh. Don't mention it, Commander. Just doing my duty."

Lex stopped and looked at him. "No, you were doing more than that. You were saving my ass again, like you did the first time we met. I didn't deserve it then, and I don't deserve it now, but you did it anyways. And I appreciate it. I'm just sorry I'm not the Commander Shepard you were expecting."

Kaidan looked at her. She looked so apologetic, so disappointed in herself. "No, you're not." He replied. She sighed, her frown deepening. She took a step forward and Kaidan caught her arm with his hand. "You're so much better."

Lex couldn't believe her ears, but there he was standing in front of her, saying she was better than what he'd expected! And she could swear she felt the heat of his hand through her armor.

"Shepard, I'd heard all the stories and rumors everybody else has. I was ready to come face to face with the Butcher of Torfan, but instead it was you. And you're nothing like those stories."

She frowned. "I'm exactly like those stories, Lieutenant. I am the Butcher of Torfan. I did everything they say I did, and I've done a lot more since then. Don't try to make me out to be something I'm not just because you haven't seen that side of me yet. You'll be sorely disappointed. Again." She pulled her arm from his grasp and continued walking. Who was she trying to kid. Of course he was okay with her now, he hadn't spent more than a couple of days with her in total. He hadn't seen the worst of her yet. He thought the things they said about her were rumors, but she knew better. When he finally saw her for what she was, he wouldn't want to be anywhere near her.

(Damn it, why did I have to bring up Torfan?) "Commander, I'm so…"

"Forget it, Lieutenant. I'm tired and I just want to get back to the Normandy." She entered the elevator to the docking bay, pressing the button as soon as he'd joined her.

They rode the elevator in silence. Kaidan cursing himself for always saying the wrong thing. While Lex cursed herself for forgetting for even a short while, that she wasn't meant to be happy, she didn't deserve it. Finally the elevator stopped and they stepped out.

"Thank you for having dinner with me, Lieutenant. I'll see you tomorrow." With that she turned and entered the ship, leaving Kaidan outside.

"Damn it, Alenko, you're a fucking moron." He muttered to himself.

"Don't be so hard on yourself, son." Kaidan jumped as Anderson stepped out of the shadows.

"Captain, I didn't realize you were there. I was just…"

"Calm down, Alenko. I know a man who's been left feeling like he can't say anything right to Shepard when I see one." Anderson quipped.

"Captain Anderson, I can assure you, I didn't say anything inappropriate to the Commander."

"No, I'm sure you didn't. You probably did something worse." Kaidan started to protest, but Anderson waved him off. "I'm sure you did the worst thing possible, you complimented her."

Kaidan's stood there, shocked. "Uh, actually, I think I did. I told her she was a better XO than I'd expected from the stories and such."

"That would do it."

"And I…I mentioned Torfan."

"Oh, yes, that would definitely do it." Anderson sighed. "Lieutenant, Commander Shepard is one of the best soldiers I have ever had the honor to know. I've watched her grow from a wild but determined and talented young girl to the woman she is today. And while I wouldn't hesitate to put my life, or the lives of those under me, in her hands, I have to admit that she's not okay. She hasn't been for a long time."

"What happened to her, sir? What made her go from a wild haired girl, to this hardened…lost person that she is now? Was it Torfan?" Kaidan wanted to know. He needed to know if he was going to help her. Because he had to help her.

(Wild haired? Did Alenko and Shepard have a history, was that why she was reacting to him as she was?) "No, although Torfan was her breaking point, Shepard was headed down this path long before then." Anderson looked at Kaidan. "I won't tell you her story, Alenko. It's not my place to do so. But I will ask that you don't give up on her. She's going to need good people around her now, more than ever. And I think that you, and this crew, will mean the difference between her making it out of this Saren mess okay or not at all."

"Uh, of course, sir." Kaidan replied. "I'll be there for her no matter what, we all will."

Anderson put his hand on Kaidan's shoulder. "Thank you, son. I have no doubt you will."


	13. Chapter 13 - A History Lesson

Lex made her way to the officer's deck. Grateful that as an officer she merited a bunk instead of having to use a sleeper pod. She'd rather sleep on the floor than get anywhere near one of those. As she approached her cabin, Dr. Chakwas was walking out of hers.

"Good evening, Commander. You look like hell."

"Gee thanks, doc. You say the nicest things." She quipped.

"Seriously, Shepard. You should take of yourself, you are still recovering from whatever that beacon did to you."

"I thought you said I was fine? Lex asked.

"Physically yes, I see no ill effects, but we're still not sure how it affected your brain, and I would rather you did not run yourself to exhaustion."

"I promise I'll take that under consideration, doc." She sighed.

"Shepard." Chakwas crossed her arms and gave Lex what she would imagine was a motherly stare.

"Okay, okay, I'll try." She said, her hands up in surrender. "What are you doing up?"

"Lieutenant Alenko requested some medication, I'm just going to meet him in the medbay."

Lex frowned. "Is he okay? I just saw him, he looked fine. I mean, exhausted, but that's all. Is he sick?" She started to become anxious. Damn, why had she lost her temper with him?

"No need to worry Commander, he's just coping with a migraine." Chakwas reassured her.

"Oh." She felt herself let out a breath she hadn't realized she was holding. "How well do you know the Lieutenant?"

"I'd never worked with him before this mission." Chakwas replied. "But he has an impressive service record. Over a dozen special commendations. Tends to keep to himself, though. Maybe because of the headaches. It's not easy being an L2."

"An L2? I had no idea." Lex was shocked. She'd heard the horror stories about people who had been implanted with the L2. Alenko seemed fine.

"Kaidan's lucky. He just gets migraines." Chakwas replied, noting the worried look on the Commander's face. This was the second time she'd seen her act out of character, both times involving Lieutenant Alenko. She thought that was very interesting. Chakwas had only worked with Shepard a handful of times, but she had been confident she knew who the Commander was. It took her a while to notice the redeeming qualities the young woman had, but they were there. She could be harsh and ruthless, but never without reason. And almost always to protect those serving under her. But this, this was new. She'd never seen Shepard take interest in one particular individual.

Lex nodded. "Thanks doc. I should go, before I pass out and give you more work."

"Goodnight, Shepard."

"You too, doc."

Lex headed into her cabin. As she finally settled into her bed, all she could think about was Lieutenant Kaidan "Sexy" Alenko.

* * *

Four hours later Lex was up and wandering around the ship. She'd tossed and turned for most of the time she'd been in bed. She figured she'd only gotten about 2 hours of sleep. Her mind felt like it was going at light speed. Jumping from one train of thought to the other. The geth, Saren, the images from that damn beacon. Losing Jenkins and Nihlus. All these things kept fighting for time at the forefront of her thoughts, but the one that kept on winning was Kaidan. No matter what she tried, she couldn't stop thinking about him. And she was pissed. There was too much shit going on right now for her to be focusing on a man she didn't deserve, and couldn't even have if she wanted to. The worst part was the feeling that this thing between them, whatever it was, was mutual. It was probably nothing more than his curiosity of what it would be like to have the one and only Commander Shepard. God knows she'd dealt with several of those types before, but she'd never felt anything for them. Sure, she'd fucked a few of them, but never more than once. She didn't' think she could do that with Kaidan.

She entered the galley and started to make herself some coffee. It wouldn't wake her up, but she could use a nice hot drink. (What I want is a nice stiff drink!) Lex heard a noise behind her and turned around just as Tali was entering the mess hall.

"Hey Tali, can't sleep either?"

"Hello Shepard." Tali replied. "If I'm honest, the ship is just too quiet for me. I was excited when you offered to let me spend the night here, because I was looking forward to sleeping on a ship again. The noise of the engines to lull me to sleep. But everything is so quiet. I'm beginning to think there is no engine."

"Oh, there's an engine." Lex chuckled. Then she had an idea. "Do you want to see it?"

Tali perked up. "Really? I'd love to Shepard!"

"Well, come on then." Lex said and as she grabbed her cup of coffee and lead Tali to the elevator. "So Tali, you're into ships?

She nodded. "It comes with being a quarian. The migrant fleet is the key to the survival of my people. Ships are our most valuable resource. But we don't have anything like this! We make do with cast offs and second hand equipment. We just try to keep them running for as long as we can. Some of our ships date all the way back to our original flight from the geth."

Lex was surprised. "Wow, I can't believe you are using ships that are almost three centuries old."

"They are constantly being repaired, modified, and refitted. They aren't pretty, but they work. Mostly."

They stepped out of the elevator and into the cargo bay. Lex stepped out and stopped. "What can you tell me about the geth? I'd like to learn more about them."

Tali sighed. "I doubt I could tell you anything you don't already know. It's been almost three centuries since they drove my people into exile. All I know is the story of their origins. What they were when we created them, and how they turned on us."

"Interesting, tell me more. If you don't mind." Lex leaned back against the nearest wall. Essentially signaling to Tali that she expected her to tell her what she wanted to know, the 'if you don't mind' part had been nothing more than a courtesy.

"The geth were originally created to serve as an automated manual labor force. Initially their intelligence was as limited as any VI. Over time we made small modifications to their programming to allow them to perform more varied and complex tasks. Bringing them closer and closer to true AI status."

"You had to know it would blow up in your face." Lex said, finding it hard to believe otherwise.

Tali shook her head. "The changes were so insignificant, so gradual, that we were able to control them. Or so we thought. But one thing we underestimated was the power of the neural network. A million geth thinking simultaneously created an inherently unstable matrix. Once we built more and more geth, their effective intelligence became more sophisticated, more abstract. One day, a geth began to ask its quarian overseer questions about the nature of its existence. Am I alive? Why and I here? What is my purpose? As you can imagine this caused a near panic among my people."

Lex shrugged, "I don't see what's so bad about those questions."

"The geth were created to engage in mundane, repetitive, or dangerous manual labor. That's fine for machines, but it won't satisfy a sentient being for long. The geth were showing signs of rudimentary self-awareness and independent thought. If the geth were intelligent, then we were essentially using them as slaves."

"So rather than become slave owners your people decided to murder them?" Lex threw her hands up in the air. "Makes perfect sense!" She said sarcastically.

Tali made a frustrated gesture. "It was inevitable the newly-sentient geth would rebel against their situation. We knew they would rise up against us. So we acted first. A general order went out across all quarian controlled systems to permanently deactivate all geth. The geth responded to this order violently."

Lex shook her head. "You didn't really think they'd just let you destroy them without a fight, did you? That's just crazy."

"The hope was that most of the geth would still be little more than machines, incapable of organized resistance. But they had progressed much further than anyone anticipated." Tali lowered her head. Shepard could hear the sadness in her voice. "The war was long and bloody. Millions upon millions of quarians died at their hands. In the end we were forced to flee our own home world."

"I'm sorry Tali, but it sounds like you got what you deserved. You tried to wipe them out, you started the war. They were only trying to defend themselves."

"We made a mistake when we created the geth in the first place. But we did not make a mistake when we went to war against them." Tali insisted. "If we had not acted, they would have wiped us out!"

"You have no way of knowing that, Tali." Lex interrupted. "Your people never gave them a chance!"

"They're a synthetic life-form, Shepard. They have no use for organics. None! Why do you think they cut themselves off from the rest of the galaxy? Why do you think they've killed every organic who's even tried to contact them?"

"Well hell, you didn't give them a real good first impression!" Lex pushed off the wall and headed towards engineering. "Look Tali, I get why you think the way you do. You've been raised with stories of the good old days, of the terrible machines that took your home from you. All I ask is that you try to see it from their perspective. Their creators, their caretakers essentially, saw them outgrowing them and turned against them."

"Shepard, we did the right thing." Tali insisted.

Lex sighed. She knew there was no way she was going to get Tali to see past years of being programmed to hate the geth. "Let's agree to disagree for now, and move on." She said as she stepped into engineering and pointed up to the core. "Let's talk engines!"


	14. Chapter 14 - The Bear and the Dog

Lex left Tali in engineering discussing everything Normandy with Adams. She had a hard time reconciling Tali the sweet kid, with Tali the anti-geth quarian, but she guessed she had her own bias on the subject. As she reached the elevator the door opened and Ashley stepped out.

"Morning Commander." Ashley cheerfully greeted her.

"Hey Chief. Get some rest?"

"Yes ma'am, how about you?" Ashley asked, noticing the dark circles under her commander's eyes.

"Eh, I'll rest when I'm dead." Lex replied. "So how are you liking life on the Normandy so far?"

"Haven't spent must time on it ma'am." Ashley replied.

"True enough."

"But I'm glad I'm here, where I have a chance to make Saren pay for Eden Prime." Ashley added.

Lex nodded. She knew what it was like to want to make someone pay for the pain they'd caused. She'd wanted the same of the batarians on Torfan. "Don't let Eden Prime become your main focus Chief."

"I know the mission Commander, we need to stop Saren from bringing the reapers here."

Lex shook her head. "That's not what I meant, Williams. Look, if you ever need to talk, about Eden Prime…about anything, my door is always open." (What the hell am I doing? How can my messed up ass help her any?) Lex knew that look in Ashley's eyes, knew what it meant more than most, and although the Chief was leaps and bounds more together than she'd been when Marks had died, she still worried. She at least knew what to look for in order to steer Ashley away from the worst of it. Now she just had to hope that Ashley was okay with the do as I say and not as I do method of teaching Lex would undoubtedly have.

"Well, actually, I was hoping to get a minute of your time. Off the record."

"Is this duty related, Chief?"

"No ma'am. I know things are different aboard the Normandy. I mean, that helmsman of yours. Most places, he'd be at the captain's mast every day."

Lex shrugged. "The Captain runs a tight ship, but he's reasonable. And trust me, Joker tries his best not to be himself within ear shot of him. He's just very good at putting his foot in his mouth." Lex smiled. "Actually, I'm beginning to think it's a gift some of them men on the Normandy excel at."

"I think the LT is winning!" Ashley quipped. "I mean, that whole thing on the wards, that was priceless."

"Chief." Lex warned. More out of fear of where the conversation could lead than anything else.

"Uh, yeah, anyways Commander. I'm concerned about the aliens. Vakarian, Wrex, and Tali. With all due respect, Commander, should they really be invited on the Normandy. I mean, Jacobs from engineering just told me the quarian was in there when her shift ended. Talking to Adams about the drive core." The look of shock on Ashley's face would have been funny, if it didn't piss Shepard off so much. Great, the anti-alien is worried about the anti-geth. If only Ashley knew how much they had in common.

Lex calmed herself before speaking. "I know, I was there."

"Oh, well, I'm just worried, should they have full access to the ship?"

(Okay, deep breath.) "You don't trust their motives because they're not human." It wasn't a question. "They may not serve the Alliance, Chief, but they're allies. At least as far as Saren goes."

Ashley nodded. "This is the most advanced ship in the Alliance Navy. I don't think we should give them free reign to poke around the vital systems. Engines, sensors, weapons."

"You don't trust the Alliance's allies?" Lex questioned.

Ashley's face scrunched up, as if she'd tasted something sour. "I'm not sure I'd call the Council races, allies. We, humanity, have to learn to rely on ourselves."

Lex sighed. "Standing up for ourselves doesn't mean standing alone."

"Well, I don't think we should turn down allies, I just don't think we should bet everything on them staying allies." The Chief argued. "As noble as the Council members seem now, if their backs are against the wall, they'll abandon us."

"You've got a skewed view of the universe, Williams. I had no idea you were such a…pessimist." Lex had wanted to say racist, but she was trying extra had to keep her cool.

"A pessimist is what an optimist calls a realist." Ashley quipped. "Look, if you're fighting a bear and the only way for you to survive is to sic you dog on it and run, you'll do it. As much as you love your dog, it isn't human. It's not racism. Not really. Members of their species will always be more important to them than humans are."

Lex finally reached her limit. "Look, this is an Alliance warship, not the parliament floor. If you're Earth first, vote for the Terra Firma party."

Ashley looked offended. "Terra Firma is a bunch of jackals. The founders had ideals. These days they just play of xenophobia and bigotry. I hope my reasons are more rational."

"You can look for all the justifications you want, Williams, still sounds like xenophobia and bigotry to me. And neither Anderson, nor I, will put up with it on the Normandy."

"Commander, my father, grandfather, and great-grandmother, they all picked up a rifle and swore the Oath of Service. I guess we just tend to think of Earth's interests as our own." Ashley replied.

"It doesn't sound like you've worked with aliens before." Lex queried.

"No, ma'am. Mainly I've been groundside. Part of the surface garrison forces." Ashley answered. "I did get a rotation on a space station for training. You know 'Every marine, a rifleman; every rifleman, zee-gee certified.'"

"That's odd. Your record is spotless and your technical scores are exemplary. You should be serving with the fleet."

"Anyway, that's why I haven't served with any aliens, Commander." Ashley quickly replied. (Hmmm, something's up there. I've gotta remember to have Kai..Alenko, look more closely at her service record.)

Lex was curious. "I never knew my family, grew up an orphan on Earth. Anybody in your family I'd have heard of?"

"Couldn't say, Commander." Ashley said. It didn't escape Lex's notice that the Chief wouldn't look her in the eyes when she replied. "So why are you out here? Just trying to get away from Earth?"

(Oh, my turn to deflect, yay…) "Mainly I wanted to serve. Protect the Alliance, save lives. You know. Plus, the future of humanity is out here. There's so much we haven't seen yet!" The conversation then turned to their training and they discovered they'd had the same drill instructor, and spent a while trading stories. When Lex left Williams, she had two new goals: get her to not see aliens as 'others' and find out why she was still a Gunnery Chief when she was obviously over qualified. She told herself that this kind of stuff now fell under her role as the XO of the Normandy, but she knew what big sister instincts were when she felt them, and they scared the shit out of her.

* * *

Lex was up on the flight deck listening to Joker go on and on about the Normandy and his piloting skills. She made a mental note to avoid the subject in the future. She almost jumped for joy when Anderson finally contacted her to let her know the Council was ready for them.

She opened a comm link to engineering. "Tali, the Council is ready for us."

"On my way, Shepard." Tali replied.

She started to head out, but stopped herself after a couple of steps. She sighed and turned to Joker. "Joker, have Alenko and Williams meet us at the Citadel Tower A.S.A.P."

"Aye, aye, Commander."

As much as she'd like to avoid seeing Kaidan (When did he become Kaidan? It's Alenko.) She knew they both deserved to see this though to the end. She didn't have a right to deny them that.


	15. Chapter 15 - Sure

"Commander Shepard, step forward." The asari Councilor instructed. Lex looked over at Anderson, who nodded to her. This was it. The Council had finally seen the light in regards to Saren, but they wouldn't act beyond disbarring him from the Spectres. They didn't want to get their hands dirty, so they were finally going to allow a human to join the Spectres. Lex just wished it could have been someone else. She wanted to go after Saren. She was sure she could bring him down, that wasn't the problem. It was the power she would wield. Saren was proof positive how dangerous that much power could be in the hands of one person, and how difficult it could be to bring a rogue Spectre down. It had basically come down to a lucky break. She'd already caused more pain and destruction than she could bear without being a Spectre. (What if I lose it again?)

The asari Councilor continued. "It is the decision of the Council that you be granted all the powers and privileges of the Special Tactics and Reconnaissance branch of the Citadel."

The salarian Councilor picked up where she left off. "Spectres are not trained, but chosen. Individuals forged in the fire of service and battle, those whose actions elevate them above the rank and file."

"Spectres are an ideal, a symbol. The embodiment of courage, determination, and self-reliance. They are the right hand of the Council, instruments of our will." The asari Councilor continued.

Now it was the turian's turn. Lex was beginning to get the idea he just didn't like to talk. "Spectres bear a great burden. They are the protectors of galactic peace, both our first and last line of defense. The safety of the galaxy is theirs to uphold." (Sure, no pressure.)

"You are the first human Spectre, Commander. This is a great accomplishment for you and your entire species." The asari added.

"I'm honored Councilor." Lex replied. (Ohh look, I can be diplomatic! It's more like I'm scared shitless Councilor, take it back!)

"We're sending you into the Traverse after Saren. He's a fugitive from justice, so you are authorized to use any means necessary to apprehend or eliminate him." The salarian Councilor added.

"I'll find him."

"This meeting of the Council is now adjourned." With that the Council left.

Anderson walked up and shook Lex's hand. "Congratulations Commander." He said, a proud smile on his face. Somehow, that just made her feel worse.

"We've got a lot of work to do, Shepard. You're going to need a ship, a crew, supplies…" Udina started rattling off a list. (Oh, good ole, Udina. No fear of you putting too much stock in me, you could care less who was made Spectre as long as their human.)

"You'll get access to special equipment and training now. You should go down to the C-Sec Academy and speak to the Spectre requisitions officer." Anderson suggested.

"Anderson, come with me. I'll need your help to set all this up." Udina demanded. Shepard glared at him, and gave Anderson a pleading look. (Can't I hit him, just once?)

As they left, Lex turned and walked up to her marines.

"Not even a thank you from the Ambassador." Ashley pointed out.

Lex shrugged. "What do you expect from a politician? Come on."

"Right behind you, Commander." Ashley replied.

"Aye, aye, ma'am. And Congratulations." Kaidan added.

"Let's hold the congratulations until we see if I can actually pull this shit off, Lieutenant." Lex replied and headed out of the tower. (Ugh, that wasn't nice.) Lex fought the urge to apologize to Kaidan. (Let him get use to what it's really like to work with Commander Shepard.) She hoped that would be enough to end whatever it was that was starting up between them before it blew up in her face.

* * *

They had headed back to the Embassies when Lex was approached by a man by the name of Samesh Bhatia. Apparently his wife had served with Williams on Eden Prime. When he'd requested that her body be returned to him, the Alliance had denied the request. The man was a wreck. Mr. Bhatia told Lex that the man in charge of his wife's case was in the lounge, and asked if she could talk to him. Lex agreed, partly because of Ashley and partly because she just didn't think it was right what they were doing to the poor man.

"Thank you for your time. I just want to give my wife a proper funeral and the respect she deserves."

Lex headed straight for the lounge. By the time she arrived, she had worked up a healthy amount of anger about the situation. To deny a widower the right to say good-bye, well that just didn't seem right. She hadn't been able to say good-bye to Marks. She didn't find out about what had happened till she got back from Rio, and that was a good two months after the funeral. It made it difficult to come to grips with Marks being gone. She spent months expecting to see her walk into their room. She hadn't had any closure.

She spotted the clerk instantly, luckily someone had pointed him out on a previous trip to the Citadel. As she walked up to him, he straightened up. "My goodness, you're Commander Shepard!" He gushed. "Your activities made for quite a briefing in the Diplomatic Corps! Is there something I can do to assist you?"

"You can cut the red tape for a grieving husband. I want you to release the body of Nirali Bhatia." She responded, getting straight to the point.

Clerk Bosker frowned. "Commander, nothing would make me happier. I'm afraid, though, that it's not quite that simple."

"Well then, make it simple, Bosker." She replied.

"Commander, Serviceman Nirali Bhatia died on Eden Prime, as Mr. Bhatia no doubt told you. Her wounds are inconsistent with any type of weapon damage we've seen before. That is why her body is being held."

Lex clenched her fists. "I could give a flying fuck how badly the geth mangled the body. It's the husband's right to claim her!"

At that, Bosker grew defensive. "We are not holding Nirali Bhatia's body out of discretion. We are, frankly, holding the body for research. The tests we are conducting may lead to better defenses against geth attacks." He argued. "Respectfully, Serviceman Bhatia may save more lives in death than she did in life."

Lex snapped, she pushed her forearm against the clerk's chest and slammed him against the wall. "You know who and what I am. If I want Nirali Bhatia, I can get her."

Bosker looked terrified. "Commander, I…I don't think threats are necessary."

Kaidan walked up to her. "Commander, maybe you…"

She cut him off. "Stay out of this Lieutenant."

Kaidan's eyes widened, and he took a couple of steps back. "Yes, ma'am."

Bosker found his voice again. "Even if the body were here on the Citadel, would you really risk going in shooting to get it?"

Kaidan saw Shepard smile, and it sent a shiver through him. She looked dangerous, and he realized he was finally seeing the Commander Shepard they talked about.

"You said you'd been briefed on me." She replied in a low, husky voice. "How far do you think I'm willing to go on this?"

This time Kaidan's shiver was for a much different reason. No way should a threat like that sound so sexy. He was torn between pulling Shepard off Bosker to avoid an incident, and pulling her away from the clerk in order to kiss her. (What the hell am I thinking?) Obviously he was the only one who had this reaction to her threat, because Bosker looked like he was about to piss his pants and Ash had a big "hell yeah" look on her face.

"All right, Commander. You win." Hearing that, Lex backed off the clerk and let him straighten himself up. "It was hard enough refusing Mr. Bhatia, I'm not going to risk an incident by refusing you."

"Smart man."

"Tell Samesh that the body is being shipped back to Earth. I'll go now to see to it myself." The clerk almost ran out of the room.

Kaidan could hear a giggle from Ashley behind him. He looked at Shepard. She looked…defeated. She'd just gotten what she wanted, but she looked disappointed. "Commander?"

Lex took a few deep breaths and tried to calm herself. She'd almost let herself lose control with the clerk. One moment she was hearing him make excuses for not releasing the body and the next she was seeing red. She could hear the blood rushing through her ears as she slammed him against the wall. Although she'd cut him off, Kaidan's ballsy decision to speak up had snapped some bit of sense into her, although it wasn't immediate. She concentrated on the outcome. Bhatia was going to get his chance to say goodbye, the chance she'd been denied.

"Ashley." Lex's voice was barely above a whisper. She didn't feel quite right yet.

Ashley's eyes widened when she heard the Commander say her name. She looked over at the LT, but he shrugged, looking just as surprised. "Yes, Commander?"

"Will you please go and let Mr. Bhatia know he will be getting his wife's body back?" She asked. Lex didn't think she could take another conversation with the widower, the whole situation was pulling her back into memories she didn't want to relive.

"Of course ma'am." Ashley didn't mind at all. In fact, "Commander, if you don't mind, I'd like spend some time with Samesh. His wife and I were rather close…"

"Sure, go ahead. We'll see you back on the Normandy." Lex waved her off. She turned her back to the wall and leaned back. Closing her eyes as she rested her head back. She sighed. God, she was tired. She stayed like this for a few minutes, concentrating on her breathing and fighting to keep her mind clear of anything that could pull her down.

Kaidan just stood there and looked at Shepard. He hadn't noticed before, mostly because he'd been trying to avoid looking at her altogether, but she looked exhausted. He wondered if she'd bothered to get any sleep last night. He wondered what she was thinking about, as she stood there leaning against the wall. Whatever it was, it wasn't good. He could tell she was struggling to calm herself down. Not from her earlier anger, that seemed to have faded, but from that cloud of despair that seemed to follow her around. He raised his hand, tempted to once again comfort her, but quickly lowered it. She was working through it, he could tell, and after last night, and the way she'd cut him off just now…well, he didn't think she would appreciate it. Instead he stood there, with his own internal struggle waging, and watched her.

Lex took one last big breath, and pushed off the wall. She wasn't surprised to find Kaidan looking at her when she opened her eyes. She'd felt his eyes on her as she had been trying to push off the threat of the abyss. She knew it was silly, that there was no way she really could have sensed him watching her, but she had and it had helped. A bit. What hadn't helped was the fact that she'd spent a majority of the time wishing he'd touch her again.

"Alright Alenko, we have a Consort to visit. Let's go."

"Ma'am?"

* * *

"Fucking Chora's Den! Of course. Where else would the General hang out? I mean, it's obviously the only fucking place on this station to go and relax!" Lex was on the verge of whining, she knew it.

"Commander, if you like, I can go and…" Kaidan hated the idea of her having to go back there as much as she did.

"No, Lieutenant, I can handle going into a fucking bar." Lex cut him off for the second time that morning. She cursed herself. She was being an ass, but he was starting to get on her nerves with all the nice, caring shit. (I can't pretend you have no effect on me if you keep doing shit like that, LT Sexy!)

"Shepard!" Lex turned around when she heard Garrus call out her name. "I've got my stuff on the Normandy. Oh and I hear congratulations are in order!" As he said the last part he looked over at Kaidan, the human was waving his arms in front of him and shaking his head. Garrus wondered if he was having some sort of attack.

"What? Oh, that, I don't want to talk about it, Garrus." Lex replied. She looked up at Garrus, and noticed he was looking past her with a confused look on his face. (Well, I think that's confused.) She turned back to see what he was looking at. She just managed to see Kaidan lowering his hands, a guilty look on his face. "Lieutenant?"

"Uh, just giving Garrus here a big welcome to the team wave, Commander."

"Really?" She asked, the sarcasm dripping from the word. Then she perked up, an idea popping into her head. "Hey, Garrus, how'd you like to accompany me back to our favorite bar?"

"Sure, Shepard, who are we shooting at today?"

"Hopefully, no one. I just have to have a talk with some turian General, figured you could help me out." She looked back at Kaidan. "Lieutenant, you can head back to the Normandy. I'm sure you have duties that you'd love to catch up on with all that's been going on."

Kaidan frowned. She was punishing him. He wouldn't have cared, except that he was worried about her going back to Chora's, but he knew better than to argue with her today. He didn't want to find out what would happen on strike three. "Aye, aye, Commander." Reluctantly he left her with Garrus and headed back to the Normandy.

* * *

"So you think it's that easy, huh? Just straighten up and act like a General?" Septimus asked.

"Well it damn well couldn't hurt." Garrus replied. Lex couldn't help but notice the disgust he'd said it with. Lex had a similar reaction listening to the General, but for an entirely different reason. When she looked at Septimus, she saw herself. What's worse, she saw herself before she hit rock bottom.

Septimus finally relented. "Maybe you're right, Commander. Shai'ra is worth the effort, even if she won't have me back." Once they'd finally gotten Septimus to stop drinking and go talk to Shai'ra, and once they'd agreed to do him a favor and prove Shai'ra's innocence to Xeltan, the elcor diplomat that had started Lex on this damn rollercoaster ride, they said their good-byes and started to make their way out of Chora's.

"Damn it. Spirits, I can't believe she's still here!" Garrus said as he stopped walking to look at a girl behind the bar.

"What's the matter Garrus?" Lex asked as she looked over the girl. She was behind the bar, but she was still dressed like a stripper. (A bit too skinny for my taste…) "She an ex or something?"

"What? No!" Garrus replied, and Lex finally learned what a flustered turian looked like. "That girl's name is Jenna. Her sister has been begging me for weeks to try and get her out of here."

"I didn't realize you had a side job as an employment counselor."

Garrus sighed. "Jenna is working here as an informant for C-Sec. Her sister is worried about her. And frankly, so am I. I've tried to talk some sense into the inspector working her case, but he won't listen. He insists she's perfectly safe. But you know as well as I do how safe this place is."

Lex nodded, and started for the bar.

"Shepard, what are you doing?" Garrus asked as he caught up with her.

"I'm going to talk to Jenna. Maybe a woman's touch will do the trick."

"Uh, Shepard, she's not one of the strippers." He quipped. He'd noticed how Shepard's attention had been drawn to the dancers as she walked through the bar. He had been sure until then that the Commander had something going on with her Lieutenant, but maybe she swung the other way. Or, maybe she swung both ways. (Nice.)

"Shut up, Vakarian."

He laughed.

Lex reached the bar, and got Jenna's attention. "Hi, I'll be with you in just a sec." Jenna said to her. Garrus came up and sat next to where Lex was standing.

Lex leaned in so only Jenna and Garrus could hear her. "I need to talk to you about your work with C-Sec."

Jenna suddenly looked nervous. "I...I don't know what you're talking about. Now, if you don't mind I need to get back to my customers."

"Don't be stupid Jenna!" Lex hissed. "This isn't a game. These people are dangerous. This place is dangerous. Trust me, I know!"

"Yeah, she's done most of the killing that's happened in here in the past day." Garrus added.

"Not helping, Garrus." Lex glared at him.

"Now you sound like my sister. Why is everyone so concerned about me? I can take care of myself."

"And what about your sister?" Lex asked. "What is she going to do when something happens to you? How is she going to feel when you're dead and she's all alone?"

Garrus looked at Shepard. (Okay, that's a bit too specific to be random. Why does this seem so personal to her?)

Jenna shook her head. "I need to go. I'm not a stripper. I don't' get paid to stand around and look pretty." She moved to the other side of the bar.

"Stubborn bitc….ugh!" Lex slammed her hand on the bar.

"Hey Shepard, you tried. Like I said, I've been at it for a while. She's a stupid kid, she's just thinking about the excitement of it, she can't imagine anything bad happening to her." Garrus said, as he wished he'd never mentioned anything. He did not like how Shepard had reacted to the whole situation. "Look, how about I buy us a round of drinks? We can celebrate you being the first human Spectre!"

Lex leaned back on the bar and put her head in hear hands. (Walk away, Lex. Walk out of here right now.) "Sure."

"Great! What do you want?" Garrus perked up. He didn't know what had set her off, but she definitely needed to relax and he was determined to help her.

"I don't care." Lex replied. (Come on, don't do it, take a step back.) Lex put her hands down on the edge of the bar and pushed herself back, but couldn't manage to let go. (Just one. I can have just one and I'll be okay. I'm so tired, I'll drink one drink and I'll go pass out on the Normandy.) She started to settle back in when suddenly a turian bummed into her and leaned in. She was about to give them a big shove off of her when they whispered in her ear.

"If you've got questions about Jenna, meet me at C-Sec Academy."

"Huh?" She'd heard him, but the whole thing had been so unexpected, she found herself a bit confused.

The turian pushed her away. "Push off! I never did nothing to you." He said as he walked away, seemingly in a drunken stupor. "Damn, newcomers. Think they can run the place."

She looked over at Garrus. "Someone you know?"

"Oh yeah. I guess the drinks will have to wait, Shepard. How about I give you a …what's that human saying?"

"Rain check?" She supplied.

"That's it. A rain check."

"Sure, Garrus, no problem. Let's head out." Lex was relieved. Saved by the fake drunk, C-Sec officer. How often does that happen?

* * *

Lex didn't think she'd ever been so tired. She wasn't even sure how she'd managed to get herself to her cabin on the officer's deck. All she wanted to do was sleep. She walked into her cabin, ready to do just that, but froze. "Where the fuck is all my stuff?" She walked back out and double checked the door. Yup, it was her room.

"Everything alright, Shepard?" Lex looked up to see Chakwas walking towards her.

"My stuff's gone. I just wanted to go into my room and sleep, and now my stuff is gone." She was sure she was whining, but she was too tired to give a damn.

"Commander, you're the CO now."

"Uh huh." She replied, not understanding why the doctor was pointing out something she already knew. It had just been ten minutes since Anderson and Udina had informed her that the Normandy and the crew were now hers. She'd protested, not wanting to take the ship from Anderson. Hating the thought of him being benched, but they had insisted. "I was there when they told me, doc." (Wait that made sense, right?)

Chakwas chuckled. "Commander, as the CO, you don't bunk in the XO's cabin."

"Okay." Shepard thought that made sense.

When she still hadn't moved, Chakwas added. "Shepard, your things have been moved to the Captain's office slash cabin on the crew deck."

"Ahhhh. So I can sleep there. That's great, doc." She started to drag herself back to the elevator. "Chakwas, if you find me asleep in the elevator later on, just leave me there, okay?"

"Will do, Commander."

As she headed to the crew deck, Lex thought about the insanity of her day. She'd been made the first human Spectre, gotten a dead soldier back to her husband, saved a General from himself, saved a girl from herself, and helped move a month's old C-Sec case along. Pretty productive day, if you didn't think about how she'd threatened an Alliance clerk, come close to the abyss twice in a span of a couple of hours, and almost had a drink. The elevator opened and she stepped out. (Well, at least nothing else can happen.)

"Commander, do you have a minute to talk?" Kaidan asked. It took her a second to figure out where his voice was coming from. Then she spotted him by a terminal near her new cabin. (I hate you Murphy, stupid physicist!)

"I always make time for my officers, Lieutenant."

"I wanted to apologize for overstepping my…" Kaidan started.

"Hold on, Alenko, I'm going to stop you right there." Lex interrupted him.

(Damn, there goes strike three.) Kaidan braced himself. (I knew I should have waited until she got some sleep.)

"Lieutenant, I need my officers to be intelligent, capable, and willing to put their lives on the line for duty." She stated. "And that includes risking my wrath when they feel it's necessary."

"Commander?"

"Look Kai…Alenko, I needed to be reined in this morning. I was upset and I let it cloud my judgment. I might have cut you off, and been pissed about your decision to speak up at the time, but I'm glad you did it."

Kaidan sighed in relief. He'd been getting himself ready to be chewed out all day, this was not what he'd expected. And when she almost called him by his first name…he'd had to remind himself to start breathing again.

"But, I also don't need you worrying about me every time I go near a bar. I get enough of that shit from Anderson. And I'll ask that you keep the whole drinking thing to yourself. I don't know if I mentioned it before, but Anderson is the only other person that knows. I'd like to keep it that way."

"Yes, ma'am."

"Good." She stated before yawning. "Okay, now I'm going to go pass out. Hopefully, I make it to the bed before I do, though I don't like my chances."

"Heh, good night, Commander."

"Good night." She replied as she turned the corner and entered Anderson's cabin. (No, not Anderson's, mine. My cabin. My ship.) She smiled. She did make it to the bed, where she collapsed and was out the moment her head hit the pillow.


	16. Chapter 16 - Reds

"Good Morning, Commander. There's some breakfast on the counter if you're hungry." Kaidan greeted Shepard as he saw her come out of her cabin. He was relieved to see she looked much better than she had in the past couple of days. (I guess she finally did get some sleep. I wonder if she made it to the bed.)

"Great! I'm starving." Lex poured herself a cup of coffee, grabbed her plate, and headed to the table where Kaidan, Joker, and Garrus.

"Hey Commander, I think you made a mistake, looks like you picked up a plate that was prepared for a linebacker!" Joker commented with a chuckle.

"Oh please, a linebacker can't eat half as much as a biotic needs to make it through the day." She replied.

Joker thought about that and said. "I'm entering you and Kaidan in an all you can eat contest. I'd make a ton."

"Excuse me?"

"Uh, we'd make a ton, Commander." He quickly added.

"I'm sure Shepard would win. She worked up quite an appetite yesterday." Garrus remarked. "She could barely walk when she left Shai'ra's last night."

"What? Kaidan asked, suddenly paying attention to the conversation.

"Oh yeah, we went over to see the consort to let her know that General Septimus had seen the error of his ways. I was waiting outside of the room for an hour!" Garrus looked over at Shepard. "Honestly Shepard, with how tired you looked yesterday, I had no idea you had that much in you."

"Vakarian, you definitely have no idea." Lex smiled and winked at Garrus.

Kaidan just sat there, mouth open in shock. She'd been with the asari consort? He found himself feeling…jealous? (Ugh, I don't have any right to be jealous.) Knowing that didn't make him feel any better. He had to remind himself that she was his Commanding officer, and that they didn't even know each other. (I mean, if I knew her I would have known she's into women. Or is it just an asari thing?) He looked down at this plate, and realized he'd lost his appetite. "Excuse me everyone, I have some work I need to finish."

Lex watched Kaidan get up from the table and leave. He looked upset, and she wanted to throw something at Garrus for bringing up the consort. It was true that she'd spent an hour with Shai'ra the night before, but unlike in Garrus' imagination, nothing had happened. She was feeling so down, angry, frustrated, and exhausted. That hour with the consort had been the first time in ages that she'd felt herself relax. They'd talked, and well the consort had done some type of asari mind-melding thing, but Lex was pretty sure it hadn't been sex. (I think) She hadn't felt the need to correct Garrus when he brought it up because she didn't care what he thought. Seeing Kaidan's reaction though, it made her feel…guilty? Which was ridiculous. She had nothing to feel guilty about. He was one of her officers, one of her marines. For fucks sake, they didn't even know each other. (Maybe I should tell him…) Lex decided it was better this way. Let him think she'd been with the consort. Let him be upset. They needed to stop heading in the direction they had been and this would ensure that.

* * *

"So it's up to us. We're the only ones who can stop Saren. I swear to you all, we will stop him!" Lex ended her speech to the Normandy crew. (Well that's it, its official now.) She still didn't like the idea of Anderson getting pushed aside.

Joker looked up at Shepard. "Well said, Commander. Captain would be proud."

Lex frowned. "Fancy speeches won't stop Saren from finding the Conduit. If we really want to make the captain proud we better get this bird in the air."

"Yes, ma'am."

"Joker, have Alenko, Pressly, and Garrus meet me in the comm room for a debriefing." It was time to figure out where they were going to go first.

"Aye, aye, ma'am."

* * *

Lex stood in the center of the room looking at the galaxy map on the vid screen. "We have a choice to make, gentlemen. We have three leads to follow up on. I already have an idea as to where we should go first, but I want your input before I decide."

"Commander, I don't understand why the turian is here. This is an Alliance debriefing." The disdain was clear in Pressly's voice.

"Garrus is here because I asked him to be. He was the C-Sec officer in charge of the investigation on Saren and as such can help us in the search." She glared at Pressly. (Not another one.) "Also, this is now my ship, and I am now a Spectre, we are not on an Alliance mission. We're all on the same team here Pressly"

"With all due respect, ma'am, that's what they said about Nihlus. And look how that turned out."

"Speak freely Pressly, I want to know if you have a problem with non-humans." Lex could feel the muscles in her neck begin to tighten. Ashley was bad enough, but if her XO turned out to be anti-alien as well, this was going to be a nightmare. Now she remembered why she never wanted her own ship in the first place. Things were so much easier when they just pointed out stuff for her to shoot and let her go.

Kaidan hadn't stopped cringing since Pressly first spoke up. He could see Shepard was tense and trying very hard to keep her cool. At least with Ashley, Kaidan could do or say something but Pressly was now the XO. He was on his own.

"It's not that Commander. Humanity has always handled its own problems. Saren attacked one of our colonies. We should be the ones to stop him." Pressly replied. Kaidan had to hand it to the man, he was holding firm.

Lex took a breath before speaking. "This is bigger than humanity. Saren's a threat to every species in the galaxy. And I'll welcome anyone who wants to help me bring him down."

Kaidan hoped the man was smart enough to let it end at that. He realized he was tense himself as he waited to hear what Pressly would reply.

"I guess so." Pressly said, resigning himself to the fact that he and the Commander did not see eye to eye on the subject. "Maybe I'm just stuck in the hold ways of thinking. Don't worry, Commander. This won't be a problem."

"Good." Lex hoped this was the last of her crew that would express any anti-alien opinions. She didn't care if they had them, she just hoped they were smart enough to start keeping it to themselves. "Now on to the subject at hand. Our first lead is Noveria, the Council has received reports of geth interest in the corporate research colony, and they need to know why. The next is Feros, the geth have attacked the planet. Our first priority would be so investigate the colony of Zhu's Hope and find out what Saren is after there. Lastly, Anderson has informed me that Matriarch Benezia has a daughter named Liara T'Soni, an archeologist famed for her knowledge of the Protheans. It also appears that Saren is after her. I don't know if it has to do with her mother or if it's because of her knowledge of the Protheans. Either way, we need to talk to Dr. T'Soni."

Lex paused and gave the men in front of her a chance to absorb the information she had just given them. She knew that as the CO of the Normandy and a Spectre, she should have made the decision herself, but it was more than she could handle (No, more than I want to handle) at the moment. There was just too much at stake, and she needed all the help she could get.

Kaidan was once again surprised by Commander Shepard. After everything he'd heard about her, he'd expected her to make her command of the Normandy absolute and a complete dictatorship. That she would actually be asking them for input on how to proceed was unexpected. Once again he found himself unable to reconcile the woman from the stories with the one he was getting to know. Yes, he'd seen her ruthless side, and it had shaken him. Even worse was the fact he was sure he had only seen the tip of that iceberg. But he'd also seen her be kind to a widower and a mourning soldier, go out of her way to help people she'd never even met, and he'd seen her vulnerable. He'd seen things about her he suspected she never let anyone know about. He wondered how much Anderson even knew. This was just one more layer to Shepard that made him want to keep peeling them away. (I'm in trouble.)

"We need to go to Feros, Commander. We can't let it become another Eden Prime!" Pressley stated.

"Unfortunately, I think it's too late to avoid that. At the moment, reports are that the colonists are holding off the geth. Seems to be that the brunt of the attacks are at the ExoGeni headquarters." Lex added.

Garrus cleared his throat as he raised his hand to get Shepard's attention.

"This isn't a classroom, Garrus, just say what you're thinking."

Garrus stood up. "Shepard, I think the best course of action is to find Benezia's daughter. Saren believes the Prothean beacon would lead him to this Conduit he's after, I am willing to bet that a Prothean expert is something he needs."

Kaidan stood next to Garrus, nodding his head. "I agree with Garrus, Commander. This Dr. T'Soni must know something, why else would Saren be after her?"

Lex turned around and faced the vid screen again. She was smiling and she didn't want them seeing her. They had both decided on Dr. T'Soni, and that had been exactly where she'd wanted to start. This not only assured her that she had made the right choice, but it also verified that as she had thought, both men were very capable.

She turned to face them. "I agree, Dr. T'Soni should be our first priority. After we find her, we'll head to Feros. Thank you, dismissed."

Pressly and Garrus left the room, but Kaidan stayed behind. "Commander, if I may speak freely?"

"What's on your mind, Lieutenant?"

"Off the record. I think there's something wrong here." Kaidan answered. "This Saren is looking for records on some kind of galactic extinction. But we can't get backup from the Council? Sorry Commander. There's writing on the wall here, but someone isn't reading it."

Lex let out a sigh, but one of relief. This conversation she could handle. "The Council doesn't want to believe anything's wrong. I'd call it human nature, but…"

"I hear ya." Kaidan agreed. "I – it just seems like a group that's been around as long as the Council should see this coming. It's funny. We finally get out here, and the final frontier was already settled. And the residents don't even seem impressed by the view. Or the dangers."

Lex smiled. "Well, well, you're a romantic. Did you sign on for "the dream", Alenko?" Somehow she wasn't surprised. "Secure man's future in space?" She could swear she saw him blush as he rubbed his hand on the back of his neck. (Okay, he can't be allowed to be hot and adorable!)

"Yeah, I read a lot of those books when I was a kid. Where the hero goes to space to prove himself worthy of a woman he loves." (No, what am I saying? Detour! Change it!) "Or, uh you know. For justice." (Yeah, that's what I meant.)

Lex had to smile. Yeah, he was certainly adorable when he blushed.

Kaidan continued. "Maybe I was a romantic in the beginning. But I thought about it after Brain Camp – ah, sorry, 'Biotic Acclimation and Temperance training.' I'm not looking for "the dream". I just want to do some good. See what's out here. Sorry if I get too informal. Protocol wasn't a big focus in BAaT."

"That's all right. You don't do it as often as you think. Tell me about it." Lex had heard of BAaT from other biotics, but she'd never actually spoken with anyone who'd been there. She hadn't heard anything good about it, and by the look on Kaidan's face when he'd mentioned it, she didn't think she would.

"'Biotic Acclimation and Temperance' didn't last past the airlock. To the kids they hauled in, it was Brain Camp." Kaidan replied. "Sorry, "hauled in" is unkind. We were "encouraged to commit to an evaluation of our abilities, so an understanding of biotics could be compiled." There are worse results of "accidental" exposure to element zero in the womb. Beats the brain tumors some kids grew up with."

Lex tensed when he mentioned the word accidental the way he did. Could it be? "You doubt it was accidental? Is there some question about how you were exposed?"

Kaidan shook his head. "My mother was downwind of a transport crash." Kaidan had quizzed his mother on how it had happened when he figured out what was happening to other kids. "It was before there were human biotics. A little after the discovery of the Martian ruins. It only gets iffy around '63 when Conatix was running out of first-gen subjects. Until then, they'd relied on accidentals. Bunch of guys in suits show up at your door after school. Next thing you know, you're out on Jump Zero."

For once Lex was grateful she'd at least hadn't been shipped off into the edge of human space, not that what she'd dealt with had been that much better. "There were other kids in the same boat, right? At least you weren't alone out there."

"That's true. We did have a little circle that'd get together every night before lights-out. We didn't have much to do, though. It was a research platform then, and Conatix kept Jump Zero off the extranet. To prevent leaks."

Lex smirked. "You were all teenagers. I'm sure you found other ways to occupy the time." (Damn, I take it back…hanging out with a teenage Kaidan in the middle of the night doesn't sound like something I would have minded.)

Kaidan shifted uncomfortably. "I'm not the sort who does that kind of thing, Commander. Not lightly, anyway. There was a girl I spent a lot of time with, but we kept our clothes on. Rahna…" Lex hated her already. "She was from Turkey. Her family was very rich. But she was smart, and charming as hell. Beautiful, but not stuck up about it. Like you, I guess. Ma'am."

(Oh, really? Oh look, he's blushing again.) "Sounds like she was special to you."

"She was. Maybe she felt the same, but…Things never fell together. Training. You know." Kaidan left it at that. He wasn't about to let Shepard know everything, he couldn't bear it if she knew.

"You know of any intentional exposures for certain?" Lex asked.

"No one "knows." Doesn't mean they didn't happen. As big as the exposures were, it was hard to track down accidentals. It was different then. No one knew the potential, so there wasn't a lot of regulation. Anything Conatix did was gold. I'm not saying they intentionally detonated drives over our outposts. But in retrospect, they were damn quick on the scene." He replied. Then he looked at Shepard, and noticed something. "How about you ma'am, do you know what happened to you? I mean, since you don't know your parent's, I just…well, were you ever told?"

"Oh I know exactly what happened to me. My parents were paid a large amount of money and my mother allowed herself to be exposed to element zero while she was pregnant with me." She answered casually.

Kaidan was shocked. "Shep…Commander, how? Why would they do that?"

Lex shrugged. "They didn't want me. They were young street kids. When the offer was made they were living on the streets. They saw a chance to either make some money off of me or get paid to get rid of me. Either way was a win for them."

Kaidan could tell she was trying to act like it was no big deal, like she had come to grips with the fact her parents hadn't wanted her, but he could see the hurt in her eyes. No matter what she said, he always seemed to be able to read what she really felt by looking into her eyes. To him, they were an open door to her inner most thoughts.

"Don't look so sad, Alenko. I dealt with this a long time ago, and anyways, they didn't get their way. I didn't die, but I also didn't develop any biotic traits. They were left with just the one payment and me to deal with, at least for a while."

"But Commander, I've seen you use your biotics. Heck, I've been on the receiving end of them."

"Ugh, don't remind me, please." Lex cringed. "My parents didn't keep me for long after I was born. When it was proven that I wouldn't be developing any abilities, they dumped me off at my grandparent's house, my mother's parents. I stayed there till I was about eight years old, and then I ran away. When the police found me my grandparents told them they didn't want me back, that I was even more trouble than their worthless daughter. So I was sent to a foster home. That didn't go too well, and I left about three years later."

"You were only eleven when you left? How did you survive?" Kaidan couldn't picture her as a little girl alone on the streets. His rational mind told him it was impossible for a child that young to make it out there alone, but then this wasn't any ordinary child. This child would grow up to be Commander Shepard, she must have been a force to reckon with even then. Still…it must have been horrible.

"I always hung out with the older kids in the neighborhood. It wasn't a nice area, I grew up in the old districts of New York. When I left the foster home, I just stayed with the kids from the streets. Became one of them. Which is how I joined up with the Reds." Lex paused. (Why am I telling him all this?) She hadn't spoken about her past to anyone since Marks, and she'd known her for a few years before she had. "Anyways, joining the Reds was what kept me alive."

"So you were in a gang?"

She nodded. "Yes. It was that or die on the streets…or worse. At least as a member of the gang no one outside of the gang messed with me."

"What about people in the gang?" Kaidan hated to ask, but the way she'd said that made the hairs on his neck stand on edge.

"There were some jerks that were eager to give the new girl a hard time. I learned quickly that I had to stand up for myself if I wanted to make it." She looked away. "There were a lot of hard lessons for me those first few years."

Kaidan fought the urge to reach out to her. As usual, he wanted to comfort her, to somehow make up for all the hurt she'd been through.

"Anyways. When I was about 14 the leader of the Reds called me in. Turns out my mother was working for him…and well, she had told him about her having been pregnant and the element zero and all that, including my name. When he had repeated the story to one of his men, they mentioned me and well he put everything together." Lex walked over to one of the chairs in the comm room and sat down. Kaidan joined her in the next seat. "He had been eager to get his hands on a biotic, figured having one in the Reds would be a boon to his business. He'd also heard about some experiments that had been done a few years earlier. Seems some company was taking kids who had been exposed to element zero in utero, but showed no signs of being biotic, and they were re-exposing them as teens. Some of them actually developed biotic powers afterwards. Most died."

"Oh, Shepard, he didn't?" Kaidan couldn't stop himself, and put a hand on her arm. Her mother had failed her twice.

Lex looked at Kaidan. His beautiful brown eyes were so warm. Just as the memory of it all had started to weigh down on her, she'd felt his hand on her arm and suddenly felt it lift off her. How did he do that?

"In his defense, he did at least make it seem like I had a choice. He told me of the wonderful things I'd be able to do, and that if I did this for him he'd make sure I'd never want for anything. I'd be his top lieutenant in the Reds. For a kid from the streets, that was like offering me the world on a platter. As one of the top ranking members of the gang no one would mess with me again. I'd be set." She shook her head. "So of course, I jumped at the chance."

"Shepard, you were just a kid." Kaidan could see that she blamed herself for not saying no.

"I saw a chance to have some power, and I took it. I wanted to be the one to push people around for once." Her voice grew hard, and her jaw was clenched. "They exposed me to element zero, and lucky me, I lived and I finally developed my biotic abilities. They found someone to train me, and about a year later I was implanted with an L3." Lex stood up and walked to the other side of the room. She felt exposed. He now knew more about her than most people, heck Anderson and Hackett were the only other two people who knew about what she had just told him. She straightened her shoulders and turned to face Kaidan. "Anyway. This was supposed to be a casual debrief, not a bull session about stuff that happened years ago."

"I didn't mind, ma'am. I'm happy I got to know you a bit better." Then he smiled. "You make a habit of getting this personal with everyone?"

Lex walked up to Kaidan, and looked him in the eyes. "No. No I don't. Thanks for the talk, Kaidan. We'll talk again later?"

Kaidan was blushing again, his hand back up behind his neck. "I'll, uh – I'll need some time to process that, Commander. But yeah, I'd like that."

* * *

***I figure it takes a lot of drama to make someone into the Commander Shepard that would become the Butcher of Torfan, that would be an alcoholic, and that would be as ruthless as she's going to be getting in future chapters. So more backstory for her here. I'd appreciate any opinions on how you all think the story is going. To be honest, I'm trying not to rush myself into pure Shenko goodness, and it's hard!***


	17. Chapter 17 - Doctor's Orders

_"Commander, we'll be arriving at Therum in thirty minutes."_

"Thanks Joker." Lex put down the datapad she'd been reading in hopes of learning more about the asari they were looking for. This would be the third planet in the system they would search, and she hoped they'd find her here. She stood up and headed out of her cabin. As she expected she found Kaidan outside of her room still fiddling with that blasted terminal. She couldn't help but smile as she wondered if there was anything actually wrong with it, or if he was just using it as an excuse… (Cut it out, Shepard. Not helping!)

"Lieutenant, grab your gear, I want to be ready if this one turns out to be it. Hopefully Garrus isn't having as much trouble with the Mako as you are with that terminal." She smirked as she watched him blush. Well, she had her answer now.

"Uh, aye, aye, Commander."

"Commander, I do hope you'll go easy on Kaidan and Wrex." Chakwas called out from the door of the Medbay.

Kaidan raised a curious eyebrow towards Shepard.

Lex scowled at Chakwas. "I'm sure I have no idea what you're talking about, doctor."

"Kaidan, wear your seat belt." With that said, Chakwas entered the Medbay.

"Commander?"

Lex shrugged at Kaidan. "Seriously, no clue what she's talking about. Let's go, Alenko."

* * *

Kaidan was fighting the urge to be sick. He told himself to at least wait until they were out of the Mako, if they ever made it out. What the hell was wrong with this woman? It had all started off well enough. He had been nervous when they first hit ground, Chakwas' warning still fresh in his mind, but as they had headed out a bit he began to relax. Shepard handled the Mako like an expert, following smoothly along the path while remaining a safe distance from the lava. When they were suddenly under attack by geth, they were reassured they were on the right planet. Shepard handled that expertly as well, working into a back and forth dance in between shots in order to avoid the geth cannons. (I guess the doctor must have been teasing me. I didn't know she had such a wicked sense of humor.)

As they rounded a corner, Wrex groaned. "Looks like we'll have to go the rest of the way on foot, Shepard." Pointing at the rock barrier blocking their way.

Shepard studied the barrier for a couple of minutes. "Nah, we can make."

"Commander, that space is barely wide enough for Wrex, there's no way you're getting the Mako through there." Kaidan was surprised that wasn't obvious to her.

"No way, eh?" Lex gave Kaidan a twisted little smile. "Is that a challenge, Alenko?"

"No ma'am, it's just fact. We can't fit through that."

"Well, not straight on, no. But this baby has a few tricks up her sleeve." She replied as she patted the controls. Lex backed away from the barrier and then proceeded to head full speed towards the small entrance. Kaidan swore he saw his life flashing before his eyes. At the last moment Lex turned slightly to the left just before hitting the left edge of the barrier and then quickly turning the Mako right. The vehicle flipped to the right, landing in between the barriers and then suddenly pushing through it and to the other side.

Kaidan's stomach landed about 30 seconds later. He heard Wrex groan behind him, and knew the krogan was feeling the same way. He looked over at Shepard. She had the most incredibly wicked smile of accomplishment on her face.

"See." She beamed at him and he felt his heart skip a beat. He wasn't sure if it was caused by the near death experience or that smile, but she didn't give him a chance to find out before she was off again. The area ahead was full of big rocks and geth. She maneuvered around some of the rocks, others she just blasted through or over as she took down the enemy. He felt like they were riding through an earthquake as they were tossed about inside the Mako. She raced up the hill and over barriers that the geth must have put up as cover. As they neared the entrance to the mines a geth ship dropped off an armature and some geth troops. Kaidan was almost thankful they were still in the Mako, he couldn't imagine how they would have handled them on foot. Almost. When all the enemies were down, Kaidan couldn't get out of the Mako fast enough. Wrex practically crushed him in his dash to get out. They both took a few minutes and a few deep breathes to calm their stomachs.

"Now that was great. Good thing I got that Mako through, huh?" Lex smiled over at them. Kaidan was in awe. Shepard looked like she riding some sort of adrenaline high. (She's loving this? I'm fighting the urge to kiss the ground, and she's on cloud fucking nine!) He shook his head. He wanted to be mad at her, but when he saw the look on her face. The pure joy, he couldn't help but smile. She looked…like his wild haired girl. "Come on you two, we have a doctor to find."

* * *

"Uh, hello? Could somebody help me please?" Liara had never been so happy to see humans in her life. Anything but geth! Although, the krogan with them made her worry. The female human approached the barrier. "Can you hear me out there? I am trapped. I need help!"

Lex walked up to the barrier, staring at the asari behind it. She seemed to be floating in some sort mass effect energy ball. "Well, that's interesting." She mumbled. "Quit shouting, this place is crawling with geth. Unless you want their help?"

Liara lowered her head, ashamed she'd let her sudden hope of escape cloud her judgment. "Sorry. I am a little….Look, my name is Dr. Liara T'Soni. I am an archaeologist." She looked up at the female human. "Listen. This thing I am in is a Prothean security device. I cannot move, so I need you to get me out of it. All right?"

Lex studied the asari's face. She looked like a scared little girl, but that wasn't enough for her. "Your mother is working with Saren. Whose side are you on?"

Liara gasped in shock. "What? I am not on anybody's side! I may be Benezia's daughter, but I am nothing like her. I have not spoken to her in years. Please, just get me out of here." She pleaded with the human. "There is a control in here that should deactivate this thing. You'll have to find some way past the barrier curtain. That's the tricky part. The defenses cannot be shut off from the outside. I don't know how you'll get inside."

"I'll see what we can do." Lex replied. She didn't know if she could trust the asari, but either way she had to get her out of there. "We'll be back, don't go anywhere." She said as they headed out to find a way to free the doctor.

"Whe…where would I go? I am trapped." (Is this human dense?)

Lex tried to suppress a chuckle as they walked down the ramp, but Kaidan heard it. She smiled at him. "I guess she doesn't have much of a sense of humor."

Kaidan shook his head. Apparently the commander was still riding that Mako high.

* * *

"Joker! Get the Normandy airborne and lock in on my signal." Lex radioed to the Normandy as Liara started the elevator. "On the double!"

_"Aye, aye, commander. Secure and aweigh. ETA eight minutes."_

Kaidan looked over at Shepard as he hoped the elevator would hurry up and move. "Not much margin for error."

"If I die in here, I'll kill him." Wrex growled.

When the elevator finally reached the top they were greeted by a krogan Battlemaster and some geth. "Surrender, or don't. That would be more fun."

Lex moved in front of the asari. "Is there a reason you're in my way?"

"The same reason you're here. The asari." He moved closer. "Thanks for getting rid of those energy fields for us. Hand the doctor over."

"She'll stay with us, thanks." Lex quipped.

"Whatever it is you want, you're not getting it from me." Liara spoke up. Lex had to hand it to the doctor, she sounded scared shitless but she wasn't whimpering behind her.

"In case you didn't notice, this place is falling apart!" Lex hoped the krogan would see reason, they didn't have much time.

"Exhilarating, isn't it?"

(Damn it, I guess not.) "We don't have time to deal with this idiot." She yelled as she pushed the doctor behind the elevator controls. "Charge!"

The Battlemaster gave laughed. "Heh, I like your attitude." Then started to run straight at her.

(Oh shit.) Lex attempted to duck out of his way while bracing for impact, sure that she wouldn't have enough time to fully avoid him. But when she heard him crash into something, it wasn't her. She turned around and saw Wrex and the Battlemaster struggling against each other. She was beginning to draw dark energy to herself, planning to throw the Battlemaster off of Wrex.

"Shepard, I've got this. Take out those geth!" Wrex yelled as he threw the other krogan off of him.

She nodded at him and looked over to where Kaidan was facing off with the two troopers. She turned her attention to the entrance and saw the sniper taking aim in Kaidan's direction. She hit him with an overcharge and then fired off a few shots off her Stinger pistol to bring him down. She turned her attention back to Kaidan. He'd taken down one of the troopers and she raised her weapon to finish off the other. Suddenly she felt a burning pain on her left side that dropped her to her knees. "Fuck!"

Kaidan hit the remaining trooper with a sabotage, taking him down and then ran towards Shepard. "Shepard!" He reached out to pick her up, but she pushed him off and turned to fire at the remaining geth rocket trooper who had hit her. She hit him with a warp and followed it up with an overcharge. He fired the final shots into the trooper and it went down. Kaidan reached for Shepard again, but she stopped him a second time.

"Help Wrex!"

Kaidan cursed himself, he'd forgotten about the two krogans. He stood and looked around the room, spotting them towards the back. He saw Wrex throw the other krogan on the ground. Kaidan sent an overcharge the Battlemaster's way, taking out the last of his shields so that Wrex could finish the job. Two shotgun blasts and it was over. Kaidan turned back to Lex who was already standing up. "Damn it, Shepard, sit back down. You're bleeding out."

Lex gave Kaidan a smirk, at least that's what she was going for, she wasn't sure she'd pulled it off as she grimaced in pain. "I'm not saying I don't like your take charge attitude, Alenko, but how about we don't take a rest as the whole place falls down around us?"

"Sorry, Commander!" Kaidan was mortified. This was Commander Shepard, what the hell was he thinking? And she was right, they had to get out of there now.

There was another rumble below them, and the walls started to crumble. "Run!" Lex ordered. Kaidan hesitated, tempted to grab Shepard in a dead man's hold. "Alenko, I will kick your ass if you don't start moving it NOW!"

They ran for their lives as the structure fell around them. The ramps under their feet were shaking and barley holding their weight. "Move, Move, MOVE!" She urged them on, stopping to make sure each one of them got out ahead of her. No one was going to get left behind.

Kaidan reached the outside first, finally stopping at the end of the outer ramp. He took a couple of seconds to catch his breath as he saw Wrex and the asari doctor emerge from the mine. Then his breath caught when he didn't see Shepard. She should have been right behind the doctor. (Fuck, why didn't I wait for her? Come on, Shepard!) As if on cue, he saw her run out of the mine, just as a huge explosion shook the entrance and brought it down. She made it to the end of the ramp before collapsing to her knees in front of him. He froze, not wanting to act on his instinct again and risk her wrath.

Lex felt like throwing up. Her left side was killing her and she felt cold, couldn't stop shivering. She raised her head and met Kaidan's eyes. She somehow managed a sly smile. "Well Alenko, aren't you going to help a lady in distress?"

Kaidan smiled as he let out a sigh of relief. "Aye, aye, ma'am." (But damn, she's a stubborn one!) He pulled her up, placing her arm over his shoulder and wrapping his arm around her waist as he led her towards the Normandy. He tried to ignore how right it felt to have her in his arms. As they passed the Mako, which Garrus would bring in behind them, he felt relief once more. At least they wouldn't have to get back in to that thing.

* * *

_"Too close, Commander. Ten more seconds and we would've been swimming in molten sulphur. The Normandy isn't equipped to land in exploding volcanoes. They tend to fry our sensors and melt our hull. Just for future reference."_

Liara was aghast. "We almost died out there and your pilot is making jokes?"

Lex shrugged. "Sometimes Joker's a real ass. Just try to ignore him. I know I do."

"I see. It must be a human thing. I don't have a lot of experience dealing with your species, Commander. But I am grateful to you. You saved my life back there. And not just from the volcano. Those geth would have killed me." She paused. "Or dragged me off to Saren."

"What did Saren want with you?" Asked Kaidan. "Do you know something about the Conduit?"

Liara shook her head. "Only that it was somehow connected to the Prothean extinction. That is my real area of expertise. I have spent the past fifty years trying to figure out what happened to them."

"Just how old are you, exactly?" Lex still had a hard time getting use to the asari life span. The asari in front of her looked like barely more than a young girl. She would have put her on par with an 18 year old human.

"I hate to admit it, but I am only a hundred and six." Liara replied with a blush.

"Damn! I hope I look that good when I'm your age." Stated Ashley.

"A century may seem like a long time to a short-lived species like yours. But among the asari, I am barely considered more than a child. That is why my work has been dismissed by many asari."

Lex interrupted her. "I have my own theory about why the Protheans disappeared."

Liara gave Shepard a condensing look. "With all due respect, Commander. I have heard every theory out there. The problem is finding evidence to support them. The Protheans left remarkably little behind." She paused when she noticed that Shepard was looking at her with an 'Oh Really?' look on her face. "It is almost as if someone did not want the mystery solved. It's like someone came along after the Protheans were gone and cleansed the galaxy of clues." (Why does the Commander look like she knows something that I don't?)

"The Protheans were wiped out by a race of machines. The Reapers." Lex said matter-of-factly.

"The…The Reapers? But I have never heard of…How do you know this? What evidence do you have?"

"I saw it." Lex replied. "There was a damaged Prothean beacon on Eden Prime. It burned a vision into my brain. I'm still trying to sort out what it all means."

Liara's eyes widened. "No wonder the geth attacked Eden Prime. The chance to acquire a working beacon…even a badly damaged one…is worth almost any risk." She studied Shepard's face. "But the beacons were only programmed to interact with Prothean physiology. Whatever information you received would have been confused, unclear. I am amazed you were able to make sense of it at all. A lesser mind would have been utterly destroyed by the process. You must be remarkably strong willed, Commander." (Fascinating.)

Kaidan didn't like the way the doctor was suddenly looking at Shepard. "This isn't helping us find Saren. Or the Conduit." He didn't bother to hide his irritation.

"Of course. You are right. I am sorry. My scientific curiosity got the better of me. Unfortunately, I do not have any information that could help you find the Conduit. Or Saren." Liara admitted, although she was reluctant to, she wanted to find out more about this Commander. And she wanted to know how her mother was involved in all this.

Shepard leaned against her chair, her arms crossed in front of her. The pain in her side was starting back up again, the medigel she had allowed Chakwas to apply before heading straight to the comm room was wearing off. "Great, looks like we wasted our time here."

Liara jumped up. "Wait, Commander. Saren might try another attempt on my life. I'd feel safer if you let me stay on your ship. Besides, my knowledge of the Protheans might prove useful later."

"And her biotics will come in handy when the fighting starts." Garrus added.

Lex looked at the young (well young looking) asari and frowned. Did she really seem like the type that would just throw her off the ship? "Good to have you on the team, Liara."

Liara smiled. "Thank you, Commander. I am very gratef…whoa. I am afraid I am feeling a bit light-headed." She was suddenly a bit unsteady on her feet.

"When was the last time you ate? Or slept?" Kaidan asked as he got up to steady her. "Dr. Chakwas should take a look at you."

"It is probably just mental exhaustion, coupled with the shock of discovering the Protheans' true fate. I need some time to process all this." Liara wavered on her feet again, and Kaidan had to grab her elbow. "Still, it could not hurt to be examined by a medical professional. It will give me the chance to think things over. Are we finished here, Commander?"

"Go see the doctor. The rest of you…dismissed." She looked back at Kaidan, her focus going directly to his hand on her arm. "Lieutenant Alenko will escort you to the medbay, Liara."

Kaidan raised an eyebrow at the harshness behind Shepard's words. Then he noticed how pale she looked. (It must be the pain) "Of course, Commander, I'd be happy to escort both of you there."

"I'm fine, Alenko."

"I'm sorry, Commander, but that's not going to work." He let go of Liara and walked up to the Commander. "I promised Dr. Chakwas I'd get you to the medbay as soon as the debriefing was over, even if I had to carry you."

Lex couldn't help the shiver that ran up her spine as he stood in front of her with a stern, determined look on his face. (Damn.) "Oh, really?"

"Yes, ma'am." He smirked. "Doctor's orders."

* * *

**For some reason I really enjoyed writing this chapter, more so than the others. I think it was the Mako scene. I'd love to know your thoughts on it, so please leave me a review.**


	18. Chapter 18 - Screwed!

"So what's the plan, Commander?" Kaidan asked as Garrus, Tali, and Ash joined them at the entrance to the tunnels.

"Garrus, I want you to lead a team down to the tunnels and get that water back on for the colonists. See what you can do about that varren and the power cells they need, too." The colonists were acting strangely and the quicker they could get out of here, there better as far as Lex was concerned.

"Sure thing, Shepard. Who's coming with me?"

"Take Williams and Tali."

Ashley looked at Shepard. "Commander, if I'm going, I think I should be leading the team. I'm the only Alliance …"

"Not happening, Williams." Lex cut her short, she was not about to let Ashley second guess her orders. "Now, Wrex and Kaidan, you're coming with me. Let's find out what those geth are up to. We leave in five." Everyone dispersed, taking the time she'd given them to double check their gear.

Kaidan saw Ashley walk up to Shepard, a determined look on her face. (Oh, this isn't going to go well.)

"Shepard, you're making the wrong choice here. Garrus was a beat cop on the Citadel, at most. You need a marine leading this squad." Ashley demanded. "Plus, he's not one of us, how do you know we can trust him?" Kaidan couldn't help but cringe at that one. (Oh, yeah, this is not good.)

"That's enough, Chief!" Lex snapped. "You know, I was considering having Kaidan look into why you were still stuck as a grunt after all this time, when you seemed to be over-qualified. I've changed my mind. I can clearly see why you haven't moved up in the ranks. You might have gotten the impression from your other posts that questioning orders and talking back to your superior officers was no big deal, but that is not how I expect my marines to act! And furthermore, you will address me as Commander, not Shepard. As you apparently need to have our ranks and what they mean reinforced in your head. Is that understood, marine?"

Ashley had gone pale. Kaidan noticed a small shake in her hand as she raised it to salute. "Aye, aye, ma'am. It won't happen again."

"Good. Now I trust I can expect you to follow Garrus' orders down there." It wasn't a question.

"Yes, ma'am. Not a problem."

"Alright, dismissed."

Kaidan walked up to Shepard when Ashley stepped away. "Commander?"

Lex held up a hand. "I know, Alenko, but she pissed me off. Look talk to her later, okay? When the mission is done. Try to get through to her. I have no use for someone I can't trust not to question my orders. She's got to get over this whole not trusting aliens thing, too. Or I'm leaving her on the Citadel the next time we're there."

"I will, ma'am." He left it at that. He could understand where she was coming from, although he didn't agree with how she'd handled it. Ashley had questioned her orders, Shepard had a right to be upset.

"Garrus, I want you to check in regularly. I'm hoping you won't run into much resistance down there, with the majority of the geth focusing on the Exogeni HQ, but don't take any chances."

"You got it, Shepard. We'll be fine. You three just be careful out there."

"Will do." She smiled at the turian. In the short time she'd known him, he'd started to grow on her. He was easy to talk to, and although he claimed to have a hard time with rules and red tape, he had no problem following her command. "Okay, then everybody head out!"

* * *

"_I repeat. Normandy to shore party. Are you reading? Anyone there? Normandy to shore party. Come on, Commander, talk to me!"_

"I read you, Joker. What's going on over there?"

"_We're in lockdown here, Commander. Something happened to the colonists. They're banging on the hull, trying to claw their way inside the ship. They're freaking out!"_

"Keep the colonists away from the Normandy. Gun them down if you have to." Lex hated herself the moment the words came out of her mouth, but the risk of those colonists getting into the Normandy was one she couldn't take. She avoided looking at Kaidan, knowing what she'd see in his face.

"_Uh, will do, Commander. We'll fire off a few warning shots. That should send them running." _

Lex hoped he was right. "Let's get out of here."

* * *

"We're done here, dismissed." Lex sat back down in her chair as the others streamed out of the comm room.

_"I've sent off the Feros report, Commander. You want me to patch you through to the Council?"_

"Don't bother."

_"Aye, aye, Commander."_

Lex leaned forward and placed her head in her hands. If she thought it was pounding before, that was nothing compared to the pain she now felt after her joining with Liara. She got up, deciding she needed to ask Chakwas for some pain meds, the headache was not going to go away on its own.

Kaidan was walking out of the elevator as Lex made it to the crew deck. "Alenko, by the look on your face, I'm guessing you had that talk with Williams?"

"I did, Commander. Believe me, she regrets what she did down there. She's a good kid commander, she just has to learn when to keep her opinions to herself."

"I agree." She replied, continuing her walk towards the medbay. Kaidan fell in line next to her. "It's not that I dislike her, Alenko. I certainly don't agree with her opinions about our alien quests, but I know she has a good heart. I just can't have her questioning my orders all the time. Especially the way she goes about it!"

"I understand. Commander, can I ask you, were you really going to have me look into her records?" Kaidan had been surprised when she'd mentioned it.

"I was. In fact, go ahead and do it anyways. I'm curious to know if her behavior here has always been an issue, or if it's just with me. There has to be a reason she's still a grunt." She entered the medbay, but Chakwas was nowhere to be seen. "Damn it."

"Commander, Chakwas is still at the colony helping the surviving colonists, do you need me to go get her?"

"No, just a headache, I'll live."

"Well if that's the case, come with me, Commander. I have just what you need." Kaidan motioned for her to follow him.

"Is that so? You know, there are regs, Alenko."

Kaidan froze, he had a horrified look on his face when he turned to look at her. "Commander, I…" He stopped when he noticed her trying not to laugh. "Very funny, Shepard."

She stopped laughing. "Shepard? How informal. That's not the appropriate way to address your commanding officer, Lieutenant. And it's not the first time either."

Kaidan looked horrified again. "Sorry, ma'am. I wasn't speaking to you as my commanding officer, ma'am. I don't want to send any bad signals. Just working on what I picked up. You tell me if I'm going too far."

"Relax, Kaidan. Seriously, it's too easy with you sometimes." She was smiling again.

He blushed. "I guess it is." They reached the galley. "Anyways, sit down Shepard. I'll make you my miracle headache destroying soup."

"Oh, headache destroying soup, you say?"

"Yes, one bowl of this soup, a nice hot shower, and straight to bed. You'll be right as rain in the morning."

"Is that an order, Lieutenant?"

It was his turn to smile. "If you need it to be, Commander."

"Aye, aye, sir." She threw him a quick salute before hoping up on the counter to watch him cook. "So you're a biotic, tech expert who can handle an assault rifle and you can cook? I think I'll keep you Kaidan."

"Sounds good to me, Shepard." Realizing what he said, Kaidan quickly turned back to the stove. Lex dropped her eyes down to her hands. They were both blushing.

"So, you need these soups often? Chakwas told me about your L2."

Kaidan looked over at her and saw the worry on her face. "It's not that bad. Could be worse. As long as I don't overdo it and eat right, I don't usually get a migraine. Nothing to worry about, Shepard."

"Good to know." Lex left it at that. She had a feeling Kaidan didn't want to make a big deal out it, and she wasn't about to push him. They didn't speak for a while. She just sat there, watching him cook. She couldn't help wonder what it was about this man that made her feel so comfortable. Yeah, sure, he was hot. She couldn't deny that, especially since her pulse would quicken a bit just by seeing him walk into a room. She'd always found him attractive, but it was more than that. He had a calmness about him that she envied. He had a way of enveloping her in that calmness, almost like a biotic barrier, every time he touched her. He'd bring her into it, and center her.

"Here you go, Shepard." He placed the soup on the counter next to her.

She smiled at him. "Thanks, Kaidan, I appreciate it."

"Don't mention it."

She hoped off the counter and grabbed the bowl, taking it over to the table nearby. He grabbed his own bowl and joined her. They ate their soups and talked about random things, each enjoying the other's company. Neither one of them wanted to get up after they'd finished eating, but people were starting to come in for the evening meal and the seats were needed.

"Thanks again for the soup, Kaidan. It really helped." She said as she reluctantly got up from her seat.

"You're welcome, Shepard. And don't forget about that hot shower."

"What's that about a hot shower, Kaidan? Joker asked as he came to stand by them, a knowing smile on his face.

"I won't forget, thank you. I'm going to go, I need to get some work done." Lex walked away quickly, leaving Kaidan to deal with Joker. She knew it was the cowardly thing to do, but hell Joker was his friend.

"So…you and the Commander? Kaidan, I'm shocked." And he was. He thought he knew Kaidan pretty well, and him having a thing for his commanding officer was definitely out of character. Well, at least him acting on it would be.

"Don't be, I was just giving her some tips on how to get rid of a headache, that's all." Kaidan replied, hoping Joker believed him.

"Damn, and here I was hoping you were finally getting interesting. You gotta admit it, man, I was right. She's hot. I wouldn't blame you for trying to get into her pants."

"Joker." Kaidan couldn't help the hint of hostility that accompanied his response. (Damn it.)

Joker gave him a knowing smile. (Ha, I knew it!) He laughed as he gave his friend a quick slap on the back. "Oh man, you're screwed."

* * *

**_*** I apologize for this chapter. I am not happy with it, at all. I pretty much had to force myself to write it after spending a few days staring at a blank page. It's not that I had writer's block, not exactly. It's that I made the mistake of skipping ahead when I couldn't think of what to write in this chapter. I skipped far ahead, to a certain scene I've been wanting to write for a while, and once I started I couldn't stop. Now it's reached over 8k words and I don't want to stop! I'm torn too, I can't decide if I want to keep that a part of this story or not. If I keep it, I either have to make some changes to the story that is now forming in my head in order to keep true to the original story here or I have to make 'What are the Chances' go a completely different route than what I had originally intended. If I make it a separate story, it would end up being a sliding doors type of universe, a 'what if Lex Shepard had gone left instead of right?' type thing, because it would still be the same Shepard, with the same history, up to and including what I've written so far in the original story._**

**_As you can tell, I'm driving myself mad here! Anyways, my apologies again, for the wait and the disappointing outcome. If anyone has any suggestions, or if you would like to volunteer to beta the new stuff I've written and give me an opinion as to what I should do, I'd be forever grateful. Oh and there's a poll on my profile page that I'd be eternally grateful to any of you that would vote on it. ***_**


	19. Chapter 19 - Out of Line

Lex stepped out of the shower, thankful that Kaidan had been right and her head was feeling much better. Hopefully she'd be able to get some sleep and her headache would be completely gone by the morning. She thought over the events on Feros while she dressed. She'd been prepared to kill the colonists that stood between them and the Thorian. Only Kaidan's insistence on giving the knock-out grenades a shot had changed her mind, and because of that they had all been saved. Thanks to Kaidan, and yet people were praising her. It wasn't right. She would make sure to note it in his file, and bring it to the Anderson's attention.

She was just about to sit at her desk and go over some reports when she heard someone at her door. "Come on in."

Kaidan walked in. "I'm sorry if I'm disturbing you, Shepard."

"Oh, you're not, I was just going over some reports. I just forgot to take the lock off my door when I stepped out of the shower."

"Do you have time to talk now, I could come back if you don't?"

"Of course. Have a seat." She motioned him towards one of the seats at the table near her desk, and moved to a seat next to him. "What's on your mind, Kaidan?"

"We've played it pretty close to the book so far. But we're a long way from backup. We've got some tough calls to make." He paused a moment, and looked her in the eyes. "I'm just saying…try to leave yourself a way out. I've seen what cutting corners can do to someone. And I'd hate to have that happen to you, Shepard."

"This is about Feros and the colonists, isn't it?" Lex lowered her head, unable to look at him. "They're alive thanks to you, Kaidan."

"I just gave my opinion Shepard, you chose to follow it. I understood where you were coming from, it was a big risk to try to keep them alive, and it made the mission that much harder. We had no way of knowing what would happen when the gas wore off, they could have still been affected by the Thorian's spores."

"But I didn't even consider another option. I went straight to the easiest, and cruelest decision."

"I have yet to see you make any decision out of cruelty, Shepard. That's not who you are."

"I don't know, Kaidan, I've done a lot of cruel things in my life."

"I'm not questioning any decision you've made, Shepard. Let me be clear about that." Kaidan was sure he was going about this the wrong way. He'd only meant to help, to let her know he understood, but instead he could see her worry that he thought less of her because of initial decision on Feros. "It's just my experience that once someone lets something slide, it tends to pick up speed. You get my meaning?"

"Talk to me Kaidan. You've got a little black raincloud sitting over your head." She replied. The look on his face made it clear he was worried about how he was coming across.

"I'll try to keep the deck dry." He smiled. "You know the records about the biotic training out on Jump Zero? They're all classified. Because the Alliance made mistakes. After first contact, Conatix was set up to track element zero exposures and develop implants for humans. Once we had an embassy on the Citadel, Conatix could bring in "experts" instead of taking it slow."

"Is there some reason we couldn't learn it on our own?"

"They didn't know where to start." Kaidan shrugged. "Hell it took a couple of years to even link biotics and eezo. Forget trying to get the kids to move stuff. They had trouble just helping them not break their own limbs. And their choice of teachers didn't help much." Lex saw the expression on Kaidan's face darken.

"The only experts would have to be aliens."

"Dead on. Turians, actually. That's why Conatix kept it a secret. They were afraid of what people would think. Asking the turians for help when we'd just fought a war with them. The company refused to go through the Citadel for help, thinking it would have made Earth look weak. So they discreetly hired some turian mercenaries."

"Well I'm sure that came back to bite them in the ass."

"Yeah, you could say that. Our instructor was a turian by the name of Commander Vyrnnus. To introduce himself, he liked to say, "I was at the helm of the dreadnaught that killed your father." I told him my dad wasn't in the war. He'd retired to Vancouver. My family had an inland home that matured to new beachfront. Vyrnnus had it in for me after that. He cut corners, pushed hard. I mean, you either came out a superman or a wreck. And a lot of kids snapped. A few died. The point of all this – I guess – is that when you cut corners, it's not always obvious who pays for it."

Lex was confused now. She'd thought he was here to lecture her, but the way he talked about this, she knew it was a time in his life that he'd rather not remember. "So why are you telling me this? Is there something I can do to help you get over it?"

He smirked. "I'm thirty-two, Shepard. You don't serve as long as I have without coming to terms with yourself." His face softened then and he leaned in, making sure he had her full attention. "You also learn that if someone is special to you, you help them. Try to keep them from making mistakes."

Lex felt another stupid blush spread across her face, and smiled. "Special, huh?"

"If I'm out of line, just say the word."

(Yes you're out of line, but I don't care!) This was her chance, if she wanted something to happen between them he was opening the door, all she had to do was step through it. But then what? More moments like the one on Feros were bound to come up, what would happen when he finally got tired of having to be her voice of reason. What would happen when he finally came to the realization that she was nothing more than a killer, that it was always her first instinct? She got up from her table and stepped back towards her desk, facing away from him.

"Shepard?"

"Kaidan, I don't think this is a good idea…"

Kaidan cut her off. "Of course, Commander. I apologize, I'll let you get some rest now." He was out of his chair and walking out of her room before she could reply. Lex was left alone to think about what she had been about to say. Even she was unsure of how she would have ended that thought, torn between what she knew she should have said and what she'd wanted to say. She glanced at the door, and guessed she should be grateful to him for assuming she meant to completely shoot him down. Now they could move past all this and focus on the only thing they should be focusing on. Saren.

* * *

_****Short chapter today. I'm currently working on some stuff that is very much in the future for this Shepard, and it's captured my imagination. I'm really making an effort not to let the current story suffer because of it, so it is taking me a bit longer to get these chapters done. Hopefully the next chapter will be a longer one. **_

_**I want to give a big THANK YOU to BozieLillySari for the help with the new stuff I'm working on, and kind words of encouragement. ****_


	20. Chapter 20 - Fruit Bomb

Kaidan was exhausted. He'd spent his morning catching up on reports and generally doing everything possible to avoid Shepard. Now he was in the cargo bay finishing up what had become a three hour workout. He had hoped he'd be able to release some of his frustration during his workout, but now he was frustrated and tired. He placed a forearm on the nearest wall and rested his forehead against it. He replayed last night's conversation with Shepard in his head for probably the fifth time that day. He'd taken a big chance and it had blown up in his face. He wasn't likely to make that mistake again. He turned around when he heard footsteps behind him, and saw Ashley walking towards him.

"Hey LT. finally done, or are you planning on keeping at it until you actually drop?" She'd meant to be funny, but he could see the worry in her face.

"Haven't decided yet, Ash."

"Come on, LT. Whatever it is can't be that bad."

Kaidan slid his back down the wall until he was sitting. "You have no idea, Ash."

"And I bet you aren't going to tell me either, right?" She sat down next to him. The LT had had her back since day one, and Ashley had come to think of him as a brother, which was a nice change considering she grew up with three sisters.

Kaidan smiled at her. He found her obvious attempt at trying to cheer him up touching, but he didn't feel like sharing. "Right."

"Well then, how about I just invite you to join us for drinks at Flux when we get back to the Citadel? It's just a few of us, and Joker's coming too."

"I don't think so, Ash." He knew he'd be terrible company, and well, he just didn't feel up to it.

Ashley gave him a knowing smile. "Well, I guess it makes sense you'd rather stay, since the Commander isn't going to be there."

Kaidan raised an eyebrow at her, was he that obvious? "I don't see what difference that makes."

She gave him an innocent smile. "Oh none, I guess, just saying. She'll probably be on the Normandy all night. I guess you two could find something to do here."

Well then, that helped him make up his mind. The last thing he wanted to do was be alone with Shepard after he'd made a fool of himself. "You know what, I think I will join you guys tonight."

Ashley frowned. She'd expected him to jump at a chance to be alone with the Commander. It was obvious to her and half the ship that something was brewing between the both of them. She wondered if something had gone wrong, if that was why he'd spent such a long time down in the cargo hold, working himself to exhaustion.

Lex walked off the elevator into the cargo hold, unaware of her surroundings. She'd spent her day checking in with the crew, filing reports and filling out requisition forms. Her head, which had still been pounding when she woke that morning, was on overload. She wanted more than anything to have Anderson back in charge of the Normandy, this wasn't her thing. Actually, she was lying, more than anything she wanted to stop thinking about Kaidan and last night. Every time she closed her eyes she saw the look on his face right before he practically ran out of her cabin. She was brought out of her thoughts by the sound of Ashley's laughter. Lex looked up and saw the Chief sitting with Kaidan on the far side of the room. They both looked so relaxed and comfortable with each other. She felt a pang of jealously, but quickly squashed it. She had blown her chance with him. If he was choosing to move on with Ash, that was his right. But that didn't take away from the pain she felt at how quickly he was moving. She turned around and headed back into the elevator, her purpose for the trip to the cargo bay forgotten.

* * *

Lex was just sitting down to eat a late dinner in the Mess when Garrus and Liara found her. She was surprised to see them, since she'd given everyone 24 hours of shore leave. They'd arrived at the Citadel rather late, and she wasn't scheduled to see Anderson until the next day, so it had made sense to let them have a break. She had thought she had the ship to herself until she saw them.

"Shepard! Just the Spectre we were looking for." Garrus exclaimed when they spotted her.

"Garrus, Liara, I thought everyone had left. What are you two still doing here?"

"Like Garrus mentioned, Commander, we were looking for you. We'd like for you to join us for dinner." Liara said, nervously.

"Thank you, but as you can see, I've got my food right in front of me. You two should go and have some fun."

"Hrmph! That's not food Shepard, that's a method of torture! Come on, we insist." Garrus wasn't about to take no for an answer. The Commander had been in a frightful mood since they'd left Feros and they were determined to get her to relax.

"I'm really not the social type, Garrus, I'd just spoil the night for both of you."

"Nonsense, Commander. I…eh, we enjoy your company." Liara felt her cheeks heat up in embarrassment at her slip up. "Please, join us."

"If you don't, we'll just have to stay here and suffer alongside you. Do you really want to do that to us?" Garrus gave Lex what she thought was a turian version of a pout. She couldn't help but laugh.

"Alright, fine. You win." Shepard got up from the table and put her food away, happy at least that she would have to eat the meal packet, she hated them. She joined them, noticing that Liara was now beaming. She liked to see the asari in good spirits, she knew that would eventually change, when they confronted Matriarch Benezia. "So where are we off to?"

"Flux. Rita wants to treat us to dinner as a thank you for your help with her sister." Garrus replied. "We can have some dinner, and do some dancing!"

"Oh no, I don't dance." Lex insisted.

"See now, Shepard. That sounds like a challenge." Garrus stopped and looked at Shepard. "And I say, challenge accepted."

"Not happening, Vakarian."

* * *

The first sight that greeted her as they walked into Flux was Ashely, Kaidan, and Joker sitting together at the bar. "I think I've changed my mind. Looks like most of the crew is here, it will mess up their night if they have to worry about how they act with their CO around."

"Forget it, Shepard. We're not leaving. They won't even notice us. We'll grab a table near the back, they can still have their fun." Garrus nudged her forward as he raised his hand to get Rita's attention. The girl spotted him and walked over to greet them.

"Garrus! Commander Shepard! I'm so happy you're here. Come, I'll take you to your table." Rita motioned them to follow her.

"Rita, girl, could you sit us towards the back, away from the dance floor?" Garrus was suddenly oozing a charm Lex hadn't known he was capable of.

"Sure, not a problem." They made their way to the back wall, which was unfortunately very near the bar where Kaidan and the others were sitting. Shepard hoped they didn't notice them. "Here you go. Enjoy yourselves, and remember it's on me!" They thanked her and she left.

Lex was trying her best to pay attention to the menu pad in front of her and not what was going on at the bar, and she was failing miserably. Garrus said something to her that barely registered and she responded without paying attention. "Uh huh, sure Garrus."

"Well do you want anything in particular, Shepard?" Garrus raised his voice a bit higher, trying to get her full attention. She kept looking at something behind him.

"What? Oh, I don't care, pick whatever you like." She turned her attention back to the bar. They seemed to be having a good time. (Good, he deserves that.)

"Commander, are you not going to eat?" Liara asked, also noticing how distracted Shepard seemed.

"Oh yes." She picked the first edible human meal on the menu and then looked back at Liara. "Liara, you can stop calling me Commander. I'm not your superior officer, just call me Shepard."

Liara smiled. "Thank you, Shepard, I'd like that." Lex smiled at Liara before she once again turned her attention to the bar. (Darn it, stop staring!)

"I gotta tell you, Shepard, joining you on the Normandy was the best decision I've ever made. I knew working with a Spectre would be better than life at C-Sec."

Lex turned her attention back to Garrus. "Oh I didn't know you'd worked with a Spectre before?"

"Well no. But I know what they're like. Spectres make their own rules. You're free to handle things your own way. At C-Sec you're buried by the rules. The damn bureaucrats are always on your back."

"For the most part, the rules are there for a reason." Shepard replied. She understood his frustration, but her worst fear about becoming a Spectre was the lack of rules. To trust herself to set her own limits was not something she felt confident she could do.

"Maybe." He replied, pausing as he waited for the waiter, who had just arrived with some drinks, to finish putting them on the table. "But sometimes it feels like the rules are only there to stop me from doing my work. If I'm trying to take out a suspect, it shouldn't matter how I do it as long as I do it. But C-Sec wants it done their way, protocol and procedure come first. That's why I left."

"So you just quit because you didn't like the way they do things?" Lex asked. She picked up the glass in front of her and took a sip, whatever they had brought her had a fruity flavor and she stopped breathing out of her nose in order to avoid smelling it, she wasn't a huge fan of fruit juice.

Garrus shook his head as he began to reply. "There's more to it than that. It didn't start out bad, but as I rose in ranks I got saddled with more and more red tape. C-Sec's handling of Saren was typical, I just couldn't take it anymore. I hate leaving."

Lex could sympathize with Garrus, although as an N7 she'd rarely had to deal with red tape, she'd dealt with it enough since the Saren mess had started and they'd come to the Citadel. She took another sip of her drink, noting that it really didn't taste bad. "I hope you made the right choice. I'd hate for you to regret it later."

"Well that's sorta why I teamed up with you. It's a chance for me to get off the Citadel, see how things are done outside of C-Sec. Either way, I plan to make the most of this. And without C-Sec headquarters looking over my shoulder, well maybe I can get the job done my way for a change."

"As long as you don't take any unnecessary risks, I'm willing to let you find your own path. Just remember why we're really doing this." She stopped when the food arrived. She hadn't really been hungry all day, and had only been about to eat earlier because she knew she had to, so all she had ordered was a salad. She took a few more sips of her drink (This actually tastes damn good!) and started to eat.

"Commander…"

"Liara." Lex said sternly.

"I mean, Shepard, I've been meaning to ask you about the images from the beacon. Have you been able to get any of it to make sense since acquiring the Cipher?"

"I got nothing but a headache, Liara, sorry." Lex joked. Actually her head was feeling pretty good now, it seemed all she had to do was relax and get something to eat. (Oh and stop thinking about Kaidan.) Of course, the moment she thought that she looked back towards the bar. They were still there. Ashley was leaning on Kaidan, her arm around his shoulder. (Well, she doesn't waste any time, does she?) Lex raised her glass and finished off her juice, but found herself wanting more. "Hey Garrus, what's this juice you got me? It's damn good! I think I want some more."

"I'm glad you like it Commander, I'm not familiar with human drinks, so I just picked the first one on the list. I'll order you another one."

"Thanks pal!" Lex was smiling now, she felt good. Relaxed.

"Heh, no problem, Shepard. I had to cash out that rain check for you." Garrus ordered another round of drinks for them. He was happy to see that Shepard was enjoying herself, she looked to be at least.

Liara leaned forward to ask Lex another question. "About the beacon images, Shepard…"

"Liara, let's not talk about that tonight, let Shepard enjoy a night off without any mention of Saren or that damn beacon." Garrus was not about to let them go back to talking shop just when Shepard had started to relax.

"Oh, of course, you're right. I apologize, Shepard, I just get caught up in it all." Liara sat back once again, a bit embarrassed.

"Don't worry about it, Liara! No big deal." Lex replied. Just then the drinks arrived at the table and Lex snatched hers up. "Yay!" If possible, this one was better than the first. She didn't know what fruits they had used, but this had to be the best juice she'd had in ages. "As Liara would say, thank the goddess for Garrus and his rain check!"

"Hey, when I make a promise of drinks, I make good." Garrus laughed. "Next time though, the drinks are on you!"

"Yup, next time drinks…" Lex stopped cold. She looked at the glass in her hand, it was already half empty. "Drinks? Garrus, what is this?"

"Like I said, I'm not sure, I just chose the top one." He picked up the menu pad and pulled up the drink he'd chosen. "Fruit Bomb: And explosion of fruit flavor in your mouth, while the mix of exotic liquors sneaks into your system! Sounded interesting, seems like I was right."

Lex couldn't think. All she could do was stare at the glass in her hand.

"Shepard? Are you alright?" Garrus began to worry, she was just sitting there staring down at her drink. Had he chosen something that she was allergic to? (Great, I'm going to be the turian who killed the first human Spectre with a cocktail!) "Shepard!" He cringed as he realized he'd yelled.

Kaidan looked over to his right when he heard Shepard's name. He saw Garrus standing at a nearby table, where Liara and Shepard were seated. (When did they get here?)

"Fuck." Lex sat back in her chair, finally taking her eyes off the glass. No wonder she was feeling so good, and she was feeling really good. She wasn't sure what type of alcohol they'd put in the damn drink, but it was completely ignoring her supercharged biotic metabolism. The fact that she hadn't had a drink in four years probably didn't help either. She looked at the drink again. It was almost gone, she could just finish it off. (I mean, might as well, I've already had a drink) But she didn't move.

"Shepard, what is the matter? Is it the drink, do you not feel well?" Liara was worried, the Commander was acting strangely.

"No, no, I feel great. Best I've felt all day, actually. Screw it!" She picked up her glass and downed the rest of the drink.

"You had me worried there Shepard." Garrus sat back down, he hadn't even noticed when he stood up.

"Sorry, Garrus, it's just been a while since I had a drink. And well technically I'm always on duty." She tried to shrug it off, she didn't want Garrus to ask any questions.

"Forget technically, you gave the crew of the Normandy the night off, and that includes you. I'm getting you another drink!"

Kaidan watched as Garrus sat back down and picked up the menu pad. He looked over at Shepard and was caught off guard by how relaxed she looked. She was talking with Liara now, and she seemed rather engrossed in whatever the asari was telling her. She was smiling too, and it was a smile he hadn't seen her give to anyone but him since they had boarded the Normandy, and that had been rare. Apparently Liara was able to bring out the wild haired girl in Shepard. That thought made Kaidan look away as he felt a tightness in his chest.

Lex was staring at Liara as she was going on about some Prothean ruin or something. She'd never noticed how blue asari actually were. Well she knew they were blue, but damn she was **blue** blue. "Hey Liara, what happens when you get some sun? Do you tan? Hold on, is it still called a tan when you don't actually get tan?"

Liara looked over at Garrus, unsure as to how to reply. He shrugged. "You got me, girl, I have no idea what she's going on about."

"Shepard, are you sure you're well?"

"Oh don't worry, Liara she's just having a bit of fun. She's just a little drunk, it won't hurt her. And it's getting quite entertaining." Garrus laughed.

"Hey, I'm not drunk! It takes a lot to get me drunk. I'm just getting myself acclimated to the sensation of, you know, the buzz. Yeah." Lex looked at her glass. It was empty still or was it empty again. How many had she had?

"The buzz?" Liara asked, a confused look on her face. "Are you hearing a noise, Shepard?"

Lex giggled, and Garrus almost lost it. Commander Shepard giggling was not something he'd ever expected to hear. Although he'd been told he could experience something similar from her if he joined them in the Mako. He'd also heard the other Mako stories, so he'd passed.

"No, Liara. The buzz isn't a noise, it's a feeling. Like you're there, but you're not. Like everything is buzzing around you and you're just there for the ride. Chillin'."

"Chilling? Are you cold, Shepard?" Liara was understanding less and less of what the Commander was saying.

"Never mind. I need another drink!"

"I'll order…" Garrus was reaching for the menu pad again.

"Nah, I'll get it from the bar. Faster!" She got up from her seat, and started moving towards the bar. She wasn't seeing double and her balance wasn't off, so she figured she couldn't have had that much. She'd have another drink, and then head back to the Normandy. At least she was sure she'd be able to sleep tonight.

Garrus got up. "I better keep an eye on her, it seems our Spectre might not realize how drunk she actually is."

"Well she has had five of those things!" Liara replied to him as he went to join Shepard at the bar.

"Barkeep, I'd like a shot! Whatcha got?" If she was going to have only one more drink, she was going to make it a real one. One that actually tasted like a drink.

"Shepard, what are you doing?" She turned her head in the direction of the voice, and found herself face to face with Lt. Sexy! (Well, hello!) Kaidan had seen her walking towards the bar, and could tell something wasn't right. She wasn't moving with the confidence she usually did. When he heard her order a drink he'd practically jumped out of his seat to stand by her.

"Hey, Lt. Sss…..you! Alenko, you!" She mentally kicked herself. "I am about to partake in a shot of…something, I don't know what. You wanna join me? I promise not to throw you over the bar this time." She heard Joker laugh. Apparently, Ashley and Joker had followed Kaidan over.

"This time? This I've got to hear!" Joker was loving the whole situation. Shepard seemed to be drunk off her ass, and it was awesome.

Kaidan ignored his friend and focused on Shepard. "Shepard, come on, let's get you back to the ship." He reached for her arm, but she pulled herself away.

"No, I am having one more drink. A real one." She turned back towards the bartender. "Ohhhh, do you have tequila? I'd like a shot of tequila!" The volus behind the bar nodded and pulled out a shot glass, filling it with an unknown brand of tequila. "Nice. Thanks!"

Kaidan put his hand on hers as she reached for the shot glass. "Shepard stop. You need to come back to the ship."

Lex looked up at him. Her Lt. Sexy, who'd spent the evening (and the afternoon) with Ashley. She'd seen them smiling and laughing with each other. Who did he think he was? He was her subordinate that was it. He'd made sure of that when he left her cabin the night before.

Garrus didn't know what was going on, but he didn't like it. "Kaidan, she hasn't had that much. She's a bit drunk, but it's no big deal."

"Yeah LT. The Commander looks fine. Hell, looks like you're having some fun, ma'am." Ashley added.

"I like it. I think you should drink more often, Commander." Joker meant it, too. She seemed like a totally different person. Kaidan looked back at both of them and they were taken aback by the anger they saw on his face. They both decided to go back to their seats without another word. Joker looked at Ashley. "What the hell was that?" She just shrugged.

Kaidan turned back to Shepard, his hand still on hers. Determined to get her out of the bar. "Shepard…"

"Lieutenant, you have five seconds to get your hand off of mine before I change my mind about throwing you behind the bar." Her voice was low and threatening, and he took his hand away. She looked at him as she picked up the shot glass and brought it to her lips. She didn't take her eyes off him as she shot her head back and drank the shot, slamming the glass back onto the bar. "I'm done now, Garrus. I'm going back to the ship. Lieutenant, I suggest you don't follow me."

Kaidan just watched as she stormed out of the bar. He saw Garrus quickly go over to Liara and then they both rushed to catch up with Shepard. It took all his self-control to not follow them out. He knew she'd meant it when she'd said not to. He'd seen that look in her eyes before. He didn't know what to do now, the evening had been going well until that point. Joker and Ashley had managed to make him laugh and forget about his problems, at least for a while. Even after he'd seen Shepard, he'd still had managed to keep his attention on his friends, at least for the most part. But now all he could do was worry about her.


	21. Chapter 21 - Looked After

Kaidan found Garrus on the crew deck. He'd waited only a few minutes before he'd started to make his way back to the Normandy, leaving Joker and Ashley at Flux, wondering what the hell had just happened.

"Garrus where's Shepard?"

"She went to her cabin. What was all that about Alenko?" Garrus still wasn't sure what had happened at Flux. Shepard was clearly intoxicated, but nowhere near making a fool of herself or anything that excused the Lieutenant's behavior.

Kaidan ignored the question and asked his own. "Did something happen before you got to the club? Had Shepard been upset?"

"No, actually she was perfectly fine, until you started in on her. She'd finally started to relax and enjoy herself. If you hadn't noticed, the Commander has been a bit stressed lately, she has a lot to deal with, and I think she had a right to have a little fun."

"You're right, Garrus, she does. It's just that…Shepard isn't comfortable with the crew seeing her like that. I was just trying to help."

"She didn't seem to have a problem it from where I was standing. And neither did the crew. If Joker and Williams were any indication, the crew was happy to see her having fun." Garrus didn't buy Alenko's excuse. He'd heard some of the crew talk about something going on between Shepard and her Lieutenant, and he was starting to believe it.

"You're right, I just… I thought she might not…" Kaidan didn't want to betray Shepard's confidence and he knew it was making him look foolish. "You know, never mind, I was being foolish. Good night, Garrus."

"Good night. And Alenko, be ready, she wasn't too happy with you." Garrus left him alone on the crew deck. Kaidan just stood there for a few minutes and finally walked over to Shepard's cabin, finding the door locked. (Probably better to wait for tomorrow to have her chew me out.) He headed to his cabin, knowing full well he wouldn't be getting any sleep.

Lex woke up groaning. Apparently she'd managed to put her head in the path of a speeding cab, or a sledge hammer, either way it was killing her. Something had been let loose in her stomach, and it was doing cartwheels. And finally her mouth felt like she'd been eating sand. The good thing was she didn't have to wonder or think back to what she'd done the night before, there was no mistaking the fact that she had a hangover. She looked over at her clock. She had less than an hour before she was supposed to meet Anderson at Udina's office. "Fuck."

She got out of bed and had to stop for a moment when she was hit by a wave of nausea. This was going to be a long day. She headed into the shower and did her best not to look like death warmed over for her meeting. When she was finished getting ready she walked over to the mirror. She had dark circles under her eyes, which were puffy and bloodshot, and she was pretty sure she wasn't imagining the green tint to her skin. She cursed herself and who ever had invented that drink from last night. Anderson would know the moment he saw her, he'd seen her like this enough times before she finally quit drinking.

She straightened her shoulders and took one last look. "Okay Jackass, time to pay the piper."

As she made her way to the embassies she tried not to think about what Anderson would say. Unfortunately, that just left last night's other problem to think about. Kaidan. She'd been livid when she left Flux. He'd made a fool out of her by trying to practically drag her out of the club. He might as well have called her a drunk in front of the crew, the way he was treating her. She'd barely kept herself from hitting him when he'd placed his hand on hers to stop her from taking that final shot. It was the first time she remembered his touch not acting as a calming force. She was a grown woman for fuck's sake, where did he get off? She took a deep breath as she neared Udina's office, not wanting to go in angry. (Actually, I rather not go in at all.) She walked into the office and saw Anderson standing by the balcony overlooking the Presidium. She looked around and was relieved to see they were alone, the last thing she needed was to deal with Udina on top of everything else.

"Captain." She said, as she stood at attention and saluted. Overkill, she knew it, but it couldn't hurt.

Anderson couldn't help but smile when he saw her, assuming she was being a smart ass by giving him a rarely seen formal greeting. "At ease, Shepard, I think that one covers you for another few years."

Lex smiled, of course he didn't take her salute seriously. She went to join him by the balcony. She stood next to him and looked out over the Presidium. Not to enjoy the view, which was made impossible by the artificial sunlight burning into her sensitive eyes, but to avoid looking at Anderson. "So, how's the desk job treating you? Ready to kill Udina yet? You know I'd help."

"I can handle Udina, Shepard, it's the politics and paperwork that is going to do me in." Anderson watched her as he answered. She wasn't standing as straight as she usually did, her shoulders seemed heavy. He could only see part of her face, but she looked tired. "How are you doing, Lex?"

The sound of her name from him, the only person left who actually called her that, made her feel guilty. She knew she couldn't hide the truth from him for long, and decided to face him sooner rather than later. She turned to look at him before she answered. "I've been better."

He understood what she meant the moment he looked into her eyes. It wasn't the bloodshot, puffy eyes, the dark circles, or her sickly pallor that gave her away, but the guilt in her eyes. He'd seen that look before when she'd first fallen off the wagon shortly after she'd first tried to stop drinking, in fact during that first year after Marks' death there were a lot of times he saw it. "Lex, what happened?" His voice was low, and there was no anger, only concern for a young woman he thought of as a daughter.

"I want to tell you it was an accident and that I didn't know what I was drinking, because at first that was the truth, but I won't lie to you. I didn't stop drinking after I found out what happened. I finished the glass I had in front of me and I had a few more. And it felt great."

The look on her face didn't reflect her last words. She looked heartbroken and disappointed. He knew she would be harder on herself about this than he could ever be. "And how do you feel today?"

"Stupid. Embarrassed. Weak." She lowered her head. "And I want a drink."

"Come sit down Lex, and tell me what happened." He led her to the nearby table and took a seat next to her. When she put her hands on the table, he covered them with his own. He sat and listened as she told him everything that had happened since they'd left the Citadel. He'd read the reports she'd sent in, but she told him the things she hadn't put in the report. When she had finally ended with what had happened the night before she let out a deep breath. "So what are you going to do now?"

Lex knew what he was asking had nothing to do with the mission. "I'm going to start again, David. Don't worry."

He nodded. "And what about the Lieutenant?"

She gave him a confused look. "What about him? He overstepped, it was insubordination. Maybe I shouldn't have been drinking, but I'm not a child. I'm his superior officer for god's sake, he shouldn't have done what he did."

"He was worried about you, Lex. He cares about you."

He eyes widened in shock. "What?"

"Oh please Lex, it's obvious to anyone who stands in the same room as both of you. The way he looks at you." Anderson replied.

"I don't know what you're talking about, David. And anyhow, what does it matter? I'm his commanding officer, he knows it's not a possibility."

"What about you?"

"Me?"

"You look at him the same way. You've started smiling again since he joined the Normandy. Don't try to deny it."

"I don't. We have a sort of history. We met once, about 10 years ago, it was…well memorable." She chuckled at the now. "But still, nothing is happening or will happen between us. And what he may or may not feel about me is no excuse for what he did last night."

"It's my turn to make a confession." Anderson prepared himself for her reaction before he continued. "I asked the Lieutenant to look after you when I noticed how he felt about you."

She pulled her hands away from his and straightened up in her seat. "When?"

"The night before you became a Spectre. I was there when you two returned to the ship, I talked to him after you went inside."

She got up and walked away from the table, turning her back to him. When she spoke, her voice was low and he could hear the anger in it. "David, I don't need to be looked after like some damn child."

Anderson stood up and walked up to her. "Lex you have to face the fact that there are people left in this galaxy that care about you, and we care about what happens to you. We only want to protect you from yourself." The moment he'd said the words he'd regretted it.

She turned to look at him. "So you make plans behind my back to decide what's best for me? Do I get no say at all?" She was angry. "What's next? Will you have Kaidan look after me while we're on the ground too? Make sure I don't…gods, he's already doing it, isn't he? On Feros."

"What are you talking about? Lex I just asked him to be there for you, he respects you far too much to question your ability to command."

"You know what, David? Do you know what I really need? I need both of you to leave me the hell alone." She marched passed him and walked out of the office. Anderson was left staring at the closing door. As bad as that had gone, he didn't envy what the Lieutenant was about to face.

* * *

_****I can't decide which is best, posting small chapters every couple of days or keeping them longer with more time between them. Any thoughts? ****_


	22. Chapter 22 - Misplaced Rage

Lex stormed into the Normandy, the walk back from the embassies having done nothing to calm her rage. She turned towards the cockpit as soon as she stepped out of the airlock. "Joker, tell Lieutenant Alenko that I want him in the cargo bay in 15 minutes."

"Uh…aye, aye, Commander." Joker answered apprehensively. He didn't think he'd ever seen anyone as angry as Shepard looked at that moment.

She hadn't bothered to wait for his reply and was already on her way towards the stairs. She went directly to her cabin and proceeded to change into her PT clothes. Once she'd changed she walked to the elevator and headed to the cargo bay. Kaidan was already waiting for her.

He stood at attention the moment he saw her, and saluted. "Commander." He knew the moment he'd been dreading all day was finally here, but he couldn't understand why she'd chosen to chew him out in the cargo bay. He did know he wasn't about to ask.

"Everybody out!" She didn't yell, but there was no mistaking the anger in her voice as she issued the order. Ashley, Wrex, Garrus, and the requisition officer, whose name she didn't remember, cleared the room in what seemed like seconds.

"Commander, I…" Kaidan started to speak, wanting to apologize for what had happened at Flux. To explain himself. But he was suddenly cut off as he was hit with a biotic wave that knocked him across the room and straight into the wall. He felt the air knocked out of him and then groaned when he hit the floor.

"Get up." She growled, as she made her way towards him.

He used his arms to lift himself into a sitting position against the wall, shaking his head slightly to try and get rid of the dazed feeling he had.

"Get up, Alenko!" She didn't wait for him to act, instead she lifted him with her biotics and threw him against the wall again, this time pinning him there. "Do I look helpless to you, Alenko?"

"What?" He was still stunned form the second throw, confused.

"Do I look helpless to you?" She was standing directly in front of him now, about a foot away from the spot where she still held him against the wall.

"No, Commander."

She moved closer, her face almost touching his. When she spoke, her voice was low and menacing. The same voice he'd heard her use with the clerk at the embassies when she was trying to get that marine's body back to her husband. He reacted the same way he had then, he shivered, but this time it was more out of fear than arousal. Although, if he was honest with himself, he'd never felt more attracted to her as he did now. Her emerald eyes were glowing and alive, her skin was flush with anger and her nostrils were flaring. She was breathing deeply, her chest rising and falling slowly. He cursed himself, and tried to focus on the fact he was pretty sure she looked like that because she wanted to kill him. "Do I look like a child to you, Alenko?"

He took a deep breath, and swallowed, hard. "No, ma'am."

"Then why are you and the Captain making deals behind my back? Why are you treating me like a child in front of my marines? Why are you second guessing my orders on the ground?" She spoke slowly, menacingly.

The last one surprised him. He'd followed her orders without hesitation every time they'd been on a mission. He couldn't argue with the first two, though. Had the Captain told her about their talk? "Commander, the Captain just wanted to make sure we had your back, all of us. There were no deals."

"Did he or did he not ask you to look after me?"

"Well technically, Commander, he didn't. He only said it was important that I...that we, the crew be there to back you up."

She looked into his eyes. He was telling the truth, but what difference did it make? David might as well have said 'keep an eye on her', he said as much to her, but yet he didn't. (Fuck.) She turned away from Kaidan. David was like a father to her, and she'd never had that. He shouldn't have said anything to Kaidan, but could she blame him? Could she really be angry at him for worrying about her, for actually giving a fuck what happened to her? She clenched her fist as she struggled to stop the tears that were gathering from spilling out. Damn it, she wanted to be angry. It was so much easier than what was left. Than the guilt. Then she remembered her other problem. She let Kaidan drop behind her.

Kaidan felt the tingle of the biotics disperse a second before he hit the floor, thankfully not as hard as he had the first time. He pushed himself up on his feet and groaned as he felt the pounding in his head begin to grow. He looked up and watched Shepard's back.

"Why did you do it, Kaidan?" Her voice was soft, trembling.

He took a step towards her. He started to raise his hand to her shoulder, but he stopped and dropped it back down to his side. "Shepard, I heard you order that drink and…and I just reacted. All I could think about was the look on your face when we first went to Chora's Den. I saw how tortured you were then, trying to fight the urge to have a drink, I saw the effort it took. The relief on your face when we were finally out of there." He took another few steps and walked around her, stopping when he was standing in front of her. "And most of all, I remember how you looked the morning after we first met. I had the same reaction last night as I did standing in front of that cell 10 years ago."

She flinched at the memory. The look on his face when they first met, his disappointment. She'd done it again, and this time it was worse. She'd been a child then, a young FNG who didn't know any better. What excuse did she have now? She was supposed to be the Commander Shepard. She was supposed to be the first human Spectre. She wasn't some kid anymore, yet she'd acted like one last night. And damn it, she'd acted like one today. Yelling at David, and throwing Kaidan around like a child having a tantrum. Her first instinct had been violence, it always was. "Shit."

"Shepard, I should have gone about things differently last night. I'm sorry. I can swear to you that I didn't say anything to anyone, they all think I was being foolish. For whatever reason they want to imagine." He moved his head to try and get her to look at him, to get her to see that he meant every word he said.

She couldn't look at him. "The next time you have a problem with something I'm doing, bring it to my attention privately, Kaidan. Something like that will never happen again. Understood?"

"Understood, Shepard." He let out a sigh of relief. She began to walk towards the elevator. "Shepard?"

She stopped, but didn't turn around. Still refusing to look at him "Yes, Kaidan?"

It bothered him when she didn't look at him. Just two days ago things had been so different between them. Now he feared he'd crossed a line she wouldn't be able to forget. "I've followed every order, without question. What did you mean?"

"Feros."

"Shepard, I wasn't second guessing you, I…"

"I know, Kaidan. Like I told you before, I want you to speak up. Forget about it, okay? I was angry now, I thought that – Damn it, I thought that David had asked you to keep an eye on me while on the ground. I thought both of you didn't think I could do my job."

He walked up to her again, and this time he did put his hand on her shoulder, pulling on it to force her to turn and face him. "Shepard, look at me." She lifted her head and looked at him. "No matter what happens, I want you to know one thing. In my opinion you are the only one that can do this job. That can bring Saren down. Without you leading this mission, we'd be in big trouble. The Captain knows that, the entire crew knows that, and you know what? Saren knows it."

(I don't.) She gave him a short nod and started walking towards the elevator again. She heard him groan behind her and silently cursed herself for hurting him. She got in the elevator and turned to hit the button. As the door closed she looked out and saw Kaidan leaning against the Mako, his eyes closed. God, she was ass. She noticed Ashley anxiously waiting by the elevator when she reached the crew deck. "Williams, you should probably go down and check on Alenko."

"Yes, ma'am."

With that, Ashley got in the elevator and Lex headed to her cabin.

When Ashley stepped off the elevator the cargo bay was dark, she couldn't even see her hand in front of her face. She turned to the left, towards where she knew she'd find the light controls and turned them on.

Kaidan groaned as the sudden brightness invaded his eyes sending a flash of pain through his skull and bringing on a wave of nausea.

"LT?" She'd sworn she'd heard him groan, but she still couldn't see him.

"Off." He hoped she could hear him, he wasn't sure if he'd said it loud enough although to him it sounded like they were both yelling. Nothing happened, and he risked talking again. Anything to get her to turn off the damn lights. "The lights, Ash, turn them off." He groaned again, and swore he was about to throw up.

"Shit, sorry LT." Ashley rushed back to the controls and turned off the lights. She stood there for a few minutes, waiting. She still wasn't sure where he was, and was pretty sure she'd run into something if she tried to look for him. "LT?" She whispered, knowing that loud noises would also hurt him. "Can I get you anything?"

"I just need to get to the medbay, Ash." She heard him groan again as he struggled to get up from wherever he'd been sitting. She finally saw something move to her right as he neared the open elevator. His hands were over his eyes, trying to block the small amount of light that spilled into the room from the elevator. She waited for him to step inside before following him in and pressing the button to take them up to the crew deck. She watched him as he leaned his forehead against the wall, his arm against his eyes to block out the lights. His other arm across his stomach.

The small jostling of the elevator as it came to a stop seemed like an earthquake to his brain, and he clenched his fists. When the doors opened he felt his way out of the elevator. He heard Ashley step out behind him, and then felt her hand on his elbow. "Come on, LT, I've got ya." All he could manage was a small grunt in response.

Ashley guided him to the medbay. Doctor Chakwas turned towards the door as they walked in, ready to great whomever had arrived but quickly closed her mouth when she saw Kaidan and went straight to work. "Ashley" She whispered. "Turn off the lights and turn on the privacy screens on the windows." As Ashley turned to do as she had requested, Chakwas led Kaidan to one of the nearby beds. "How bad, Kaidan?"

"Bad." He replied, his voice barely above a whisper.

She frowned and walked over to where she kept his medication. Once she administered it, she gave him a few minutes to start to feel the effects before she questioned him, scanning his vitals in the meantime. "Have you been eating enough? Sleeping?"

"I didn't sleep at all last night, Doctor. And I honestly can't remember if I've eaten anything today." He was still whispering, but the worst of the pain was beginning to fade.

"Alenko, you know how important it is that you take care of yourself. Honestly, I'm surprised that you'd let it get this bad."

"Sorry, Doctor."

"Just get some rest, I'll go get you something to eat." She patted his arm and left the medbay.

He was surprised when he heard the footsteps walking towards his bed, and looked over to see Ash. He'd forgotten she was there. "Thanks for the help, Ash, but you don't have to stay." He closed his eyes again and laid his arm across them, the added pressure helping him feel better.

"I know, LT. Just figured you could use the company." She pulled up a chair and sat next to his bed. "Why didn't you tell the doc about the Commander?"

"What about the Commander?" Ashley didn't reply, and he forced himself to peek under his arm and look at her. She lowered her eyes when she saw him. "Ash?"

"Well she seemed really pissed when she came into the cargo bay and she ordered us all out. I mean, even the Krogan looked a bit scared. Maybe." She continued looking down, fidgeting with her fingers. "So I went to the cockpit and asked Joker to put the feed from the cargo bay on the monitors. We saw what happened."

He made a move to raise his head, but had to lay back down as the urge to throw up hit him again. "Ash that was none of your business. Are you just trying to get on her bad side now?"

"Look LT, I was worried, okay? And I was right to be. She threw you against the fucking wall!" She cringed when she realized she had raised her voice and saw him flinch in pain. "You need to tell Chakwas, you might have a concussion or something. She had no right to do that, that's not how a superior officer is…"

"Ash." He cut her off. "The Commander didn't throw me against the wall."

"The hell she didn't, I saw it. And so did Joker!"

"Ash, Shepard threw me against the wall, not the Commander. It was a personal moment, not one between a superior officer and her subordinate."

"Oh, and that makes it alright?"

"No, I guess it doesn't, but that makes it personal and none of your business. We worked it out. It's over. So drop it, okay?"

"LT…."

"Drop it, Ash. Please, I'm asking you as a friend."

She sighed. She didn't like it, but he was her friend and she didn't want to risk that. "Fine, but it better not happen again."

"It won't."

Chakwas came in with his food and Ashley stayed by him as he ate, keeping him company until he finally fell asleep.

* * *

Lex was making herself some coffee, hoping that the caffeine would help with her headache. She knew she should eat something as well, but just the thought of food made her feel sick. She was leaning back against the refrigerator, her eyes closed, when she heard Chakwas nearby.

"Commander, anything wrong?"

"Just a headache, no big deal." She opened her eyes and pulled herself up, no longer leaning.

"Hmm, seems to be the day for that. Don't tell me you haven't eaten or slept either?"

"I slept, and I'll grab something later." She managed a tight smile, hoping Chakwas would leave it at that.

"Well if you need anything for the pain, come to the medbay. You can take the bed next to Alenko."

"Kaidan?" She felt her heart tighten in her chest. "Why is he in the medbay?"

"He has a migraine, seems he has decided that sleeping and eating aren't something to bother with."

"Is that all?" (Fuck, if I've hurt him…)

"Yes, I've run some scans, just a headache." Chakwas looked at Lex curiously. "Anything in particular you're worried about?"

"Uh, just want to be sure he's okay. Do me a favor doctor, run a full work up on him. Let me know if anything comes up. Okay?"

"Of course, Commander." Chakwas grabbed a few energy bars and drinks. "And be sure to eat something."

"I will. Does Kaidan need anything?"

"I'm taking him something to eat now, and Williams is keeping him company, he'll be fine Commander." With that she returned to the medbay.

Lex grabbed her coffee and went to her cabin. Trying not to think about Ashley and Kaidan in the medbay. She was more than ready to get back to work, feeling the need to shoot at something. Repeatedly. She walked over to her desk and looked over the open missions she had, she planned to be very busy for the next few days.


	23. Chapter 23 - Proof

**_** I'd like to give a quick thank you to everyone who has reviewed this story so far: InGuardian1984, Kurosawa-san, Lyv, AngstyShenko, Endrius, Gia, and Zee. And extra special thanks to BozieLillySari for the beta help. And Zee, your reviews make me all blushy! I'm so glad that you all are enjoying this, I'm enjoying the experience.**_**

* * *

_"Message coming in commander. Big Surprise, the alliance needs you again!"_

Lex scowled in the direction of the nearest vid cam, knowing full well Joker would be watching. She was not in the mood for his jokes lately.

_"Shepard, this is Admiral Hackett with Alliance command. We've got a mission for you. Major Kyle, your commanding officer at Torfan, has set up a small compound in the Hawking Eta cluster. He's attracted a number of biotic followers. He's become an outspoken critic of the Alliance, and we believe he's mentally unstable. This could be trouble, Shepard."_

Lex couldn't help but wonder how Major Kyle, who wasn't a biotic, could end up in charge of a biotic compound. "What kind of proof do you have that the major is dangerous?"

_"Three days ago, we sent two Alliance representatives to meet with him at his compound. They have disappeared. We believe Kyle and his followers killed them. That compound is a cult, Shepard. They call him 'Father Kyle' now. He's set himself up as some kind of religious leader."_

Lex didn't know what to think. The man that Hackett was describing sounded nothing like the Major Kyle she had known. "What else can you tell me about Major Kyle?"

_"He's not the same man you served under. He feels responsible for all the Alliance soldiers who died at Torfan." _

Major Kyle had nothing to do with what happened at Torfan, he knew that. He hadn't even been there when she'd given the order.

_"His psych evaluations showed he couldn't handle the stress of command any more. He was given an honorable discharge and early retirement. We'd hoped he would get better in time, but we underestimated how far gone he was. Now it looks like it's too late."_

"What were those Alliance representatives going there to talk to Kyle about?"

_"They wanted to bring him back to an Alliance facility for treatment. Major Kyle served us faithfully for many years. We weren't going to abandon him."_

Not like she had. She hadn't even thought about the Major in years. She'd never considered what affect Torfan had had on him, on any of the others that had lived through it. She'd been too wrapped up in her own guilt and misery.

_"Given his state of mind, however, he probably saw them as a threat. We're almost certain he had his followers kill them."_

He'd become a murderer. (Because of me. I did this to him.) "How permanent a solution are you looking for?"

_"We don't want this to turn into a massacre, Commander. Kyle is dangerous. I trust you to use your judgment. Hackett out."_

"Joker, head to the coordinates that Hackett sent." She paused to think for a moment before speaking again. "Tell Alenko and Liara to gear up."

_"Aye, aye, ma'am."_

It had been a few days since the incident in the cargo bay, and she hadn't taken Kaidan on any of the missions they'd done in the meantime. She hadn't even spoken to him. She figured he would be eager to get off the ship and she needed all the biotic muscle she could get if they were going to face a whole compound of biotics. No matter how uncomfortable the thought of being around Kaidan made her.

* * *

As they started out towards the location of the compound, Kaidan couldn't help but feel apprehensive. This was the first time in days that he'd spent more than a couple of minutes in the same space as Shepard. Whenever he entered a room, she would leave it. He'd wanted to talk to her again, but she wouldn't agree to see him and was keeping her cabin locked at all times. And now to make matters worse, he had to ride in the Mako with her again. It started off smoothly enough, until they realized that the compound was on the other side of a huge mountain. He'd hoped that since there was no actual time limit in which to reach the compound she'd find a way around it, but she didn't even seem to consider that an option. Within minutes they were bouncing around inside the Mako. He could hear Liara behind him as she tried to keep herself as centered as possible. He even felt the familiar tingle of biotics and realized she was trying to use them to lessen the blows. The worst of it was that Shepard didn't even seem to be enjoying herself like she had the first time he'd been one of her unlucky passengers. She seemed on edge, and he wondered if it was because of him or the mission. Or both. When they barely avoided being flipped over for a second time, he spoke up.

"Shepard, I thought you were done trying to kill me!"

Lex slammed on the breaks, bringing the Mako to an abrupt stop. She looked over at Kaidan, shock on her face. "God, Kaidan, I thought Chakwas had cleared you? I'm sorry, if I would have known I would have gone around." She felt horrible. She should have left him back on the Normandy. She hadn't been paying attention really, all she could think about was Major Kyle, and Torfan.

Kaidan chuckled. "Shepard, I'm fine. I just wanted you to stop driving like a maniac."

It took a moment for what he said to sink in. When it did she'd been upset by his joke, but as she watched him smiling at her for the first time in what seemed like ages, she felt herself relax. "You bastard." She growled out at him, but she was smiling. The tension between them finally thinning a bit for the first time in days. "Oh, that wasn't driving like a maniac. I'll show you driving like a maniac, Alenko!"

"Goddess!" Liara closed her eyes and held on for dear life as Shepard sped off towards the edge of a nearby cliff.

* * *

_"This is a private sanctuary. Outsiders are not welcome here."_

"I need to talk to the man in charge. It's important." Lex insisted.

_"Father Kyle wants nothing more to do with the Alliance."_

Lex sighed and looked over at Kaidan before she replied. "I served with him on Torfan. My name is Commander Shepard. Major Kyle knows me. I have to speak to him."

(So then it wasn't me, at least not most of it.) Kaidan now understood why Shepard had seemed nervous and tense earlier.

_"Wait."_ There was a short pause, and then the man returned to the comm. _"Father Kyle will speak with you. Head to the building at the far end of the compound. He'll meet you there."_

Lex started to walk towards the other compound. She wasn't surprised when Kaidan came alongside her and spoke. "Shepard, who is this Major Kyle?"

"He was my CO during the Torfan raid. Hackett thinks I'll be able to talk him into coming back to the Alliance for help."

Kaidan took a moment to think about what Hackett was asking of her. "Why would he do that to you, Shepard? Ask you to talk to the man that was responsible for …"

Lex stopped abruptly and turned to look at Kaidan. "Kaidan, Major Kyle was a great CO, and I was honored to serve under him. I'd be careful about the next words to come out of your mouth." Her words were stern, but not angry. She looked sad.

"Alright, Shepard. I didn't mean…I just don't think it's right to make you do this."

"No one is making me do anything, Kaidan. I have to do this, it's my responsibility." She started walking towards the second building again.

* * *

"I know you. The Butcher of Torfan. Why have you come here, Shepard? Why can't you leave us alone?" Major Kyle asked.

Kaidan saw Shepard wince when the Major had called her the Butcher of Torfan. She wore that title like a Scarlet Letter A, her great shame.

Lex could hardly believe that the man standing in front of her was her former CO. This man looked small and weak, although he was trying to take on a look of authorization and power, she could see right through him. The Major Kyle she had known had been a force to be reckoned with. He'd been strong, intelligent, and one hell of a soldier. He'd also been a CO she'd respected and admired. "Major, I need to know what happened to the other Alliance officers, the ones who came before me."

"They wanted to take me away from here! They wanted me to abandon this place. Turn my back on my family. They spoke blasphemy!" Kaidan could tell the Major was agitated and unstable, and he couldn't help but think this situation was not going to end well. Worse was the look on Shepard's face, where as he felt wary of the man, and Liara seemed to look at him with pity, Shepard looked guilty. "I did what I could to make their end quick and painless. I had no other choice. It was necessary to protect my children. Only I can keep them safe."

Kaidan was horrified. The man was clearly insane. "By committing murder?" He felt a hand on his arm, and felt Shepard pull him back gently. A pleading look on her face.

"You call me a murderer for protecting my children when you stand here with her? With a butcher who caused the deaths of many and did it with a smile on her face? Who enjoyed it?" Kaidan felt Shepard's grip tighten on his arm, stopping him from responding to Kyle's claim.

Shepard let go of Kaidan's arm and turned back towards the Major. "The Alliance sent me to bring you in, Major. Can't you see this has gotten out of hand? Don't you understand you're endangering your followers?"

"I respect that you have come under a banner of peace, but I cannot do as you ask. If you take away their father, my children will be helpless."

Lex tensed. She knew what she had to do, but hated it. "If you don't come with me, all your followers will end up dead. What kind of father lets his children die?" She paused to let her words sink in before continuing. "You know me, Major. I'll do what I have to do."

"No! This…this is my fault. My children are innocent. Pure. Please…I never meant for this to happen. I'm…I'm sorry."

"I don't want an apology. You have to come with me, Major." She stepped forward to take him into custody.

The Major took a step back, raising his hands. "Wait. If my children see you taking me away, they won't understand. They will attack and you will be forced to kill them all." The certainty of his words felt like a knife stabbing at her heart, worse was the knowledge that he was right. "You have shown me the error of my ways, Shepard. Now you must give me time to explain it to them. It is the only way they will understand. Please, give me one hour. After that, I will meet the Alliance authorities at the gates of my compound and surrender without violence. I give you my word."

It killed her to see him beg. To have him so sure that was the only way he might be able to get some mercy from her.

"I'm going to trust you, Major. Don't let me regret it."

"I will not betray you, Shepard. Thank you for this." The major left the room, on his way to tell his followers he was leaving.

"Joker can have the Fifth Fleet pick Major Kyle up. I just hope you know what you're doing Shepard." Kaidan turned to follow the Major out of the room, leaving Shepard and Liara alone.

"Are you alright, Commander?" Liara didn't know what to do. She'd been reading about Shepard's history since joining the Normandy, and she was aware of what had happened on Torfan. But she didn't know what would be appropriate to say in a moment like this.

Lex nodded. "I just need a moment, Liara. I'll be fine."

* * *

Kaidan waited until the Major had finished talking to a group of his followers, then walked up to stand by the man. "Major, I hope what happened here today proves to you that the commander is not a murderer. You and your followers killed two Alliance Officers. She did what she did in the line of duty. She didn't have to give you this chance to end things peacefully."

"Lieutenant….ah?"

"Alenko."

"Lieutenant Alenko, Shepard was one of my best marines. There was no one more dedicated to the job and the uniform. I had no doubt she'd be somebody important in the Alliance one day. Then Torfan happened."

"I wasn't at Torfan, sir, but I can tell you that despite what happened there still isn't anyone more dedicated to the uniform or the Alliance. And she's the first human Spectre, which she couldn't have done if she didn't deserve it."

Major Kyle didn't reply, instead he pulled up his omni-tool and began typing. "Lieutenant, I've just sent you something you should look at. I think it will go a long way to ridding you of your misplaced hero worship of Shepard." With that, Major Kyle left to speak to the remainder of his followers.

Kaidan looked at the message he received from the Major. It contained one vid file and some documents.

* * *

Lex left the spot in the shadows she'd been standing. She'd heard the entire conversation between the Major and Kaidan. The Major's words had made her feel hollow, and she could feel the familiar sinking feeling as it took hold of her. She saw the Major pull up his omni-tool as he sent something to Kaidan, and she knew. She knew what Kaidan now had. She'd felt a moment of panic, a desire to run up to Kaidan and demand that he erase the message, but she hadn't moved. After everything that had happened recently he was still defending her, he was still making an effort to fix things between them. He needed to know everything. He needed to see for himself that what happened in the cargo bay wasn't a random moment of rage. He needed to know the kind of monster she really was. Maybe then, when he understood, when he started to look at her like most people did. Then she'd be able to stop thinking about him.


	24. Chapter 24 - Take Them Down

They'd barely made it back on to the Normandy when Hackett had contacted her asking for help with another group of biotics. This time a group of terrorists that had kidnapped a chairman. "What are the biotics asking for?"

_"They're L2 biotics, and most of them are suffering major side effects from the implants."_ Lex looked over at Kaidan who just so happened to be in the CIC. She could tell that he was listening carefully, but beyond that he showed nothing else. _"The chairman's subcommittee recently denied a request for reparations to all L2 biotics."_ At that, she could swear that she saw him scowl, but he recovered quickly and a second later was back to showing no emotion. _"Apparently, they'd like the chairman to reconsider."_

"What's the priority on saving the chairman?"

_"Saving him would be my preference, but we must make it clear that these tactics don't work, Commander."_

"Understood, Admiral. I'll see what I can do." Lex stepped toward the comm room and motioned for Kaidan to follow her. Once inside, she turned to speak to him. "Kaidan, considering the circumstances, I'll understand if you want to pass on this assignment."

"No Shepard, I want to go. I know what these people are going through, but that doesn't justify what they're doing. I can do my job, Commander." He was at parade rest. His face a stern mask. He seemed to be pouring every bit of himself into his control. Lex hated seeing him like this.

"That's not what I meant, Kaidan. I have no doubt you'll do what I need you to do, if it comes to that, but I'm telling you that you don't have to. I wouldn't ask it of you."

He seemed to relax a bit, and his face softened as he looked at her. "Thank you, Shepard. I appreciate that, but I want to be there. Maybe I can talk some sense into them."

Lex nodded. "Maybe you can. In fact, I want you to take lead in the negotiations."

He looked shocked. "Shepard, I don't think I'm qualified…"

"Oh and I'm what you'd call a skillful diplomat and negotiator? Come on, Kaidan, you know that's not my strong point. And although I'm a biotic, I can't relate to them. I don't know what it's like to be an L2, but you do. You can do this."

"Alright, Shepard." Kaidan replied. He didn't see the sense in arguing with her, she'd made a decision and she wouldn't change her mind. And if he was honest with himself, he wanted to do this.

* * *

"See how it is? You write letters, and everyone ignores you. Force is the only thing people appreciate." The leader of the biotics said, as he held a gun to the chairman's head. "So how about if I kill Chairman Burns and finish this charade?"

"Please! I was trying to help you people!" The chairman was practically yelling, and Lex could tell that he was terrified.

Kaidan took a step forward. "Let's not do anything we're all going to regret."

The leader was looking down at the chairman, barely sparing a glance at Kaidan and Lex. "Why not? What have we got to lose? Since the chairman decided that we didn't get reparations, we've got nothing left to live for!"

"But I've changed my mind! Seeing y-you all, it's c-clear that you all d-deserve…" The chairman could hardly get the words out of his mouth.

The leader interrupted him. "You had your chance. Some L2s are nearly crippled from side effects of the implants, but you voted against reparations. And the implants are just one of the things we're owed for!"

"Think about this. Burns is the one man who can help you!" Kaidan was speaking louder than necessary, hoping the leader would pay attention to him and take his focus away from the chairman.

"Yes! If you release me I can take another look at the reparations request."

The gunman scoffed at the chairman. "What, we're supposed to trust you?"

"Look, I'm an L2, like you. Trust me." With that Kaidan finally got the man's attention. The leader looked at Kaidan now, paying attention for the first time. Kaidan motioned to Lex. "The Commander can make sure that Burns follows through."

"I know you." Now Kaidan had the gunman's full attention. "I know you! How can you try and help this man after what happened? After what they did to us? After what they made you do?"

Kaidan didn't say anything, confused by the man's words. Maybe he was delusional because of the implant. "I'm sorry, I don't…"

"Kai…Kaidan. Kaidan Alenko!" Lex looked at Kaidan, whose shocked face mirrored hers. Kaidan gave her a shrug. "I was there that day. I saw it, I saw Vyrnnus. I saw what you did. How can you stand there and defend him?"

Lex saw Kaidan's face pale, and his carefully constructed control waver. "You were at Brain Camp? I don't remember you."

"I was a couple of years younger than you. But I remember you. Everyone from there knows who you are. You saved us."

"I didn't mean…I…"

"It happened because of what they did to us. Because they didn't care about us, only results! And now they owe us, you of all people have got to understand that!"

"I do." Kaidan took a couple of steps towards the gunman. "I know what it's like, but this isn't going to help. If you die fighting, you'll get a lot of biotics killed as well."

"What do you mean?"

"You just made all L2s look like terrorists. Think of what will happen to them. Why do you think the records of what happened at Jump Zero are sealed? What do you think people would say if they knew what happened there? What I did?" Kaidan was tense, his fists were clenched. He just wanted this to end and he wanted to get off this damn ship. He looked over at Shepard and saw the questioning look she gave him. He sighed, knowing he'd have to explain everything to her when this was over.

"But people need to hear about what the government has done, and what it failed to do!"

"People have heard. You've accomplished that. You don't need to die for it." Kaidan put his hand out towards the gunman. "Stop this now, and let the people know that we aren't killers. That they don't need to fear us."

The gunman took a step back, lowering his weapon away from the chairman. "You're right. I don't want to die. Maybe something will happen this time." He put his gun in Kaidan's hand. "We surrender."

Lex walked over to the chairman and helped him up, while Kaidan took the gunman into custody. "Thank you, Commander. I thought I was dead when they took me."

"Don't thank me, chairman. Lieutenant Alenko, is the man you have to thank. An L2 saved your life today, don't you forget that." Lex replied.

"I won't forget. I'll see to it that the reparations discussion is reopened. I didn't know they were so desperate."

Lex nodded. "The Fifth Fleet cruiser will be by shortly to pick you and the prisoners up. I suggest you use this time to find out everything you didn't know."

* * *

Lex was lying in bed, exhausted, but her mind was racing. She couldn't stop thinking about everything that had happened in the past two days. She couldn't stop thinking about Kaidan. Had he seen the files that Major Kyle had sent him? Did he know the truth? And what the hell was that gunman talking about? What had Kaidan done that led to the end of the BAaT program? She let out a frustrated sigh, and got out of bed. She wasn't going to sleep, she knew that. She walked over to her desk, figuring that if she couldn't sleep she could at least get some work done. She'd just picked up a datapad when her door chimed. "Come in."

Kaidan walked through the door. He looked like she felt, and she knew he hadn't been able to sleep either. "What's up, Kaidan?"

"Shepard, I'd like to talk to you about what happened today." He replied.

"Of course, sit down." She motioned him to the same seat he'd occupied the last time they'd talked in her cabin. As she sat down next to him, she hoped this conversation would go better than the last.

Kaidan took a deep breath before beginning. "Before I met Vyrnnus, I knew as much as any other civilian. Aliens were weird, superior, and tried to tell us what to do. I mean, it's only be 26 years since first contact. That's not a lot of time to understand them. It was Vyrnnus who made me see how human aliens are. They're not different or special. They're jerks and saints just like us. Hell, by the time I got payback, I didn't even want it anymore."

Lex didn't say anything. Knowing he had to tell her everything at his own pace. She could see how difficult just thinking about whatever had happened was for him.

"He hurt Rahna. Broke her arm. She reached for a glass of water instead of pulling it biotically. She just wanted a drink without getting a nosebleed, you know? Like an idiot, I stood up. Didn't know what I was going to do…just something. And Vyrnnus lost it. Beat the crap out of me. Kept shouting how they should have bombed us back into the Stone Age. That's when the knife came up. A military-issue talon. Right in my face. I cut loose. Full biotic kick, right in the teeth. Almost as strong as I can manage now. At seventeen, that's something." Kaidan looked away, staring at the wall as if he suddenly found something very interesting on it.

"Sat down by a kid. Vyrnnus must have hated that." She could only imagine how someone as worried about control as Kaidan would feel about losing control and striking back in anger.

"He didn't have time to hate it." He looked her in the eye. "I killed him, Shepard."

"Kaidan..." She didn't know what to say. She wanted to reach out to him, but she didn't dare touch him, not after what she'd done to him.

Kaidan just kept talking. "Snapped his neck. They probably could've saved him, if they got him to an infirmary quick enough. But they didn't. Caused a stir when they shipped him home. BAaT training was shut down. Conatix folded a couple of years later. It's funny. I'm not sure which of us got the worst of what happened."

"What about Rahna? Was she alright?"

"Rahna? Yeah. Yeah, she was fine. We never really, uh – We stopped talking after that." He looked away again, but she saw the pain in his eyes.

"Why? I don't understand." He'd almost gotten himself killed for her. Heck, he'd killed a man to protect her. Why would he let her go after that? Was it the guilt? She thought she could understand that.

Kaidan got up and stepped away from the table, his back to her while he replied. "Rahna had a gentle heart. She loved everyone. Vyrnnus terrified her. We all protected her from him. Everyone who – E-Everyone who loved her. But after what I did to him, she was terrified of me, too."

(Well fuck her then.) Lex got up and walked up to Kaidan. "You were defending yourself Kaidan, hell you were defending her, I don't understand how she could do that to you. You deserved her support after that, not fear. How could she ever look at you and see anything but a caring man?" He turned and looked at her, and the look on his face made her take a step back, for fear she'd put her arms around him instead. "So that's why you're so self-controlled."

He shook his head. "I'm no more disciplined than any other biotic, Shepard. This is all ancient history. I'm over it."

"Rahna's rejection changed you. You agonize over doing the right thing. You never let yourself lose control. Because Rahna spurned you after Vyrnnus died." She couldn't keep the anger out of her voice. Anger towards a girl she'd never met, but who she'd disliked since the first mention of her name. First because she'd had Kaidan's heart, and now because she'd hurt him.

"All right. Maybe you have a point. Maybe. But I'm okay. You don't have to worry about me." He smiled at her, a small smile, but it was real and she thought it was the best thing she'd seen all day. "Fully functional human being. I won't be a burden on you. On the crew."

Without thinking, Lex moved forward and put her hand on his shoulder. "You're not a burden, Kaidan. You could never be that to… the crew. You're a strong man. Talking about this doesn't make you a whiner, and it doesn't make you immature. It makes you human."

"All right. But it's embarrassing you had to tell me that. You're right. I might need to loosen up. A little. I'll try."

They didn't say anything for a moment, and Lex suddenly realized how close they were. She could feel the heat from his body under her hand. She knew she should move, step back, but she couldn't. All she wanted to do was move closer. She wanted feel him wrap his arms around her. She looked into his eyes. Those beautiful brown eyes that had somehow put her under a spell ten years earlier. Because what other reason could there be for how this man had buried himself so deep into her thoughts?

Kaidan felt like he was caught in a trance. The feel of her touching him was overwhelming and the way she was looking at him was tugging at his control. After everything he'd just told her, she was comforting him. She didn't care. Actually, she'd seemed upset not by what he'd done, but by how Rahna had reacted. His worst memory of that day wasn't killing Vyrnnus, although he regretted that, but the way Rahna had looked at him. Rejected him. To Rahna, that one act had transformed him into something fearful. Something she couldn't tolerate. It had broken his heart. Shepard was right, his control and his need to focus solely on work had been because of Rahna. He had spent all these years trying to prove to Rahna that he was more than what he'd done that day, but she'd never know it.

Lex was watching Kaidan. She could see him thinking, and she smiled. That was when she realized how often she would just find herself staring at him while he thought something through, like when he was working on that damn terminal outside her cabin. The look of concentration on his face as he tried to figure out the problem. How long had she been doing that? She didn't know, but she did know that she loved watching him trying to solve a problem or think something though. She loved the way his brow would crease, and the small pout that would form on his lips. He looked down at her lips when he saw her smile, and she gasped when she saw how his face changed. He raised his eyes to hers and her pulse began to race. He was looking at her with such intensity, with such heat, she had to look away.

Kaidan couldn't take his eyes off of her. He could barely catch his breath as the desire to touch her nearly overwhelmed him. He ached to touch her, but didn't dare. When she looked away from him, he fought the urge to turn her face towards his and show her with one kiss how badly he wanted her. It wouldn't take much, he just had to lift his hand. He just had to pull her in close and he'd finally taste the lips he'd been dreaming of for ten years. Her hand slid off his shoulder and gripped his bicep. He watched as her breathing quickened, and her skin flushed. She licked her lips and he wondered if she was thinking about a kiss, their kiss. She'd been the one to put a stop to his advances, in this very room, not too long ago. And since that day things had happened that had convinced him that starting something with Shepard would probably be the worst thing he could ever do. He'd damaged the trust she'd had in him, and she'd let her anger take over and hurt him. But still, he couldn't stop thinking about her. He couldn't stop caring.

Lex held on to Kaidan's arm, fearing that she might fall if she let go. She felt breathless and weak, overpowered by arousal building inside of her. She looked at him again and shivered at the look he gave her. She didn't dare move. She'd hurt him just a few days ago, she should just step back and stop this before it was too late. So why wasn't she moving.

"Shepard." It was more than her name, it was a question. He wouldn't risk taking a chance again, just to be rejected…again. He'd thought she'd wanted him before, and he'd been wrong. He saw the look of doubt in her eyes now, her apprehension. He felt himself pull back, and her grip on his arm loosen. The moment was starting to slip away from them, and he couldn't work up the courage to stop it. He sighed, and reached for her hand on his arm. He held it for a moment as he spoke. "Thank you, for listening. I hope you know I consider you a friend, and your words meant a lot to me. I'm glad that we've managed to get past what happened before."

Lex tried not to show Kaidan her disappointment. He'd gone from looking at her with what she had thought was barely contained passion, to…well, she didn't know what. Had she just imagined everything? Had her imagination and her own desire played tricks on her mind? He'd called her a friend. She guessed she should be happy with that. She didn't deserve that much after she'd attacked him, but still he saw her as one. Her heart ached, wanting more, but she needed to face the fact that it wasn't going to happen. She'd pushed him away for good, and even if she hadn't imagined what had just happened between them, it was obvious he didn't want to act on it. "Don't thank me, Kaidan. If we're really friends, then I guess that's what friends do. Thank you, I promise I won't… I promise I'll do what I can to really earn what you've given so generously."

* * *

He nodded and let go of her hand. "Good night, Shepard." He left her room, and headed towards the officer's deck. He needed a cold shower. No, he needed Shepard, but he'd would settle for the shower. Once he'd finished his shower he stood in his cabin and looked at his bed. He was tired, but he knew he wouldn't be getting any sleep. He pulled up his omni-tool, deciding to check his messages, knowing his parents had probably sent him one days ago. They'd be worrying soon if he didn't reach out. He saw the message from Major Kyle then. He hadn't had a chance to open it yet, the hostage situation coming up just as they'd arrived back on the Normandy. He sat at his desk and pulled up the first file, reading the first page.

**Subject:**

**Statement by Corporal Matthew Rogers concerning the events during the raid of Torfan in 2158.**

**Summary:**

Corporal Rogers has stated that he arrived at the bunker where the incident took place at 2200 hours. Once inside the bunker, Corporal Rogers states that he witnessed First Lieutenant Alexandra Shepard standing in the center of the room in what he describes as hysterics. He also notes that the room was filled with the bodies of the batarian raiders and members of First Lieutenant Shepard's squad. They were also several injured squad members. No batarians were found to be alive. The Corporal goes on to say that when First Lieutenant Shepard was approached in the attempt to escort her out of the bunker, she began to scream, saying: "I killed them all. I killed them all." It is the Corporal's opinion that she seemed to be boasting, in his words: "She sounded like she had just accomplished something great." He then states that First Lieutenant Shepard began screaming the word "No" repeatedly while backing away from himself and the other men in the room. He states: "It was like she was scared we'd attack her or something, and then that made us worried she'd go after us." He then observed her sit in a corner of the room, resting her head on her service pistol, where she remained, unresponsive to anyone who approached her.

Kaidan read the rest of the file then, and all the files after that one. He read Major Kyle's debriefing and Anderson's as well. Apparently, Anderson had been the first to arrive and he'd been the one who had gotten Shepard to leave. Kaidan read Anderson's report twice, and sensed the Captain had only given enough information to satisfy the Alliance, leaving out what truly was said between him and Shepard. File after file he saw a common link, one that the Major had mentioned himself. They all talked about how at one point she had seemed to be enjoying the killing. The men who'd entered the bunker with her had said it, and the ones who had found them later had repeated the statement of the Corporal in the first file. She'd seemed to be boasting about what she'd done, like she enjoyed it. Kaidan couldn't believe it.

He could believe that she'd lost control, that she'd killed as many as they said she did, but not that she'd enjoyed it. He knew what she was capable of, he'd had first had experience of her rage, but he'd also seen the torment her actions had caused her. He knew she regretted what she'd done.

The other thing he noticed was that every single surviving member of the squad that had entered the bunker with her had agreed that she made the right decision. They all doubted the batarians were truly going to turn themselves in, and they all suspected that they were planning something. Had the Major ignored those statements? Had his PTSD not allowed him to see anything but the horror of that day? Was he so intent on blaming Shepard for what happened that he'd only focused on what many described as her breakdown? Kaidan pulled up the final file, the vid file. He was pretty sure he knew what was on it, but he hesitated. Did he want to see what happened that day? Reading about it had been bad enough, but to see her breakdown for himself was something else entirely. "Damn it, she lived it. I can at least watch it." He started the vid, which as he'd correctly guessed, turned out to be a helm cam recording of the squad entering the bunker. He watched everything play out on the vid. He heard Shepard before he saw her, announcing themselves as they entered the room, letting the batarians know they were coming down to escort them out of the bunker. Then he saw her as she walked past the soldier with the helm cam and entered the room first. Within seconds of them entering the room the batarians opened fire on them. He heard Shepard order her squad to "Take them down." And after that it was chaos. He could barely make out what was happening as the vid jumped around. Then suddenly the camera stopped moving. Like someone had dropped in on the floor. Kaidan knew that meant the soldier was dead. He saw Shepard step in front of the camera then. She wasn't using her weapon anymore, only her biotics. He saw as she threw batarians around like rag dolls. Like she'd done to him, but not quite. He saw the power she used in the vid, and realized how much she'd held back when she hit him. He wondered if she had been aware of that.

He saw it then, as he watched her take down the remaining batarians. She was smiling. But it wasn't the smile he knew, the one that took his breath away. This smile chilled him to the bone. This smile wasn't her, it was like she was possessed. Eventually she stopped. She stood and looked around the room. He heard her laugh then, and it sent a shiver down his spine. Her laugh was erratic, and sounded like it was mixed in with her cries. He was sure he would have seen her tears if he'd had been able to see her face. He heard her say something, and had to rewind the vid and raise the volume in order to make it out. _"I did it Marks. I did it. They're all dead, Marks."_

* * *

**_**Okay, this ended up being a lot longer than I thought it would! And I actually had to stop myself from writing more! I hope you all enjoy it, and that it makes sense towards the end there. I'm rather tired and I'm not sure my proofreading skills are working right now. :P **_**


	25. Chapter 25 - Patient

_**** First a big thank you to all my reviewers and followers. (Zee, please sign up for the site so I can reply to your reviews!)**_

_**Okay, this is a big one. Biggest chapter so far. I considered cutting it up into two chapters, but I didn't think it worked that way, so here we are. Hope you guys like it. And please share your thoughts, this one was a killer to write. ****_

* * *

"We'll be docking at Arcturus Station tomorrow, before heading to Noveria. The crew will be granted leave for the duration of our stay, which should be no more than 24 hours. That's it folks, dismissed." Lex turned her attention to the reports in her hands as the officers exited the comm room. It wasn't until she heard Kaidan clear his throat that she realized he hadn't left. "Yes, Kaidan?"

Kaidan tried not to be bothered by the fact that she had only glanced at him and gone right back to looking at the datapad in her hand. Although things between them were not as bad as they had been after the cargo bay incident, they had spoken only about duty rosters and assignments in the past two days. He was sure she was going out of her way to avoid him, but hadn't made much of an effort to change that. He'd had a lot to think about. "Shepard, I'd like to request some of your time while we're docked at Arcturus Station."

"Kaidan, like I said, the crew is on leave while we're on the station. That includes you. We can discuss whatever it is you want to talk about while we're on our way to Noveria." She answered, still not bothering to look at him.

"This isn't business Shepard, this is a personal matter."

At that Lex looked up from her reports and at Kaidan. He had a determined look on his face, and she had a feeling he wouldn't take no for an answer. "Fine, I'll be in with the Admiral for most of the day, but I can meet you in my office at 2000 hours."

Kaidan frowned. "Actually, I'd prefer it if we met someplace else."

She raised her eyebrow at him. "Why?"

Kaidan hesitated, suddenly nervous. He'd expected this question and had practiced his answer who knows how many times, but now his mind was blank. "I'd like to avoid, uh…distractions. And I don't think this is something we should talk about anywhere else on the Normandy."

So he considered what had happened the other night in her cabin, his attraction to her a distraction? Well at least now she knew she hadn't imagined it. She knew sentiment and emotion mattered to Kaidan, he wasn't the type that would let his body dictate his actions. So apparently he had no problem finding her physically attractive, but the thought of being with someone like her was something he couldn't tolerate. And he was determined to avoid temptation again. Lex felt her chest tighten.

"Shepard?"

Lex realized he was still waiting for a reply. "Well then, do you have any suggestions?"

* * *

Lex pulled at the neck of her dress blues as she sat waiting outside of Admiral Hackett's office. She was sure he made her wait on purpose, knowing how much she hated wearing the formal uniform. (I bet he's watching me on some vid now, a big smirk on his face.)

"Commander, the Admiral will see you now."

Lex nodded at the receptionist and entered Hackett's office. She walked up to his desk and stood at attention, giving him a crisp salute. Unlike with Anderson, when she was with the Admiral, she tried not to ignore the regs.

"At ease, Commander. Have a seat."

"Thank you, sir." She said as she sat in the chair furthest away from the Admiral.

"We'll be meeting the committee in a few minutes, but I wanted a chance to check in with you first. At lot of things have happened in a short amount of time, you becoming a Spectre and taking over as CO of the Normandy being chief among them. I wanted to see how you were doing."

Lex tensed. She knew Anderson wouldn't have said anything about her falling off the wagon, but that didn't mean Hackett wouldn't have found out. She wasn't naïve enough to think he didn't keep tabs on her. "I'm fine, sir."

Steven Hackett was no fool, and he knew that she was lying. She had dark circles under her eyes and she looked thinner than she'd been the last time he'd seen her. David had told him as much, but he'd assured Steven that she was handling everything well. Of course, Steven knew his old friend had a soft spot for her and wouldn't tell him everything, so he'd used other resources at his disposal and found out the truth. She'd fallen off the wagon, once so far. And she'd attacked one of her officers, an officer she was apparently growing closer to than she should be. David had at least told him about that, insisting it was a good thing. Steven didn't see how her risking her career for an on ship fling could be a good thing, and he'd told his friend as much. David had countered that she was a different person around this Lieutenant Alenko, that he was good for her. So far, he'd seen no evidence of that. "Alexandra."

(Shit.) He was the only person in the galaxy that had ever called her that, and she was sure this too was something he did because he knew she hated it. It also confirmed that he knew something about what had been happening with her. "Admiral." She knew she was being a stubborn ass, but she wasn't in the mood to have a heart to heart with him now.

"Alexandra, the stakes are too high for you to play games with me. I need to know that you can handle this, and right now, I'm not too sure."

"I am handling it, sir. Unless you'd like to point out a mission or assignment where I have let you down in the last few weeks?"

"You know there are none, you always go above and beyond for us, and don't think I'm not proud of that. You know that's not what I was referring to. I want to make sure you are okay, that you can handle this without risking…"

She interrupted him. "What? Risking losing it again? That's what you're worried about, right?"

"Alexandra, I'm worried about you. That you aren't taking care of yourself, or are you telling me that you are at 100%? I'm also worried about how you are running your ship."

"If you don't think I can handle the Normandy, then give it back to David! I didn't want it in the first place, it's his ship." She bit her lip to stop herself from saying more, and took a deep breath. "Look, I'm fine, I just need some sleep, and we've been pretty busy lately. I'll catch up while we're here."

"What about Lieutenant Alenko?" He asked.

(What the fuck, do I have 'I have the hots for my Lieutenant' written on my face?) "I'm sure he'll get some sleep, too." Okay, so she was a smart ass.

Steven gave her a stern look. "Alexandra, this isn't a joke. This is your career we are talking about. If, no, when this becomes an issue you are the one that will pay the highest price."

"Sir, I don't know what you think is going on, but I can assure you that nothing inappropriate has happened between me and any member of my crew. I can understand if you doubt me, but Lieutenant Alenko is a by-the-book marine, and he would not risk his career for someone like me." She cringed as she said the last words, knowing she'd gone too far, showed him more than she'd meant to.

"Damn it, Alexandra if he was going to risk his career for someone, he'd be lucky if it were you. Why the hell are you the only one in this galaxy that can't see that? You've been to hell and back multiple times in your short life, and you've beaten the odds each and every single time. You're a god damn Spectre. The first human to ever receive the honor. Do you think you got that any other way but earning it?" (Hell am I trying to discourage this thing with her subordinate or encourage it?) He hadn't meant to sound like he was giving the go ahead, but he was frustrated with her continued lack of self. It had been a constant with her since the day he'd first met her, and it had only gotten worse after Torfan.

Lex didn't reply. She couldn't, because she feared she wouldn't be able to say anything without crying. And she didn't cry, at least not when someone else could see her.

_"Admiral, the committee is on the line."_ His receptionist said over the comm.

He moved to stand next to her chair, and placed his hand on her shoulder. He'd done the same thing the day he'd decided to give her a new life all those years ago. "Alexandra, I know you are capable of bringing down Saren, but you need to take care of yourself. And I know the Normandy is in the right hands, she's your ship, and I trust you. Just promise me that you'll think about what you're doing before you make a decision that could affect the rest of your life."

She didn't look up at him, but she nodded her head.

"I'm going to initiate the link with the committee in the other room, I'll give you a minute here, and then you can join us." He gave her shoulder a small squeeze before letting her go and leaving the room.

* * *

"Alenko!"

Kaidan looked up at the sound of a familiar voice calling his name. He smiled when he saw LaRue waving at him from the door of the café. He stood up and gave his friend a hug as he reached his table. "LaRue, good to see ya, man. How you been?"

"Not bad, not bad. I've been assigned to the SSV Washington, in the Fifth Fleet. I ship out in a few days."

Kaidan could see that LaRue was beaming, and he was happy for his friend. "The engineering position you were hoping for, right?"

"Yup, finally. Of course, that can't compete with serving on the ship of the first human Spectre!" LaRue replied, almost at the top of his lungs.

Kaidan noticed a few heads turn towards their direction and pulled at his friend's arm. "I hate when you do that." He'd tried to sound admonishing, but couldn't help but laugh.

"What, a man can't be proud of his friend?"

"And try to get a bit of female attention his way while he's at it." Kaidan added.

"Guilty." LaRue admitted. "So, what's it like?"

"It's a hell of a ship. You'd drool yourself silly if you got a peak at her engine room. And a great crew. We've even got ourselves a few aliens serving with us. A krogan, an asari, a quarian, and a turian. Let me tell you, makes from some interesting meals at the Mess."

"I bet. I'd heard some rumors, but I didn't think they were true. And Shepard doesn't have a problem with it?"

"It was her idea. She sees the value in all of us working together."

"Damn Alenko, you've done it, haven't you? You've joined the Cult of Shepard." LaRue said with a laugh. "You sound like one of those marines I told you about the night before you shipped out."

"LaRue..." Kaidan didn't want to talk about Shepard with his friend. LaRue knew him too well.

"Come on, Kaidan, you can tell me. What's it really like serving under the Ice Queen? You know, I've actually heard rumors that she and Hackett have something going on. You think she's getting it on with the Admiral right now?"

Kaidan felt a surprising urge to hit his friend, but restrained himself. "LaRue, I'm not…"

"Is that true, Kaidan? Oh, you just have to share if you know something juicy!" Kaidan froze at the voice behind him. Why had he let LaRue take the seat facing the door? Lex came to stand by the two men's chairs, as she put her hand out to greet LaRue. "Hi, name's Lex. And you are?"

LaRue stood up and took Lex's hand. "Patrick LaRue, but everyone just calls me LaRue. Nice to meet you." Kaidan just sat there with his mouth hanging open. "You look familiar, have we met?"

"I don't think so. How long have you known Kaidan?"

LaRue was still holding Lex's hand. "Oh, damn, we've known each other what? Ten years now. Since we joined up." He looked over at Kaidan for confirmation, but found his friend just staring at the woman in front of him. "Kaidan?"

"Uh, yeah, ten years now."

"Oh, what a coincidence, Kaidan and I met about ten years ago. Although we didn't see each other again until just recently." She looked down at Kaidan. "Sorry I'm late, but I couldn't take one more damn minute in that get up. Had to change into something comfortable. Hope you weren't waiting too long."

Kaidan shook his head. "Uh, no, um…just got here a little while ago."

"Well good." She looked back at LaRue, and gave him a big smile. "Thanks for keeping him company for me, LaRue. You boys mind if I sit?"

LaRue seemed to wake up out of a trance, realizing that he was still holding her hand. "Sorry, how rude of us, please take my seat." He moved back to help her into her chair and then took the seat opposite of Kaidan. "So you met Kaidan ten years ago? Can I ask how? Maybe I was there, I swear there's something familiar about you."

"Oh, it's embarrassing really. We were in a bar, and I thought he'd gotten fresh with me and I overreacted a bit."

At that Kaidan seemed to snap out of his stupor. "A bit?"

"Okay, I punched him…and maybe threw him over the bar. At least that's what I was told, I don't really remember much about that night." She looked over at Kaidan, a sheepish look on her face.

"Oh my god. You found her! You son of a bitch, you actually found her!" LaRue reached over and gave Kaidan a congratulatory slap on the arm. "No wonder you looked familiar, it's just that I was always looking for the hair."

"Excuse me?" Lex raised her eyebrow at LaRue. (Why was he looking for my hair?)

"Any time we went out to a bar we kept an eye out for Kaidan's wild haired sol….owww." LaRue scowled at Kaidan as he reached down to rub his shin where he'd just been kicked.

"Oh, really? You were looking for me?" She was beaming now, and Kaidan quickly forgot about wanting to kill his friend. He was entranced by the look on her face. She was smiling, and not the dutiful smile she'd been using lately. The one that didn't reach her eyes. She was really smiling and her eyes were sparkling. She looked gorgeous. She'd changed out of the dress blues he'd seen her in earlier that morning when she'd left to meet with the Admiral. She was dressed in civvies. A pair of jeans, a black jacket, and what looked to be a simple tank top underneath. She was breath taking, and when Kaidan looked back at LaRue he knew his friend was thinking the same thing. He resisted the urge to kick him again.

"He gave every single red head he saw a second look, just in case."

"Okay, LaRue, I think she gets it now." Kaidan growled.

"I was there that night, was one of the guys that helped keep you from killing Kaidan over here. Took three of us you know. Well two of us to hold you down, and I got the lucky job of holding your friend back. If you still talk to her, be sure to tell her I say she has one heck of a right hook." LaRue rubbed his chin as if he could still feel the punch.

Lex shook her head, and laughed. "Sounds like Marks. Now I understand why she was in the cell with me the next day. Hadn't really given it much thought."

Kaidan recognized the name from the Torfan video. So Marks was Shepard's friend, he'd thought she had been talking to someone on her squad, over the comm. "Sh…Lex." He awkwardly fumbled, not use to using her first name, and it made him uncomfortable. "I don't remember seeing anyone in the cell with you that morning."

Lex blushed. "Heh, Marks said you hadn't even noticed her, I didn't believe her." Although she was still smiling, Kaidan noticed a sadness in her tone when she talked about her friend.

Kaidan rubbed his hand on the back of his neck. It was his turn to blush. "I ah, guess I was too busy looking at you. I mean, I was worried, your hand looked like it was broken and you were stuck in that cell." (Damn it, I need to shut up now.)

"Oh, it wasn't broken, well not at that point. I did manage to break it a couple of minutes after you left."

Kaidan gave her a curious look. "How did you manage that?"

"I punched Marks." She chuckled as she recalled that morning. "She confessed to being the one that grabbed my ass. So ah, yeah again, sorry about that."

"Ha, sounds like my type of woman!" LaRue said. "I say we all go out on a double date."

"Yeah, Lex, she sounds perfect for LaRue here. He always manages to get me into trouble, too." As soon as he said it, Kaidan knew he'd said something wrong. Her smile was gone, replaced by a solemn look. "Did I say something wrong?"

She looked up at him and shook her head. "No, nothing. It's just that Marks passed away a few years back."

Kaidan felt something click in his brain. Now it made sense. If she'd lost her friend during the raid on Torfan of course she'd have a breakdown. It could happened to anyone, but she was still beating herself up about it. "I'm sorry, I can't imagine."

"Yeah, Lex, sorry. Didn't mean to bring up old wounds." LaRue added.

Lex smiled. "No, no. Don't be sorry. I think it's actually the first time I've ever sat and talked about her with someone and not just thought about her death. It was nice to remember something about her that made me smile. Thank you." She'd heard what LaRue had asked about the Ice Queen, and had considered leaving. Instead she found herself introducing herself to his Kaidan's friend a minute later. She wasn't sure what had come over her, but she had an overwhelming urge to hear what Kaidan would say to his friend.

"Why didn't you say anything Kaidan? Where'd you find each other?" LaRue asked, deciding to change the topic.

"We're both serving on the Normandy." Lex replied.

"Well look at that, you actually ended up doing what you said you would. You went and got yourself a life, and with someone on the ship. I'm shocked Lieutenant Responsible!" LaRue raised his hand to his chest in a mocking gesture.

Lex looked over at Kaidan. Had he come on board the Normandy with plans to hook up with someone on the ship? That would explain why he'd so quickly move on to Ashley when he thought she was rejecting him. But that didn't make sense, she was pretty sure she knew enough about him to know that he wasn't into no-strings attached type of flings. At least that's what he'd said. LaRue had seemed surprised, maybe Kaidan was trying something new. "So, what's this you were saying about the Commander and the Admiral?" Lex was asking LaRue, but she was looking at Kaidan as she finished the question.

"LaRue, was kidding. Right buddy?" Kaidan tried to put as much meaning as he could into what he said while he stared LaRue down, hoping his friend would be smart enough to keep his mouth shut. Of course, he wasn't that lucky.

LaRue leaned forward, lowering his voice more for effect than for a need not to be overheard. "Oh you hadn't heard? Rumor is Shepard and Hackett have been having an affair for years. Since she joined the Alliance even. He was even there when she graduated from boot camp, her only guest from what I heard."

"LaRue, I can tell you from personal experience that the majority of rumors you've heard about the Commander are bullshit. I told you that would be the case before I served with her, and I'm confirming it now. So drop it, okay?" He didn't bother to hide the annoyed tone from in his voice.

His friend raised his hands in mock surrender. "Okay, okay I get it. Fine, I won't talk about your Commander Shepard, Lieutenant Responsible."

**_Your Commander Shepard_**_._

Lex smiled, she liked the sound of that. The thought of being his. She looked at Kaidan and found him staring at her, an apologetic look in his eyes. She shrugged her shoulders. She was use to the rumors, she'd heard most of them at one point or another. Even the one about her and the Admiral. That one actually made her laugh and feel like throwing up all at the same time. Still, she thought it was sweet he was trying to protect her from them.

LaRue sat there for a moment and watched as Kaidan and the girl he'd been searching for looked at each other. He'd caught the awkward glances and exchanges between them since she'd joined them and he wondered if either one of them knew how bad they had it for each other. The tension between them was almost palpable, and he knew that they hadn't acted on their feelings yet. He wasn't surprised, Kaidan was obsessed with his self-control and lived by the regs. He didn't know what was stopping her, but he hoped they both came to their senses soon. "Well, I've got somewhere I've gotta be. It was a pleasure meeting you Lex, and do me a favor. Get this guy here to loosen up a bit, will ya?"

"I'll make sure of it, LaRue. Nice meeting you, too."

Kaidan got up to say goodbye to his friend, walking with him towards the door. "LaRue, not a word. Trust me that when I tell you everything in a few months, you'll be thinking about today and kicking yourself."

"Well I don't know what that means, but I will tell you this. You don't let her get away this time, pal. I don't care how many regs you have to break. Got it?"

"It's not that simple, LaRue. And besides, doesn't she get a say in this?" Kaidan asked.

LaRue grabbed Kaidan by the shoulders and turned him so that they were both looking at Lex. "That girl right there, is head-over-heels for you. It's written all over her face each time she looks at you. That is her say. I don't care how difficult she makes it for you. You keep trying. I don't want to spend another ten years watching you regret letting her get away. I'll see you later, man." With that he gave Kaidan a pat on the back and left the café.

Kaidan watched Lex as she chatted with the waitress who'd come to take her order. She was smiling and looked relaxed. He wondered if this was what she was always like when she was off duty. He'd seen her like this before, when she'd been talking to Liara at Flux, before she'd walked up to the bar. He sighed and felt his shoulders drop a bit as he remembered why he'd asked her to meet him at the café. For a moment he considered not broaching the subject of Torfan, of putting it off and enjoying some time with her, but tonight wasn't about him. She needed this. He walked back to the table.

"Kaidan, I'm sorry about that. I couldn't help myself. I had a shitty day, and well the look on your face when I said hello was pretty priceless." She gave him a slanted smile that couldn't be described as anything but cute, and winked at him. He didn't know how to process any of it, and just smiled back at her. "And don't worry about the whole rumor thing, I've heard them all before."

His smile faded then, and he shook his head at her. "Well I don't like it, Shepard. The people that start those rumors don't know the first thing about you, if they did they wouldn't say those things."

The fact that he'd gone back to called her by her last name stung. "Come on, Kaidan, a lot of them are pretty close to home. I think the Ice Queen one is quite fitting actually." She was still smiling, but her eyes had lost the twinkle. As much as she tried, he saw past her attempt to look like she wasn't bothered by it.

"Well it's not true, and I won't let anyone repeat it without correcting them."

"Alright Kaidan. Anyway, that's not why we're here, right? You said you wanted to talk about something, and honestly you have me quite curious. So let's hear it." She was very curious, in fact she'd thought of little else since he asked for the meeting the day before. At first she'd thought that maybe he'd finally looked at the files that Major Kyle had sent him, and he was going to ask for transfer off the Normandy, but that would have fallen into the business category and could still have been discussed on the ship. Plus, he was being too friendly to have looked through those files. No way would he still want to be her friend if he knew what really happened on Torfan.

Kaidan looked around the café. The tables nearest to them were empty. He'd picked this location because he knew it wouldn't be busy at this time. "Shepard I had a talk with Major Kyle before we left the compound. I want you to know I wasn't prying. I just wanted to point out to him that what you'd done that day, sparing him and his followers, that those weren't the actions of a murderer. That he was wrong about you." He paused a moment, expecting her to be upset with him, but she didn't say anything. "He gave me something. He sent me these." Kaidan pulled up his omni-tool and forwarded the Major's message to Lex.

Lex heard her omni-tool beep, but didn't move. "I know what he sent you, Kaidan."

"You know? How?"

"I heard you two talking. I saw him send you something. It's easy to guess what he would send. The files on Torfan." Lex replied. She kept her voice low and kept her hands under the table, they were shaking and she didn't want him to see. Her stomach was in knots and she was fighting the urge to run out of the café. In fact, she was pretty sure she was about to have a panic attack right there in front of Kaidan. "Why haven't you looked at them yet, Kaidan?"

Kaidan furrowed his brow. "I have. I read every file, and… I watched the vid."

Lex closed her eyes, and looked away, unable to hide the pain in her face. (Oh, god, not the vid.) "I don't understand. You said this wasn't business."

"It's not."

"Kaidan, I think you telling me you want off the Normandy falls under business, no matter the reason. You could have just told me this yesterday in the Comm room, I would have spoken to the Admiral today and you'd already have the name of your new ship. If you like, I'm sure I can even get you on the same ship as your friend." Lex started to get up. She didn't trust herself to stay in control of her emotions for much longer, and she couldn't bear to look at Kaidan.

Kaidan reached for her arm and pulled her back into her chair. "Shit Shepard, shut up and sit back down." his tone was angry.

"Excuse me?"

"I'm sorry, but I need you to listen to me. I'm not going anywhere. I meant what I said, this isn't about business. This is about you." Kaidan let go of her and sat back in his chair. "I read all the files and watched the vid, I know what everyone else thinks happened on Torfan. I'd like to know what you remember about that day."

"No, Kaidan. I'm not going to talk about that with you. You know more than most people do, you know everything." She couldn't look at him. "I don't know why you don't want to leave the Normandy. I assume it's either the mission or (Ashley) something personal. Whatever the reason, I'm glad you're staying. You are a valuable asset to this team, and the Normandy needs you. But this isn't going to be something we bond over."

"Damn it, Shepard, I don't want to bond over this, I want to help you. People call you the Butcher of Torfan, the Ice Queen. They think you are some cold hearted bitch that doesn't care, but you're none of those things. I see the pain in your eyes every time something like that is thrown in your face. I saw it when Major Kyle called you a murderer. What's worse is that you accept it. I remember that conversation with the Captain after the Council decided not to kick Saren out of the Spectres. I didn't understand what you were talking about then, but I do now. You were comparing yourself to Saren. You honestly believe you and him are the same, don't you?"

"Kaidan, I don't want to talk about this."

"Shepard, have you ever talked to anyone about it?"

"Of course, I went through the debriefings and counseling. I'm all talked out about it, Kaidan. You must have read my file on Torfan."

"Actually, your file wasn't included."

Lex was about to question the truth of that statement when she realized the reason for her files not being included. "Those sneaky bastards. They must have gotten the clearance bumped up on my debriefings. The Major wouldn't have had access to them or…Kaidan, you said you saw a vid?"

"Yeah, helm cam recording of the raid. I watched it all."

"How did it end?"

Kaidan took a deep breath. "You were standing in a room surrounded by the bodies of the batarians and your squad mates." Lex realized they hadn't included the full vid at that clearance level. "And you were talking to Marks on the comm. Well, at least that's what I had thought. Is that where she died Shepard? Is that why you lost it?"

"No Kaidan, Marks died two years before Torfan. On Elysium."

"Elysium? The Torfan raids were a response to the blitz, weren't they?" Lex nodded. "Gods, you were getting pay back weren't you? That's why you told Marks you'd done it, you'd killed them all. You were there for revenge?"

"Kaidan I was supposed to be there with her. I should have been there to protect her, or died alongside her. Instead she was all alone when the blitz started, and they …" Lex squeezed her eyes shut, and took a few deep breaths. Her hands were gripping the table, her knuckles white from the force. "I wasn't there for her when she died, but I swore I'd make them pay. So I did, and I enjoyed it Kaidan, every single second of it."

Kaidan reached over and gripped one of her wrists, pulling until her hand let go of the table. He placed her hand in his. Surprised by how small and fragile it looked. "Shepard, look at me." When she didn't open her eyes, he reached out and placed his hand on her chin, moving her face towards his. "Please."

Lex opened her eyes and met his.

"You were grieving. You'd lost someone you cared about and you had survivor's guilt because you weren't there. It's natural to want revenge, problem is that most people don't get the chance so they eventually get past it and move on. You're a soldier, you saw a chance to get your revenge and I'm guessing you obsessed over it. Am I right?"

"It's all I thought about for two years."

"It's understandable then, when the batarians started shooting, when your adrenaline started pumping, you let loose all of your anger on them. Your need for revenge." He tightened the grip on her hand when he saw her start to close her eyes again. "Shepard, I did see the smile on your face. I did hear your laughter. But it wasn't your smile. I know your smile, and I know your laughter. What I saw and heard on that vid wasn't you. You were in hysterics, you were in the middle of a breakdown. Do you realize you were crying during all of it? I couldn't see the tears, you were covered…well you were a mess, so I couldn't see them. But I heard the cries. What happened there, what you did, it broke you. And you've been so wrapped up in your guilt that you won't let yourself see that."

She pulled her hand away from his. "Fine, so I felt bad about it, I had enough decency in me to regret enjoying it, so that makes it okay?"

"Why are you so hard on yourself, Shepard? You're only human. Why is it okay for you to tell me that I'm not a terrible person for killing someone, and then think you don't deserve the same from me?"

"Because, I don't deserve it Kaidan. I'm the one the Alliance calls when they need the hard decisions to be made, because they know I'll make them. They know I don't listen to that little voice inside me that says something is wrong. I don't have a problem killing a few colonists on Feros to ensure the success of the mission, remember? Do you really think that was the first time I had made a decision like that? You stopped it from happening then, but there were so many times you weren't there. I am just like Saren, I know that sometimes you have to let people die in order to get things done. It's ugly, but its reality. And it's how I think."

"Bullshit. Yes you do the wrong thing for the right reasons, I've seen it. I've heard about it. And yes, I don't like it. I don't understand it. I think there are some lines we just shouldn't cross. I also know that that's why the Alliance looks to you for solutions, that's why you are the first human Spectre. Because in the real world, sometimes the hard choices need to be made. That doesn't mean it doesn't affect you. I know it does, because I can see the pain in your eyes. I can see how you torture yourself, how you keep yourself from being happy. You hear that little voice, and you make the choice to ignore it, and then you suffer the consequences. That's the difference between you and Saren. Because like Anderson said, Saren doesn't regret his choices. He doesn't have that little voice, because he doesn't have a conscious!"

Lex didn't say anything, she couldn't. She just stared at him, and wondered again who the hell he was. It was almost like he knew what was going on in her head, almost like he understood her.

Kaidan leaned forward, and reached for her hand again. He smiled when she placed her hand in his. "Shepard, you have to stop punishing yourself for what happened to Marks, for Torfan, and for all the choices you've made since. You think you are the only one that can make them, because you're already ruined, but that's not true. You think you don't deserve to be happy, and each time you do something ruthless you use it to justify that feeling, but you're wrong."

"Ho…how, do you…?" She couldn't finish. She was shaking, not just her hands, but all of her. She couldn't stop. She was having trouble catching her breath. She heard a sob and realized it was hers, she was crying.

Kaidan was out of his chair in an instant, he reached out and pulled her up into his arms, hugging her. He held her as she cried. Rubbing her back and whispering to her, letting her know he was there for her. That it was okay. He looked around and was relieved to see no one was paying attention to them. He caught the waitress' attention and mouthed the word "Tab" to her. She nodded. He'd been a regular at the café for years, and she knew he'd take care of the bill later. He pulled Shepard over so that she was leaning on his left side, her head resting on his shoulder and he walked them out of the Café. They walked for a while as her crying slowed and eventually stopped. He wasn't really thinking about where he was heading as they walked, having just wanted to give her a bit of privacy. It wasn't until they reached his station apartment that he realized where they were. He opened the door and led them inside, and for the first time since leaving the café, Shepard let go of him. He missed the feel of her in his arms the second she stepped away.

"Kaidan, I'm sorry. God, I don't know what got into me, I don't cry in front of anyone, ever."

"Don't apologize, Shepard. Do you feel better, now?"

She thought about the question before answering. Did she feel better? This man had just read her mind, her soul. She had never admitted to anyone that she lived her life as a punishment since that day on Torfan. Anderson and Hackett, the two men who knew the most about her, had never made the connection. But this man that she'd barely known for what? A few weeks, months? He had gotten to the heart of her, he knew her. She hadn't known why she started crying, all she knew was that she couldn't stop once it had started. She was having a panic attack right there in the middle of the café and she could do nothing to stop it. Then when he put his arms around her, she'd felt…gods, she'd felt safe. Safe enough to let herself cry because she was crying for Marks. She was crying for those lives she'd taken on Torfan, for each face she could still clearly see each night when she closed her eyes. And she was crying for herself, for all the years she'd spent living her pain, her punishment. "I don't know how I feel, besides exhausted." And she did, she felt like she'd been carrying a huge weight that had finally been lifted and her body and mind were screaming at her to rest. Suddenly she had trouble keeping her eyes focused.

Kaidan reached for her hand and led her to the bedroom.

Lex saw the bed and suddenly her senses seemed to rouse out of their stupor. "Kaidan, where are we?"

"Uh, my apartment." She wasn't surprised when she turned to look at him and caught him rubbing his neck, she was starting to love when he did that.

She stepped into the bedroom and looked around. The first thing that caught her attention was how immaculate the room was, everything in complete order. She wasn't surprised. "It looks like this all the time, doesn't it? This isn't like this just because you're not living here right now, right?"

Kaidan was confused. "Uh, yeah, why wouldn't it?"

She smiled. "Kaidan, how do you manage to spend even a minute in my cabin without freaking out?"

"It's not that bad, a bit cluttered maybe."

He was right, her space on the ship wasn't up to her usual messy standards, but that was due to the tireless cleaning mechs. "Just wait till you see my apartment."

"Is that an invitation, Shepard?" Kaidan's voice had suddenly taken on that husky tone that made her shiver.

"Well you showed me yours, only fair I show you mine."

(Danger, danger!) Kaidan felt as if the heat was rising. (Damn it, this is why I'd avoided talking in her cabin and now I've brought her into my bedroom!) He watched as she took off her jacket, apparently not immune to the effect the turn in the conversation had produced. She threw her jacket on the bed and walked over to his prized possession.

"Wow, Kaidan. Actual books, these are beautiful. That's quite a collection you have here." She reached out and pulled a book from the shelf.

"Do you like to read, Shepard?" He asked as he walked up behind her to see which book she was looking at.

"I love it. It was the only true escape I had from my life when I was a kid. I'd spend hours in the library, imagining myself as the characters in my favorite books." She was trying to concentrate on the book in her hand, but someone could have asked her the title at that moment and she'd have no idea what it was. Because all she could think of was how close Kaidan was standing to her. She could feel the heat from his body on her back, and she fought the urge to lean into him. She felt lightheaded, and weak. She leaned forward to put the book back in its place and lost her balance. She put her hand out to brace herself on the bookshelf and felt Kaidan's hands on her waist, steading her. She raised her hand to her head, feeling dizzy.

"Shepard." Kaidan guided her to the bed and sat her down, kneeling on the floor in front of her. "Are you okay?"

"I just got a little dizzy. I'm fine." She tried to get up again, but lost her balance and ended up using Kaidan's shoulder's to keep from falling. He gently pushed her back on the bed.

"You're not going anywhere."

Despite how she felt, Lex smiled. "Why Lieutenant, are you trying to getting me into your bed?"

With that one sentence, Kaidan felt himself harden. He looked at her and his pulse quickened. She was looking at him thru partly lidded eyes, a devilish grin on her face. He couldn't remember ever wanting a woman as much as he wanted her. LaRue was right, if he didn't go after her now, he'd spend the rest of his life regretting it.

"Kaidan." Her voice was barely a whisper. She closed her eyes and he saw her waver a bit again, and he moved up on to the bed, sitting next to her. He placed his arm around her and she leaned on his chest.

"Shit, Shepard, you didn't eat anything at the café. When was the last time you ate?" He cursed himself under his breath, he should have been paying closer attention to her when she'd said how tired she was. He did now, and he could see that she was pale.

"I don't know. I think the Admiral had something brought in for breakfast, he always makes me eat something." Her voice was weak.

"Damn it that was over 14 hours ago. I'm going to make you something to eat. Lay down, and I'll be right back." He got up and helped her get comfortable on his bed.

He turned to walk out of the room, but she grabbed his wrist. "Kaidan, I'm not sleeping with the Admiral. That's just, ewww." He couldn't help but chuckle at her admission.

"Don't worry, Shepard, I didn't think you were."

She smiled, and let go of his wrist. "Good."

Kaidan went into the kitchen and started looking for something he could give to Shepard. Unfortunately, since he knew he'd be gone for a while, he hadn't left much in stock. He decided on some soup and a few energy bars he'd found in the pantry. When he finally had everything ready he took a tray into his room, where he found Shepard asleep. He put the tray down on his nightstand, and grabbed the blanket at the end of his bed, using it to cover her. He smiled down at her. She looked so calm and beautiful. "Alexandra Shepard, I love you. And I'm not giving up on you. I'm a very patient man."

He walked over to the other side of the bed and grabbed his pillow, then a blanket from his closet. He looked at her one last time before walking out of the room to sleep on the couch.


	26. Chapter 26 - Good Morning

*****A big thanks to AngstyShenko for the beta help with my new story! It's a Prequel to What are the Chances, and if chapter 25 left you wondering about Shepard and Hackett, A New Chance ( A Prequel) will answer all your questions. It's a short story, and the first four chapters are already up.**

**Also thanks to Akari Hoshi and Zee for the reviews, much appreciated. Although, I still wish I could reply directly to your reviews Zee! Anyways, here's the latest chapter. We'll be off Arcturus Station on the next one, and off to Noveria, I swear! *****

* * *

Kaidan leaned on the doorway to his bedroom as he watched Shepard sleep. He'd never seen her look as peaceful, and he'd hadn't known her to sleep for so long before. He smiled at the thought that he was responsible for her good night's rest. He'd helped bring her some peace last night and if nothing ever happened between them, he could at least take comfort in that. He'd been surprised when he woke up that morning and found her still asleep in his bed. (Gods, she's in my bed.) A wave of arousal passed through him at the sight. He'd seen the food he'd left on the nightstand still there, untouched, and taken it back to the kitchen. He decided to go get them breakfast from the café and pay his bill while there. When he'd returned she was still asleep.

Lex was waking up, but she didn't want to. She'd been having such a nice dream, and though it was already fading from memory, the feelings it had left behind made her want to go back to sleep. She raised her arms over her head and stretched her entire body out. A soft moan escaping her lips. She realized almost instantly that she wasn't in her bed. This one was far too comfortable and there was something else. She rolled over and wrapped her arms around the pillow under her head, hugging it close and burying her face in it. She inhaled deeply and her senses were invaded by his scent. She smiled, remembering whose bed she'd fallen asleep in. "Mmm, Kaidan."

"Good morning, Shepard."

She shot up into a sitting position almost before he finished speaking. Kaidan smiled when he realized she hadn't known he was there. (Had she been dreaming about me?)

"Kaidan."

"Shepard." (Is it wrong how much I'm enjoying watching her blush?)

"I ah…Good Morning." She couldn't think of anything else to say, and certainly did not want to explain what Kaidan had just heard. Instead she threw her legs over the side of the bed and moved to stand up, but she barely made it half way before she felt dizzy and fell back down on the bed. "Ugh."

Kaidan rushed to her side. "Shepard, you haven't eaten anything in a while, don't try to get up again. Okay?" She could only manage to nod her head. "I bought us some breakfast, I'll bring it in here." Kaidan got back up and went to get the food he'd picked up at the café. When he came back to the room he saw that she had moved up on the bed and was sitting with her back to the headboard. He walked over to the other side and sat next to her as he pulled out the two spinach and artichoke egg soufflés. He handed one to Shepard, along with a cup of coffee. "I hope you like it, I wasn't sure if you would."

Lex's mouth had started watering the moment Kaidan had taken the soufflés out of the bag. She was starving and he could have given her an energy bar and she'd had been ecstatic, but this was beyond wonderful. "Gods, I could kiss you Kaidan!"

"Well then, that's two you owe me now, Shepard."

Lex's cheeks felt so hot, she might as well had been standing out in the sun all day. "I'm sorry, I'm just so hungry and this looks so amazing. I didn't mean to…wait, two?"

"Yeah, you said the same thing to me when I gave you an energy bar outside of Chora's Den. Right before we went after Fist." He was smiling at her. He was done with the blushing and tip-toeing around, he planned to take LaRue's advice and that meant not holding back on the flirting. "I guess I've confirmed the way to your heart is you through your stomach."

Lex didn't know how to respond to that, so instead she took a bite of her soufflé. "Mmmmm, oh gods!"

Kaidan raised an eyebrow at her. "That good?" (What I wouldn't give to be the reason for that moan.)

"Mmm, amazing." Her embarrassment was forgotten now, and all she cared about was finishing her breakfast. They ate the rest of their meal in silence. Kaidan picked up the wrappers and garbage and placed everything back in the bag, which he put on the nightstand next to him. They were both leaning back on the headrest now, completely relaxed. "That was wonderful Kaidan. Thank you."

"My pleasure, Shepard. I'm glad you enjoyed it. And I'm glad you were able to get some rest." He looked over at her. She looked radiant. The dark circles that she'd had for the majority of the time since Eden Prime were barely visible now. She turned to face him, a soft smile on her face, and he smiled back at her.

"Kaidan, my friends always called me Lex. For years, the only person that's called me that is Anderson. I'd really liked hearing you say it last night." Her voice was soft and she looked so young.

Kaidan felt a bit of sadness, she looked as if she was terrified he'd reject her attempt to extend their friendship further. He smiled at her. "Well I don't know, isn't that a bit informal? Are you sure we shouldn't start off with Alexandra and work our way there?" He chuckled when she made a face at the mention of her full name.

"If you call me that, I'll assign you to latrine duty!" Lex tried to look serious when she said it, but she couldn't help but laugh. "Look, the Admiral is the only one allowed to call me that. So you'll have to settle for Lex."

Kaidan resisted the urge to ask her about the Admiral. He'd believed her last night when she had told him nothing had ever happened between her and Hackett. But he did sense there was something she wasn't telling him. It was none of his business though, and he didn't want to risk the progress he'd made by pushing it. "Well then, Lex it is."

"Good. Thank you, Kaidan. I can't tell you how good it feels to have a friend again." She smiled at him with that small smile that held a hint of sadness.

"Lex, if you want friends, all you have to do is look to the ship docked on this station that is full of people that respect you and care about you."

"Kaidan, they're my crew. They respect the uniform, that's all." She leaned her head back on the headboard and looked up at the ceiling.

"Really? Because that's not what they say." Kaidan replied.

Lex looked back at Kaidan. "What do you mean? What do they say?"

"Well let's see. I had to sit through a whole shift of Joker going on and on about how you spend so much time in the cockpit asking him questions about the Normandy, and about being a pilot. Oh and that you never judge him about his disease and on and on. I think this is the first time I've never heard him complain about a superior officer. And he's even stopped making comments about how hot you are, and trust me when I say that means he respects you." (And that he knows I'm in love with you.)

"And then there's Garrus. I don't know much about Turians, but I do know that it takes a lot for them to give you their respect. And you have it. He worries about you, Lex. He wasn't too happy with me when I made that scene at Flux, either. And since you helped him finally get that twisted salarian doctor, he's started to see you as a mentor."

Lex started to say something, but Kaidan stopped her. "No, I'm not done yet. Then there's Wrex. Do you know how often he compares you to a krogan? And he might act like it's no big deal, but I've caught him looking at that piece of armor you helped him get back. I think you've earned a lifelong friend there. And Tali adores you, like you're a big sister. Adams looks forward to your visits too. Chakwas treats you like a daughter. Liara…" Kaidan stopped when he noticed the unshed tears in her eyes. "Hey, what's wrong?"

Lex shrugged. "I don't know, I just never thought I'd hear anyone make a list of my friends. And I don't deserve it, I've never treated any of them like friends. I don't..."

It was Kaidan's turn to interrupt her. "Lex, I've seen you go out of your way to spend one on one time with each crew member. You can try and pass it off as duty, but I've never had a CO do that on any ship I've served on. And another thing, and this one I'm not too thrilled with, you won't let any one of us take the chances you do. You always put our lives ahead of your own. And they all see that."

"What about Ashley? I remember how she looked at me after I hurt you, not that I didn't deserve it, because I did. I do. I had no right to hurt you, Kaidan. I'm so sorry." This time the tears fell, and he reached over and pulled her into his arms, placing her head on his chest.

"Hey, don't do that. We already fixed that, right? I know you're sorry, and I accepted it. And so has Ash. She doesn't hate you, Lex. She puts up a tough act and she uses humor as a shield, but she's just a kid that's scared she will never be given the chance to move ahead. She was mad at you, that's true, she cares about me and it upset her to see what happened. But she knows I've forgiven you and she knows you regret it. I really wish you two would talk to each other, a real talk. She's changed a lot in the last few weeks. She's even joking with Garrus and Wrex in the cargo bay. Do me a favor, and give her another chance."

Lex nodded. Kaidan had done so much for her. He'd forgiven her and offered her his friendship. If all he asked in return was for Lex to give the Ashley a second chance, she couldn't say no. Even if hearing him talk about her and hearing in his voice how much he cared for Ashley made her heart ache. Now that she'd calmed down again, she realized where she was lying. She felt so right in his arms, with her face against his chest. She listened to his heartbeat. She thought for a moment that she should feel embarrassed, that she should move away. But she didn't. She felt like she belonged there, and like she could happily spend the rest of her life lying there with his arms around her.

Kaidan was afraid to move, to even breathe. She had stopped crying a few minutes ago, yet she hadn't made a move to get back up. And he was scared to break the spell and cause her to move away. She felt so good in his arms, lying against him. He could smell her soap, something with vanilla, and he swore that he'd never smelled anything better in his life. If they never moved from this spot, he'd be okay with that. He felt complete with her in his arms, in his bed. This was where she belonged.

"Lex?"

"Hmmm?"

"I need you to know that…" Kaidan stopped as they heard someone ringing the door of his apartment. Lex sat up and slid back to her side of the bed. Kaidan felt a sense of loss when she was no longer touching him. "Damn it." He got up, mentally cursing whoever was on the other side of that door. He turned on his vid screen and was greeted by Joker and Ashley on the screen. (Well, shit.)


	27. Chapter 27 - Hide

***** Okay, I know I said we'd get to Noveria in this chapter but when I finished this scene it just seemed better by itself. I promise I'll get them back to work in the next chapter. *****

* * *

Lex walked out of the bedroom and joined Kaidan next to the vid screen. "Kaidan, why are we staring at Joker and Ashley on this screen instead of opening the door?"

"Because if I open the door, they'll see you in here. I can just hear Ashley now." Kaidan knew if Ash and Joker saw Lex in his apartment at 0800 he'd never hear the end of it.

Lex couldn't stop the frown from sprouting on her face, so instead she turned so that Kaidan wouldn't be able to see. Of course he wouldn't want Ashley to see her here so early in the morning, she might think something had happened between them. "Well, we can just pretend we're not here."

"Good idea." Kaidan said before noticing that Joker was stepping up to the entry terminal. "Damn it."

"What?"

"I forgot, I gave Joker access few months back. He can get into the apartment." Kaidan cursed the fact that they were on a space station and there were no windows to crawl out of. He looked over at Lex. "Hide."

"Excuse me?"

"Hide. Go into the bedroom and hide, and I'll get them out of here as quickly as I can."

Lex nodded and walked back to the bedroom, closing the door behind her. She cursed Ashley under her breath, but instantly felt guilty. Ashley hadn't done anything wrong. It wasn't her fault that Kaidan had chosen her, or that Lex was so jealous.

Kaidan was staring at his bedroom door. He'd seen the disappointment in Lex's face when he'd told her to hide. Here he'd spent all this time convincing her that they could be friends, and now he was asking her to hide from his friends, all to avoid a little teasing. He knew that would be the only danger in Joker and Ashley knowing she'd been in his apartment. His friends didn't care about them possibly breaking regs. He turned to the door when Joker came through it, Ashley right behind him.

"Kaidan man, why didn't you open the door?" Joker asked.

"Uh, I just got up, sorry. I was just about to."

"Morning LT, we were on our way to get some breakfast and thought you'd want to come along. Our last chance to get some real food before heading back out." Ashley was walking around his apartment while she talked. Kaidan cringed when she stepped near his bedroom.

"Uh, sure. How about I meet you there, I just need to get some stuff together first."

"Oh we can wait, we don't have to be back on the Normandy till 1200. We have time." Joker said as he took a seat on his couch.

"Nice place you have here, LT. Must be nice not to have to share a room with anyone. I bet your bedroom is bigger than my whole place." Ashley commented as she opened the door to his room.

"No Ash!" Kaidan shouted, but it was too late, Ashley was already walking into his room. He put his head in his hands, waiting for the teasing that was about to start. When he didn't hear anything, he looked up and saw Ashley just standing in the middle of his room, looking around. He walked in behind her. Lex wasn't there.

"Geez, Kaidan, what was that about?" Joker asked as he joined them.

"Um, nothing, I just haven't had a chance to clean up." Kaidan walked up to his bed and picked up the blanket, folding it quickly and then walking to the closet. He opened the door just wide enough to place the blanket inside, and take a peek. She wasn't in there.

"Oh, yeah, it's a disaster zone. I don't know how you live this way, man. The horror." Joker replied mockingly.

Kaidan wasn't paying attention, he was too busy wondering where the hell Lex was. He walked over to his nightstand and picked up the bags and cups from their breakfast. He didn't notice the look Joker and Ashley exchanged when he did so. He pretended to drop one of the bags and knelt down on the floor to pick it up, and peek at under the bed. Lex stared back at him, and shrugged. He mouthed a quick 'sorry' and stood back up.

"You know what, I'll just get my stuff later, let's go eat. I'm starving." Kaidan said as he walked over to the kitchen and threw the garbage down the disposal chute.

"Actually, I'm pretty tired. How about we just eat here?" Joker was already walking back to the couch to sit down.

"I don't have any food here." Kaidan said as he put his arm around Joker's shoulder, trying to lead him to the front door.

Ashley walked up to the door, blocking his exit. "Oh, I can pick some up for us. There's this great little café around the corner. It'd be great, I think there's a game on today. We can catch some of it before we go." Ashley noticed Joker struggling not to laugh behind Kaidan, and she almost lost it herself.

"What? No." Kaidan couldn't believe his luck. "I've been in here all night, I really rather just go out for a while, you know? Just wait for me outside, I've got to hit the head and I'll be right out." He said as he basically shoved them both out his front door. He ran back to his room. "Okay, you can come out."

"God Kaidan, it's even spotless under your bed!" Lex said as she crawled out.

Kaidan reached down and helped her up. "I'm so sorry."

"Don't worry, I understand. You didn't want Ashley to know. I can see how difficult it would be to explain what I was doing in your apartment so early in the morning." Lex hoped she didn't sound as disappointed as she felt.

"Exactly! She'd never let me forget it." Kaidan replied, relived she wasn't upset. (Why would she be, really?) If Kaidan thought about it, she had no way of knowing for sure that Joker and Ashley wouldn't make a stink about the regs. "Look just give us ten minutes to make it to the café, and it should be safe for you to go. I'm going to give you door access, and you can just lock up behind you." Kaidan quickly pulled up his omni-tool and granted her full access to his apartment and then rushed right out the front door.

"Okay then….bye." Lex replied, to basically nobody.

* * *

"Just wait for me outside, I've got to hit the head and I'll be right out." Kaidan said as he shoved them out of his apartment.

Joker and Ashley looked at each other after he closed the door.

"You saw the same thing I did, right?" Joker asked.

"Two empty coffee cups and a bag big enough for two meals?" Ashley asked in reply.

"Yup."

"You know, no one's seen the Commander since yesterday morning." Ashley had a knowing smirk on her face. "You think it finally happened?"

"God, I hope so. Those two were starting to get on my nerves." Joker replied. "Of course, it could get worse now. Can you imagine, the Commander and Kaidan…in the honeymoon phase?"

Ashley laughed. "I don't want to think about it."


	28. Chapter 28 - Scuttlebutt

_"Approach Control, this is the SSV Normandy, Requesting a vector and a berth."_

_"Normandy, your arrival was not scheduled. Our defense grid is armed and tracking you. State your business." _Came the reply from Noveria.

_"Citadel business. We've got a Council Spectre aboard." _Joker replied.

_"Landing access granted, Normandy. Be advised, we will be confirming identification on arrival. If confirmation cannot be established, your vessel will be impounded."_

Joker looked up at Shepard. "What a fun bunch. I think I'll take my next leave here."

Lex chuckled. "I bet the skiing is fabulous!"

She didn't notice the surprised look on Joker's face as she walked out of the cockpit. It had been two days since they'd left the station, and he still wasn't use to this new Shepard that had shown up. It wasn't a big difference, just subtle things. She looked more relaxed, and at ease with the crew and she was making these little jokes. Joining in on conversations between crew members. He'd swear she'd been taken over by one of those pod people from that old vid he saw as a kid, except that the awkwardness between her and Kaidan was still there. Whatever had happened between them at the station, and he and Ashley were still sure something had happened in that apartment, it hadn't been enough to finally get those two together.

* * *

Tali, Kaidan, and Lex had just left the Normandy and reached the port entrance when they were stopped by three guards. "That's far enough."

"Step aside, I'm on important business." Lex replied. She hated the planet already.

"This is an unscheduled arrival. I need your credentials." The dark haired guard who seemed to be in charge stated.

"No. All you need to know is I have more credentials than you." Lex didn't like having to deal with the bureaucratic bullshit, and frankly felt like giving them a hard time.

The blonde guard spoke up. "They plan to be trouble, ma'am."

"I can't let you enter the port area without confirmation of your identity." Replied the dark haired guard. She turned and spoke to the blonde guard. "Sergeant Stirling, secure their weapons." The blonde took a step towards Lex, who quickly raised her pistol in their direction. Kaidan and Tali followed suit.

"We going to let them do this, Commander?" Kaidan asked.

"I'm keeping my gun." Lex replied. "Nobody takes my weapon."

"Charge and lock!" The dark haired guard shouted. "We are authorized to use lethal force."

"That's funny, so am I." Lex replied.

"You have to the count of three to surrender your weapons." The dark haired guard stated, but Lex and her squad didn't move. "One, two, thr-."

_"Captain Matsuo! Stand down."_ Ordered someone over the comms. _"We confirmed their identity. Spectres are authorized to carry weapons here, Captain."_

The dark haired guard, Captain Matsuo, took a moment before motioning her people to stand down. Once they lowered their weapons, Lex and her squad did the same. "You may proceed, Spectre. I hope the rest of your visit will be less confrontational. Parasini-san will meet you upstairs."

"Behave yourself." Added Stirling.

Lex and the squad moved past them and into the building. They had just reached the reception area when alarms started blaring.

A woman in a bright pink dress walked up to the desk just as the alarms shut off. "Weapons detectors. Don't mind the alarms. I am Gianna Parasini, assistant to Administrator Anoleis. We apologize for the incident in the docking bay."

"Yeah, real friendly." Lex replied. "Someone piss in your security chief's coffee today?" Lex saw exactly what she'd expected in Parasini's face when she said that. Mock shock. This woman might be dressed like a bubble headed assistant, but Lex saw a ruthlessness in her eyes that she knew well.

"She takes her job seriously. She is a valuable asset to the company." Parasini replied. "One of my duties is orientation of new arrivals. Do you have any questions?"

(Yeah, like who are you really? Assistant my ass.) "Has anyone unusual passed through here recently?"

"Unusual? An asari Matriarch passed through a few days ago. Lady Benezia." Parasini replied, her face was calm.

Whatever she was hiding, Lex didn't think it had to do with Benezia, and as such, none of her business. She had enough to worry about without getting involved in local drama. This time she just wanted to get in and get out.

"Saren's right hand? She's here?" Kaidan asked, looking at Lex.

"Passed through, she left? Where is she now?" Lex asked.

"Benezia left for the Peak 15 research complex days ago. To the best of my knowledge, she's still there."

Lex smiled, finally some progress. "Good. Give us directions, and we'll be on our way."

Parasini hesitated. "You'll need to ask Administrator Anoleis for clearance to leave this port."

"Okay, where can I find the Administrator?"

"His office is on the main level. Left at the top of the elevator. Go ahead in, and if you need any help, you can ask me at the administrator's office." Parasini replied before stepping away from the desk.

Kaidan walked up to Lex. "Shepard? Maybe we should tell Liara that her mother's here. Or bring her along. Maybe she can reason with Benezia."

Lex hated that he'd gone back to calling her Shepard. He didn't do it all of the time, just whenever they were on duty or around the crew. She understood why he did it, he wanted to avoid muddying up the regs on the ship, but she just missed him saying her first name. "I don't know Kaidan, things might not go well, and do you think Liara will be able to fight her mother?"

"It might not come to that, but I do know that if it were me, I'd regret not being there. It's her mother Shepard, as much as Liara tries to make it no big deal, it is. She should at least have a choice." Kaidan replied. He understood why Lex would have a hard time understanding the reasoning, since she hadn't grown up with a mother in her life. He just hoped she'd take his advice.

"Shepard, if it were my father, I'd want to be there." Tali added.

Lex thought about that for a moment. She thought about her father. She didn't treat him like one, but he was the only family she had. "Okay, I guess you're right." Lex activated her comm. "Joker, let Liara know she's needed on the ground."

_"Aye, aye, Commander."_

When Liara finally joined them, Lex explained what they had found out.

"She is here, I can't believe it." Liara was visibly shaken. "I imagine you want to talk to me, Shepard. About my mother."

"We talked about her before, but things change when you're up against something. If it's her or me, who would you shoot?"

"Shepard!" Kaidan couldn't believe she'd just come out and asked a question like that.

Liara addressed Kaidan. "No, Lieutenant, the Commander has a right to ask that question. She's putting her life and yours in my hands by taking me along." She looked back at Shepard. "I meant what I said before, her actions are wrong. If you would feel safer leaving me on the Normandy, I will stay. But I would like to see her. Maybe I can persuade her to come peacefully."

"Liara, I don't think that's going to happen, but I'm going to let you try." Lex replied.

Liara let out a sigh of relief, she'd been worried Shepard wouldn't trust her enough to take her with them. "Thank you, Shepard. That means a great deal to me."

* * *

"I cannot go on." Matriarch Benezia was weak. Having broken through the indoctrination a second time just after having fallen in the last skirmish. "You will have to stop him Shepard."

"You're free of the indoctrination, again?" Lex was hesitant, expecting Benezia to attack at any moment.

"I still hear it, like metal on metal. Squealing and reverberating." Benezia took a few uneasy steps back, her eyes practically rolling to the back of her head. She bumped up to the wall behind her, and then fell to the ground.

"Mother." Liara ran up to her mother.

Benezia looked up at Liara, and raised her hand to run it along her daughter's cheek. "Goodnight, Little Wing. I will see you again with the dawn. No light…they always said there would be a…a…ahh" Benezia was dead. Liara moved down to sit by her mother's body, pulling it into her arms as she cried.

Lex wasn't sure what to do. She looked over at Kaidan who gave her a nod in Liara's direction. Apparently, he thought she should do something. She kneeled down next to the young asari. "Liara, she fought it in the end, and won. She died with her mind under her own control. Remember that, and that she loved you."

"Thank you, Shepard. I just need a moment with her."

"Of course. Take all the time you need." Lex got up and walked over to where Kaidan was standing a few feet away, examining the Rachni.

"You did good, Lex. She needed to hear that. Are you okay?" Kaidan could see the sadness in her eyes, and he worried she'd let it take over her again.

Lex looked back at Liara. "Yeah. It's just that Benezia cared about Liara. She truly loved her daughter. I think that's why she was able to beat Saren's mind control." She looked at Kaidan. "I just don't think I've ever seen love like that. It's kind of overwhelming."

"That's what love is like, Lex." (That's how I feel about you.) Kaidan wished he could tell her that.

"Yeah, I'm starting to get that." She looked over at the Rachni in the glass. Partly because of curiosity, and partly because the weight of Kaidan's stare had become too much. He overwhelmed her, when he looked at her like that. When he touched her. Heck, when he said her name. Was she falling in love with him? Did she already love him?

Kaidan kept his eyes on Lex. He'd seen something in her eyes just before she'd turned away. A look that had made his heart skip a beat. He'd known he loved her for a while now, although he'd just recently accepted it. He was sure she felt something for him too, but was she aware of it? His thoughts were interrupted by a noise behind him. He turned and was surprised by the sight of what looked like a dead asari commando shuffling towards them. "Lex!"

Lex heard Kaidan at about the same time that the Rachni slammed against the cage, causing her to stumble backwards in surprise and run into someone. When she turned she found herself face to face with one of the asari commandos. The very one she could have sworn she'd killed just at the end of the fight. The body shuffled towards the cage and then turned to face Lex and Kaidan, who had drawn their guns once the shock had worn off.

"This one serves as our voice." The body said.

Lex and Kaidan looked at each other. "Well, shit."

* * *

"What's our next move, Commander? Head for the Mu Relay?" Ashley asked as they all took their seats in the comm room for the debriefing.

Lex shook her head. "The Mu Relay could link to dozens of systems. Unless we know exactly where Saren is going we'd just be wasting our time.

"The Commander is right. We cannot rush off blind. We still need to learn more about Saren." Liara added.

"Who put you in charge? Did the Commander resign when I wasn't looking?" Ashley asked.

"We're on the same team here, Ashley, she's just trying to help." Kaidan replied.

"Sorry, LT. I'm just frustrated, I guess." Ashley replied. She looked over at Liara. "I'm sorry Liara, I have a problem between my brain and my mouth sometimes. And…I'm sorry about your mom."

Liara looked a bit shocked. "Thank you, Ashley."

Lex stood up. "This is a tough mission. We're all on edge. Everyone get some rest. Crew dismissed!"

_"The Noveria report is away, Commander. You want me to patch you through to the Council?"_

"Sure, why not? Patch them through, Joker." Lex replied.

* * *

Lex entered Liara's room at the back of the medbay. The asari was sitting at her desk, and hadn't heard her come in. Lex couldn't see her face, but her shoulders were slumped and shaking, she was crying. "Liara?"

"Shepard." Liara stood up, her hands going up to her face, and Lex assumed she was wiping away her tears. "If you are here to talk about Benezia's death, you need not bother. She brought it upon herself."

"Liara, don't pretend it doesn't bother you. She was your mother."

Liara sighed. "She was, but she was not. I prefer to remember Benezia as she used to be. Before she was corrupted by Saren."

"As you should, but that doesn't change the fact that you lost your mother today. That you had to fight her. Look, I'm no expert on mothers, but I can imagine how difficult this is for you." Lex said as she took a few steps to close the gap between them. She felt awkward, she wasn't use to trying to comfort someone, and she didn't quite know how to do it. "The best of your mother lives on in you. Her determination, her intelligence, her strength."

"That is kind of you to say. I appreciate your concern, but I am fine. Benezia chose her path, just as I have chosen mine. I am with you until the end, Shepard." Liara replied.

"Liara, I know that, that's not why I'm here. Look, if you need to talk to someone, I'm here for you."

Liara smiled. "Thank you, Shepard. And actually, I'd like it if we could talk about the beacon for a bit, it would help keep my mind off…other things."

"Of course, what do you want to know?" Lex asked as she pulled up a nearby chair and readied herself for a long talk.

* * *

Kaidan watched as Liara and Lex were sitting together having dinner and talking. They'd spent the last few days like that, spending time together in between missions. He smiled. Lex had gone out of her way to help Liara through her mother's death, and had made a connection with the young asari. And although he knew she did it to help Liara, he thought it had helped her as well. She'd formed a bond of friendship with Liara that she probably hadn't had since her friend Marks had died. In a way, they were helping each other mourn.

Corporal Michaels nudged him with his elbow, taking his attention away from Liara and Lex. "Damn, can you imagine how hot those two look when they're together?"

"Excuse me?" Kaidan was sure he'd misheard the young Corporal.

"What, hadn't you heard, LT? Dr. T'Soni has been hot for the Commander since day one, and with all the time they're spending together now, I'm pretty sure she finally got what she wanted. And you can't say you haven't noticed how the Commander has changed. Honestly, half the crew was sure you and Shepard were going to hook up, but I knew you wouldn't go there with the Ice Queen." The Corporal said, ending with a chuckle. He'd still been looking at Liara and Lex while he'd been speaking, but now he looked back over at Kaidan and his eyes grew wide as he noticed the blue glow that surrounded the Lieutenant and the strange tingling sensation all over his skin.

"LT!" Ashley had heard some of what Michaels had said, and wanted to shoot the moron, but right now she needed to get Kaidan away from him. She put her arm around Kaidan's shoulder and tried pulling him away, but he wasn't budging. "Come on, LT." She looked over at Michaels. "Corporal, I suggest you get the hell out of here, right now." Michaels wasn't sure what had happened, but he didn't need to be told twice, he left the Mess.

Kaidan looked away from Michaels retreating form and over to Lex, who was now looking over towards him, a confused look on her face. Could Michaels have been right? Was something going on between her and Liara?

"LT, let's go, you need to calm down." Ashley was still trying to pull him out of the Mess. He was no longer glowing, but she could feel how tense he was, and he looked like he could lose it at any moment. Kaidan nodded at Ashley and let her lead him to the elevator.

Lex had heard Ashley's alarmed voice and looked over to see what had happened. She saw Ashley standing between Kaidan and a Corporal whose name she couldn't quite remember. She was surprised when she saw the anger in Kaidan's face. She'd been tempted to go see what was going on, but it looked like Ashley had everything under control, and she decided it would be best not to involve herself. She preferred it when her crew handled things like this between themselves, or at least tried to before involving her. They needed to know how to work together. Kaidan looked over at her and she saw something she didn't quite understand. She saw the anger, but he looked disappointed, too. (What just happened?)

* * *

"LT, Michaels is an idiot, don't listen to him." Ashley said as she stepped off the elevator behind Kaidan. He was fuming, pacing back and forth in the cargo bay.

He stopped and looked at her. "Did you know?"

"Know what? I'm sure there's nothing going on between the Commander and Liara. It's just talk, rumor. I don't believe any of it."

"So you did know? You'd at least heard about it?" Kaidan had gone back to pacing. How hadn't he noticed? He wasn't an idiot. He knew Lex found women attractive, he remembered the whole Consort incident on the Citadel. And all the time she'd been spending with Liara, he had thought they were just being friendly.

"Look, yes I knew that the Doctor was interested in Shepard, it was obvious. But Shepard isn't interested in her, trust me." Ashley put her hand on his shoulder so that he'd stop and look at her. "Shepard doesn't look at her the way she looks at you. There's nothing going on between them, LT."

"But how do you know that, Ash?" Kaidan sighed. "It's my fault, I should have told her at Arcturus, or when we got back to the Normandy."

"You mean you haven't even told her how you feel yet? What are you waiting for, LT?" Ashley was shocked. She knew they'd been fighting whatever it was that was going on between them, but she thought they'd at least talked about it by now. What the hell was wrong with these two?

"I tried, once. I told her I thought she was special, but when I gave her an out, she took it. And then Flux happened, and well you know." Kaidan saw Ashley nod. "I just made up my mind that it would be a bad idea to try again, but then a friend of mine gave me some advice and I decided that I was going to take a chance again."

"And? What happened?"

Kaidan chuckled and raised his eyebrows at Ashley. "You and Joker showed up at my apartment."

"Ha! We knew it! She was there the whole time, wasn't she?" Ashley was practically giddy. "You guys spent the night together and still haven't resolved this mess?"

"No, no. It's not what you think. I slept on the couch. Nothing happened. But I decided that night that I wasn't going to keep fighting what I felt. Then you two showed up and I didn't see her again until we were back on the Normandy. And well, we just fell back into the routine after that, and then Noveria happened and she started spending all that time with Liara. I thought she was just helping her deal with her mother's death. I was just happy she'd found a friend in Liara, she doesn't really have any. God, I'm a moron."

"LT, trust me. Nothing's happening between them. You need to talk to her. Ask her for yourself, and you'll see. And then just tell her how you feel! I am going to talk to Michaels about him being an ass, and you know, how he shouldn't talk about his CO that way, yadda yadda."

"Tell him he's got latrine duty for the rest of this tour. Little shit is lucky I didn't throw him across the room."

"Yeah, I've never been so happy about your incredible control before." Ashley gave him a nudge before stepping away. "Talk to her, LT."

Kaidan smiled at her. "I will Ash, and thanks."

"Eh, what are friends for?"

* * *

Lex walked up to Ashley at her workstation, clearing her throat to get the young Chief's attention.

"Commander." Ashley said when she turned around.

"Do you have a few minutes to talk? One on one?" Lex asked.

"Sure. I was just watching some mail from home." Ashley replied, and as if on cue Lex heard a young girl's voice coming from behind Ashley.

_"Oh, before I go, we saw Kaidan in a news vid about the Normandy. He's cute! Later sis."_

Ashley blushed, clearly embarrassed by what Lex had just heard. "Heh, uh, let's pretend this never happened."

Lex couldn't do that. She felt the jealously boiling up inside of her, and she couldn't help herself from asking Ashley her next question. "Are you interested in the Lieutenant, Chief?" She was pretty sure that the question had not come out as casually as she'd tried to make it sound.

Ashley looked shocked by the question. Was this woman really that clueless? "No ma'am. And anyway, scuttlebutt says he's already sweet on someone."

"Oh…I thought. You mean you two, aren't…you know? Together?" Lex felt awkward.

"Are you kidding ma'am?" Ashley asked. "May I speak freely?"

"Okay."

"Commander, the LT is like my brother. There is nothing, at all going on between him and me. He's head over heels in love with someone else. Unfortunately, although I am sure this person feels the same way, they are both too stubborn and scared to actually tell each other. And honestly ma'am, I think they're being stupid." Ashley was looking Shepard right in the eye when she finished speaking.

"Wow. When you say you're going to speak freely, you don't play around, do you?"

"Well ma'am, I just think we all have enough to worry about without making things more difficult for ourselves. If two people care about each other, then they should just come out and say it, instead of wasting time. Who knows how much we got left?" Ashley saw Lex about to say something and stopped her. "And please don't bring up excuses like regs and such, I've already heard them from the LT. And that's all they are, excuses. I think everyone on this ship is capable of doing their job regardless of what might be going on in their personal lives. Especially someone like the LT."

Lex didn't know what to say. Her mind was having a hard time processing everything she'd just heard. It was focusing only on one thing. Ashley and Kaidan were just friends. She decided to change the subject, she didn't know if she could deal with this information at the moment. "Chief, I didn't come here to talk about Kaidan, but thank you for clearing things up for me. I really just wanted to check in with you. I know we have both said and done things we didn't agree with or like, and I think we're due a long talk. Are you up for that?"

"Of course, Commander." Ashley replied. They spent the next few hours talking. They talked about Ashley's changing views on aliens. Lex's attack on Kaidan. Ashley's family history, and a few other things. By the time Lex left the cargo bay she had a new found appreciation for the young soldier. She'd grown a lot in the short time they'd been on the Normandy, and Lex could respect that. Hadn't she done some growing herself? Of course, the thing Lex couldn't stop thinking about was that Kaidan wasn't with Ashley.


	29. Chapter 29 - The Choice

*****I know, short time between updates, but it's a long weekend and I really wanted to get Virmire out of the way. Not much left now. We're almost to the end of What are the Chances - Part 1. And I'm eager to get to ME2 and ME3. **

**A quick thanks to Akari Hoshi, AngstyShenko, Jaded, and Zee for their reviews. They are appreciated and very helpful. I hope you all like this chapter. I found it difficult to write. I knew I needed to move the story along to a certain point before Virmire, but I didn't want to move it too much ahead of what Shepard and Kaidan were ready for. Hopefully, I've pulled it off.*****

* * *

Lex was standing in front of her cabin door. The same door she'd been standing in front of for the past five minutes. (Okay, you can do this. Just walk out and go talk to him.) She didn't move.

Kaidan was staring at the terminal in front of him, but not really looking at it. He'd hardly slept thinking about what had happened the day before and what Ashley had said. He knew she was right, he had to talk to Lex. He had to know if she'd started something with Liara, if he still had a chance. He made up his mind then, walking towards Lex's cabin and running straight into her as she rounded the corner.

"Ouch." Lex rubbed her forehead, which had just made an unexpected connection with Kaidan's chin.

"Lex! I'm so sorry, I didn't see you. Are you okay?" He cupped her face and looked at her forehead. There was a reddish mark there, but she'd be okay.

"I'm fine, I have a hard head." She joked.

"I was just heading to see you, actually." He replied. "We haven't had time together since we chatted on Arcturus, and well a lot was said. When we talked."

Lex couldn't help but laugh. "Something to add, Kaidan, or are you just breaking in your thesaurus?"

"Sorry Lex, it's just that, I'm not sure where I stand. You seem a bit, uh, distracted. By someone." He felt like a kid, he couldn't seem to say what he wanted to say.

Lex was confused. (What the hell is he talking about?) "Alright Kaidan, off the record, permission to speak candidly, cross my heart and hope to die. What are you talking about?"

"Uh, Dr. T'Soni." Kaidan couldn't look her in the eye. He was rubbing the back of his neck raw, his nerves were so bad. He dreaded her answer.

"Our young Prothean expert? Liara?" Lex asked.

"I think she's older than both of us put together. But, uh, yeah."

"Well yes, she is. But she doesn't act like it, does she? I have a hard time seeing her as anything but a kid."

"There's a lower deck rumor that she's, uh, interested in you. As more than a source of Prothean data. She's a very interesting lady. Not to my, uh, tastes. But I never claimed to be big on alien culture." (Okay, I've said it.) Now it was up to Lex to either confirm or deny something thing between her and Liara. Kaidan held his breath.

Lex smiled. "Are you jealous? You seem awfully worried about my personal affairs." Lex couldn't believe it. He was actually jealous of Liara? This shouldn't have made her happy, but it did.

Kaidan didn't see the smile on Lex's face, he was having a hard time looking at her. "It's just that, we don't have much downtime these days. And I like being around you. But I – I don't want to take up your personal time."

"Kaidan, look at me." She waited for him to do as she asked. "There is nothing going on between me and Liara. We're friends, that's it. Hell, you're the one that said that I should see her and the others as friends."

"You're right, I'm sorry. It's just Michaels said there was something going on between you two, and you were spending so much time together. And well, I know about you and the Consort. I know you like women…"

"Whoa, whoa there Kaidan. Slow it down a bit. Michaels? Was that the corporal I saw you with yesterday in the Mess, the one you looked so angry at? What did he say, exactly?"

"Nothing you want to hear repeated, Lex. Don't worry. Ash said she'd take care of him and I put him on latrine duty."

"Okay, I think I'll take your word for it. Whatever he said to make you so angry is probably bad enough for me to want to throw him out the airlock. Look Kaidan, about the Consort. Nothing happened."

"What? But Garrus said…and you didn't deny…" Kaidan wasn't sure what he wanted to say.

"Yeah, I was just playing with Garrus. I mean, I've dated both men and women, I really don't think about things like that and she did make an offer. But I had my mind on someone else, and I wasn't interested. Anyways, then you got up and left and…well, honestly, I thought it was for the best that you think something happened between me and the Consort."

"But why?"

"Because Kaidan, I was scared shitless about the fact that I couldn't stop thinking about you." Lex replied. (There I said it.)

Kaidan's mouth fell open. That was months ago, she was already thinking about him then? He felt himself smile, a warm feeling in his chest. "But when I asked you…"

"Kaidan you told me I was someone special and I freaked. When you asked me if you were out of line, basically asked me if I wanted to open a door that could lead to something that could get us both in a lot of trouble, well I was scared. I didn't know what to say. And when I started to reply, you just assumed I was going to turn you down. You didn't even give me a chance before you left the room."

Kaidan didn't know what to say. He'd been so sure she was going to turn him down that night. To think he had actually ruined things himself. (Gods, I'm a moron.)

Lex looked up at him. "And then I saw you with Ashley the next day, and I thought you'd moved on."

"What?" Kaidan almost laughed. "Me and Ash?"

"I know, I know. Ashley already set me straight on that one. In fact she told me that you're interested in someone else." She looked at him hopefully.

Kaidan took a step towards her. He wanted to reach out and touch her, but they were in the middle of the crew deck and someone could walk by. "She's right. Lex, I don't think I've ever met a woman like you. I know what the risks are, but I'm willing to take them. I can't stop thinking about you either. I haven't since that first night I saw you."

"Kaidan, I don't care about the risks either. I've spent my life in a fog since Marks died, and you pulled me out of it. I've been punishing myself for so long, I don't know if I can stop, but you make me want to try. And I know you haven't had the easiest life, but I like the man it's made of you." Lex was looking into his eyes. There was no blushing now, no embarrassment. She was done trying to stop whatever was happening between them.

"Please, Commander. You'll make me blush." Kaidan smiled. "No bull, Lex. I want to follow through on this. It's tough keeping it separated from duty, but when the mission is complete it'll be different. I hope you feel the same."

"That sounds nice. Careful. You'll distract me from saving the galaxy."

"It'll take care of itself one of these days…or nights." His voice had become low and raspy, and it made Lex shiver. "Lex, you are a hard woman to step away from. We'll get this done. The sooner the better."

Crew members were beginning to come in for breakfast and Lex knew they'd have to end the conversation now. It was the last thing she wanted to do, especially with the way he was looking at her now. "We'll talk later, Kaidan." They hadn't said much beyond what they both already knew. She'd known he was attracted to her but not why he wasn't acting on it. She wasn't sure where this talk left them, except with a promise to give whatever this was a chance. For now, that was enough.

"I'd like that."

* * *

_"Commander, I'm reading a signal. Must be our salarian infiltration team."_

They'd been travelling for a week, and had finally reached Virmire. The Council had messaged Lex to let her know that a STG team had contacted them with information on Saren, but that message had been unclear. They feared for the safety of the team, and wanted the Normandy to check on them.

Kaidan was at the co-pilot's chair, monitoring the ground when Lex walked into the cockpit. "Check out those defense towers."

Lex stood in her usual spot, behind them. She thought back to the first time they'd been like this, right before Eden Prime. It seemed like so long ago, and so much had changed since then. "Drop the Mako. We'll go in hot and take them out." She noticed as Kaidan did a dramatic head drop. "Alright smart ass, just for that, I'm not taking you."

"Shepard. I was just kidding, your driving isn't that terrifying. Most of the time." Kaidan tried, but he couldn't keep a straight face.

"Uh huh, you're staying. Joker, let Tali and Garrus know they're up." She turned and left the cockpit.

Kaidan looked back at her. "Shepard!" But she didn't turn around, instead just giving him a wave. He laughed, and smiled as he enjoyed the view of her walking away.

"You're staring, Alenko. Not fair, unless the rest of us get to do it, too." Joker quipped.

"Try it and I'll make sure she takes you on a ride in the Mako." Kaidan replied.

"No thanks, I like my bones in non-powdered form, thank you."

* * *

Ashley went to stand near Shepard as she radioed in to the other squads. "Bomb is in position, we're all set he…"

_"Commander, do you read me?"_

"The nuke is almost ready, Lieutenant. Get to the rendezvous point!" Lex had spent most of this mission worrying about Kaidan, and she was eager to get them all back on the Normandy.

_"Negative, Commander. The geth have us pinned down on the AA tower. We've taken heavy casualties."_ Kaidan tried to keep his voice steady. He knew she would be worried about him, and that she wouldn't accept leaving him behind. _"We'll never make the rendezvous point in time."_

"Get them out of there, Joker. Now!" Lex's chest was tight, and her stomach felt like it was in her throat. She had to get Kaidan out of there.

(Damn it.) _"Negative. It's too hot! You can't risk it. We'll hold them off as long as we…"_ Kaidan's comm link was cut off.

"Fuck! Lieutenant? Kaidan?" Lex took a deep breath, she couldn't lose it now. They needed to finish what they'd started here. Her mind was racing. (I can't lose him, too. It's not fair.)

"It's okay, Commander. I need a couple of minutes to finish arming the nuke. Go get them and meet me back here." Ashley could tell that Shepard was putting herself through hell, thinking she had to choose between duty and the LT.

Lex gave Ashley a grateful look. "Thanks, Ash. We'll be back before you know it." She turned to Tali and Garrus. "Up to the AA tower. Move!"

They raced through the doors leading up to the tower. The few geth and krogan they encountered didn't stand much of a chance against their skill and Lex's sheer determination to make it to Kaidan on time. They rode the elevator up to the next level and raced over to the walkway that would take them to the next section of the building.

Garrus stopped when they reached the walkway. He looked up and spotted a geth ship approaching. "Reinforcements. We'd better hurry."

_"Chief. We just spotted a troop ship inbound to your location."_ Kaidan radioed to Ashley.

_"It's already here, and it's bleeding geth all over the bomb site."_ Ashley replied.

"Can you hold them off?" Lex asked.

_"Negative. It's too late for us. There's just too many of them." _Ashley knew what she had to do, and knew she couldn't give Shepard time to argue with her. _"I'm activating the nuke."_

"Damn it! What the hell are you doing, Williams?" Lex couldn't believe what she was hearing. Ashley was narrowing down her choices to two. She couldn't possibly save both of them if Ashley activated the nuke, there just wouldn't be any time.

_"Making sure this bomb goes off. No matter what." _Ashley could hear the anger in Shepard's voice, but she knew this was the only way she'd get her to make the right decision. _"It's done, Commander. Go get the lieutenant and get the hell out of here."_

Kaidan couldn't believe what was happening. There was no way he was going to let Ashley die to save him. _"Belay that. We can handle ourselves. Go back and get Williams."_

Lex wanted to scream. This wasn't right. They both deserved to live, how could she choose which one would? She didn't think she could live if she let Kaidan die, if she lost him. But could she live with the guilt of letting Ashley die because of that? Lex tightened her grip on the railing she was leaning on. She had to make a decision now, or it would be too late for both of them. "Alenko, radio Joker and tell him to meet us on the AA tower."

_"Yes, Commander. I…"_ Kaidan started to reply, before Ashley cut him off.

_"You know it's the right choice, LT."_

_"You stay alive, I'll be coming to get you too, Ash!" _Lex wasn't going to give up that easily, if there was a chance to save both of them, she'd die trying if she had to.

_"I think we both know that's not going to happen, Commander."_

_"I'm sorry, Ash. I had to make a choice." _Lex chest felt like it was about to burst, her heart was pounding.

_"I understand, Commander. I don't regret a thing."_


	30. Chapter 30 - Why Me?

The comm room was silent. Everyone was too wrapped up in their own thoughts. Everyone was thinking of Ashley. Kaidan was the first to finally speak. "I…I can't believe Ash didn't make it. How could we just leave her down there?"

"There was no time. I couldn't save you both. The bomb was about to go off." Lex replied. She hated seeing the hurt in his eyes. She'd grown to respect and even like Ashley, but Kaidan had cared about her. They had been friends, and she knew he was having a hard time with her death. "Ashley knew the risks going in. She gave her life to save the rest of us."

"But why me? Why not her?" Kaidan asked. He'd been asking himself the same question since Lex had made the choice. He dreaded the answer.

"It wasn't your call, Kaidan. I had to choose. I chose you." Lex knew this wouldn't be enough to satisfy him, but she didn't want to have this discussion with him in the comm room, in front of the others.

"But if I'd done my job, you wouldn't have had to make that call."

"Ash's blood is on Saren's hands. And when we find that son-of-a-bitch, I'll make him pay. I promise."

What she said surprised him, and did a bit to bring him out of his mourning. He didn't like what he heard, and suddenly he was worried. "Yes, ma'am. I'm…we'll get it done." He didn't hear much of what went on after that, until Liara joined with Lex again. They now knew where they needed to go, but Kaidan couldn't focus on that now. All he could think about was Ashley's death, and how Lex would handle it.

* * *

Kaidan was surprised when he heard someone at his door. He'd been laying in his bed for a few hours now. He'd gone straight to his cabin after the debriefing, unable to face anyone. Worried that they'd all be blaming him for Ash's death. He knew he was being ridiculous, but that didn't stop him from feeling guilty. And knowing this, he was also worried about Lex. She had been the one that made the decision, and he wasn't sure if she could be logical about this. "Come in."

Lex walked into Kaidan's cabin. She smiled as she looked around the spotless room. (Of course.) "Kaidan, I wanted to see how you're dealing with Ash's death. I know how close you two were."

"Dealing, I guess. I've served for years, but never lost a soldier under my command. Not to hostile action, anyway. Until this tour." Kaidan was still in bed. He knew he should have gotten up when she walked in, but he couldn't bring himself to move. "Lex, I know I asked you this already, but now that we're alone…Why me?"

Lex felt a lump in her throat, and struggled to swallow it down. "Kaidan that was the most difficult decision of my life. Ashley didn't leave me much of a choice, she knew that by arming the bomb I'd only have time to save one of you. I almost felt like I wouldn't be able to choose. In the end, it came down to your rank and your skills. But…" She took a deep breath. She didn't want to say what she was going to say next, she knew what it would do to him, but she had to be honest. "I'm sorry, Kaidan. I'd never leave you behind. I couldn't. You know that."

Kaidan sat up and looked at Lex. The guilt she felt was clear, and so was the sadness. "I know. And I'm grateful. But Ash died because of me. Because of us."

Lex felt as if her heart was breaking watching as Kaidan was overwhelmed with guilt. She walked up to him and took his face in her hands. "Kaidan, please, don't do this. Blame Saren, blame me, but please don't blame yourself."

"Lex, no, I don't blame you. You're right, this is Saren's fault. I don't doubt that our feelings for each other influenced your choice, but I do know that you never would have put us ahead of what was right. I'm not saying I don't feel guilty, I do. But that's not your fault, it's just how it is. I lived and she didn't, and that hurts, and it's hard. But it's not our fault. I know that." He reached for her, putting his arms around her waist and pulling her in close to him. She wrapped her arms around his neck and placed her head on his shoulder. They stood there for a while. No one speaking, just holding each other. "Lex."

"Hmmm?"

"I need you to promise me something."

"Anything, Kaidan."

Kaidan pulled back, without letting her go. Just far enough so that he could look into her eyes. "Promise me you won't make this about vengeance. About making Saren pay for Ash's death."

"Kaidan. He's done so much harm. Eden Prime, Jenkins, Nihlus, Benezia. Not just Ashley. He needs to pay for all of it." Lex could feel the anger rising in her as she thought of each life Saren had ended, in one way or another. Of all the damage he'd done. "I won't let him get away with it."

"I don't expect you to. I don't want you to. But that doesn't mean I'm going to let you become obsessed with making him pay. I heard the anger in your voice in the comm room and just now. I don't want this to become another Torfan for you. When we finally have Saren in front of us, I need you to remember what Torfan did to you. I need you to remember what vengeance did to you. I can't lose you to it. I can't watch you destroy yourself for it. We will bring Saren down, but we'll do it the right way, for the right reasons. Even if that means he doesn't die."

"Kaidan, I don't know if I can make that promise. I'm sorry." She pulled back, but he tightened his arms around her waist, pulling her back against him.

"Then promise me you'll take me with you. That I'll be with you when it comes time to face Saren."

Lex smiled as she wrapped her arms around him, and put her head back on his shoulder. "Kaidan, I don't plan on letting you out of my sight again. From now on, where I go, you go."

* * *

****Okay folks, almost there. Not much left now. If you noticed, I moved Kaidan's "Because of us" line out of the comm room. I never thought that would be something he would say with everyone around them. When I first saw that scene I was surprised when they showed that there were other people in the comm room. It just always felt like it should have been a private conversation. So I made it one. ****


End file.
